Autistic imposter syndrome

I’ve posted about this before I’m sure but I am still fighting the feeling of being a fraud daily. I hope one day I just accept it and move on but at the moment I’m trying to get as much information on imposter syndrome as possible. I found a YouTuber who did a video on the subject and one of the lines in the script were as follows; 

“I think that you have ignored your needs and limitations for so long that to listen to them now you need to amplify them which feels like exaggeration and now you are acknowledging the things that overstimulate you in the day it’s not building up in your system where you take it out on the people you care about” - GenericArtDad

After a diagnosis I suppose it’s only natural to look more inward than you did before, especially if you are not sure you can fully accept it or move on swiftly after or have any doubts. The spectrum is almost like looking up at the stars and trying to find one no one’s ever seen before then claiming it for your own. To find your own place on the spectrum can be tricky, well for me it is because as I may have mentioned in previous posts I do not have every single typical autistic behaviour.

Parents
  • I received my report today, I’ve only been able to read parts of it. From the ados 2 score there is little doubt I’m autistic. I still feel like I don’t belong here, throughout  the day something happens and I realise that I am autistic. I’ve spent over 50 years trying my hardest to act normal, I often still don’t recognise autistic behaviour. I think I expected to feel different after diagnosis, I know it’s the wrong thing to say but I don’t feel autistic, can you feel autistic? To be honest I just don’t feel any emotion at the moment. 
    Obviously you don’t need to have every trait to be autistic, my wife is doing an autism awareness course at the moment, I tried to explain how the spectrum works, I had one of those metal  pallets of watercolours as a child, I could be four colours making up my autistic identity, someone else could be two of my colours and three different colours, or four totally different colours. The different combinations is huge, a bit like a combination padlock, there are many combinations.

  • I don't feel autistic either. I just feel like me.

    In my report I managed to tick almost every box, only stimming is a bit weak, and I thought they would say I was normal. I even passed on ADOS-2 and the frog book where I thought I did too well.

    I camouflage and avoid.

    I have issues with pain which I have been telling doctors for years, but now I can show them something and they might believe me.

    I also have issues with emotions which they think I should have therapy for. Not helped by probable childhood emotional neglect. Plus other issues.

    In a discussion at lunch today someone mentioned cooking over coals. I asked a few times if they meant coal (that you dig up) or charcoal (part burnt wood). It seemed important, but 4 other people didn't get why I was asking.

  • Cooking over a coals? Did they mean metaphorically? It reminds me of the phrase “walking on egg shells”.

  • I think I’ve experienced something similar but I think it came across as rude. A colleague of mine would call her boyfriend “Cole” when he’s actually called “C/Karl”. I corrected the way she said it but I am not sure it was an appropriate thing to do.

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