Autistic imposter syndrome

I received my report today, I’ve only been able to read parts of it. From the ados 2 score there is little doubt I’m autistic. I still feel like I don’t belong here, throughout  the day something happens and I realise that I am autistic. I’ve spent over 50 years trying my hardest to act normal, I often still don’t recognise autistic behaviour. I think I expected to feel different after diagnosis, I know it’s the wrong thing to say but I don’t feel autistic, can you feel autistic? To be honest I just don’t feel any emotion at the moment. 
Obviously you don’t need to have every trait to be autistic, my wife is doing an autism awareness course at the moment, I tried to explain how the spectrum works, I had one of those metal  pallets of watercolours as a child, I could be four colours making up my autistic identity, someone else could be two of my colours and three different colours, or four totally different colours. The different combinations is huge, a bit like a combination padlock, there are many combinations.

I don't feel autistic either. I just feel like me.

In my report I managed to tick almost every box, only stimming is a bit weak, and I thought they would say I was normal. I even passed on ADOS-2 and the frog book where I thought I did too well.

I camouflage and avoid.

I have issues with pain which I have been telling doctors for years, but now I can show them something and they might believe me.

I also have issues with emotions which they think I should have therapy for. Not helped by probable childhood emotional neglect. Plus other issues.

In a discussion at lunch today someone mentioned cooking over coals. I asked a few times if they meant coal (that you dig up) or charcoal (part burnt wood). It seemed important, but 4 other people didn't get why I was asking.

I don't feel autistic either. I just feel like me.

In my report I managed to tick almost every box, only stimming is a bit weak, and I thought they would say I was normal. I even passed on ADOS-2 and the frog book where I thought I did too well.

I camouflage and avoid.

I have issues with pain which I have been telling doctors for years, but now I can show them something and they might believe me.

I also have issues with emotions which they think I should have therapy for. Not helped by probable childhood emotional neglect. Plus other issues.

In a discussion at lunch today someone mentioned cooking over coals. I asked a few times if they meant coal (that you dig up) or charcoal (part burnt wood). It seemed important, but 4 other people didn't get why I was asking.

I don’t know, who says “I feel autistic”… I’m just me and I’m feeling like me. No one else. Now I accidentally came across an article about schizoid personality disorder. I was amazed to recognize some of these traits quite strong in me. But not all. I do feel deep joy, when busy with my aliens. 
i had an appointment with one psychiatrist recently for a support group, where I could meet people to have some activities together. She insisted that I join a support group for depression and wanted to prescribe me meds for depression. My therapist told me, he does not see any need to medicate me and he didn’t even mention any depression right now, but social anxiety and panic disorder which is much more accurate. And suspected autism. I explained her my struggles in social life, showed her pictures of my dolls and told my story as short and informative as I could. But she didn’t try to go deeper. Just depression and bang! Meds again. I don’t want, I’m tired of meds and side effects. 

I think I’ve experienced something similar but I think it came across as rude. A colleague of mine would call her boyfriend “Cole” when he’s actually called “C/Karl”. I corrected the way she said it but I am not sure it was an appropriate thing to do.

It was some sort of BBQ style in a restaurant. So I thought they meant embers, since you don't cook on black charcoal, you let it burn a bit to go grey. In some places, like Korea, you have have indoor BBQs at your table which use a sort of compressed briquette thing.

It is also possible to cook using actual coal, but it is a bid weird and makes things taste a bit like creosote, unless it has burnt right down.

And of course you can cook using lava rock heated by gas.

All these hot things could be called "coals", as it seems a generic term for the hot stuff under the BBQ.

Anyway they just though it was obvious it was charcoal and who cares, it was a pedantic question. I just thought it was important to understand why this particular BBQ was any different to any other BBQ.

Cooking over a coals? Did they mean metaphorically? It reminds me of the phrase “walking on egg shells”.