Imposter syndrome and Surprised responses

I had 50 years of being undiagnosed, in that time I fought, struggled, loved, did crazy things, did wonderful things and everything that encompasses life, a diagnosis can't take those things away and nor would I want them too, but what a diagnosis did, was explain why I seemed to struggle with things others didn't, why I felt things seemingly more strongly than others. I'm the same crazy, loving, compassionate, funny nuisance that I always was, now I feel more able to stand in my own light, to see myself through an autistic lens, and help others to see me that way too and not allow myself to bullied into appearing "norma"

I dont' match many of the symptoms either, but so what? Someone with much more training than me diagnosed me, confirmed what I suspected. Most people will look at a list and either think they do or don't match the things on the list, many people like to look at a list and tell you, you don't match up to that list. Often those people have a hidden agenda, sometimes hidden from themselves too, it's about keeping you in a particular place, so as they can feel better about themselves. Co-dependent behaviours don't just happen in romatic relationships they happen in most, in different ways, it seems to be mostly about placing people in the pecking order. I refuse to be pecked and places in an order!

I know I wrote those things. I don't trust people. I am not sure why, it means I only trust my own judgement. I thought I might have some issue accepting the result, but I had hoped I wouldn't. 

I don't often follow my own advice either. I seem to see things clearly when they apply to others but get confused when I see the same thing in myself. I try to analyse everything but I can't see myself from the outside.

I put up the post as I thought it be interesting or help others who have been diagnosed in the last week or two.

Stuart333 said:

I now have this. 

I keep thinking the whole process was a bit self indulgent and somehow there is a mistake.

I remember some of your previous replies to others, such as:

Stuart333 said:

I didn't pick the cheapest and checked accreditations and whether they followed NICE guidelines. I'm also in the south and prices seem less elsewhere. But I view it as a.one-time deal and I want it to be conclusive and unchallengeable.

Stuart333 said:

If you've been diagnosed someone has independently concluded you have it. So you can't be an imposter.

Ultimately, it doesn't seem to matter how much one might spend on an assessment (if having it carried out privately), how thorough it is, what the assessor's credentials are, how certain they tell us they are about our diagnosis, etc. Despite all such things, many of us will still experience imposter syndrome.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying any of this in order to be in any way critical of you, how you feel, or what you've said to others previously.

Rather, your own experience is perhaps a good example of how, regardless of how hard we might try, in advance, to avoid it, and regardless of how confident we might expect to feel in our diagnosis afterwards (if confirmed), these feelings can still be very common.

Some of the potential reasons why are discussed here:

Embace Autism - Introducing autistic impostor syndrome

Feeling the same on and off here, kinda get used to the way you are or the way you cope with things and didn’t ever consider it to have a label or a recognised and diagnosable aspect to it. You may have noticed issues through-out your life, feeling different from others, never really being able to connect like you feel others do with each other. I was only diagnosed myself just over a month ago and have thought for days sometimes that perhaps I’m wrong, perhaps the psychiatrist was wrong with their assessment. I wouldn’t want to carry something I didn’t have, I wouldn’t want to go around telling others who I wasn’t that close to as I don’t think I could do it with any conviction. I’d feel like a liar and how could I judge if others take it seriously or not? My biggest persistent concern is that I don’t match every single stereotype or symptom you might expect. 

I love this too. It’s raw going through the assessment process. Having to then justify and explain to others is similar to coming out as gay. There has been progress but maybe one day people will just be accepted.

I struggle with this less now than I did for a time. The problem is that on a day when one is able to rest, at home, re-charge, recuperate in shutdown or special interest mode or whatever, the sneaky little thought of 'Well, I'm feeling OK enough just now, shouldn't there be unrelenting challenge here before I dare to believe my diagnosis?' can make a stealth attack on you... though any resulting  hyperfixation, for hours, on THAT and the inner 'case for the defence' is itself the autistic brain doing its thing! 

The trick is to fully acknowlege, when the neurotypical-skewed environment (likely layered over sensory overwhelm etc.depending on your 'spoons' level)  is next at its most disabling, and you're feeling anxious and overwhelmed in a way that most people are not dealing with in the same conditions, that you're experiencing direct and unrelenting confirmation of your threshold,... and that the resumed certainty about your diagnosis in that unfolding moment should be added, like a pebble to an already overflowing jar (next to comparatively empty 'apparent [but false!] evidence of justified Imposter Syndrome' jar) with a big label on it saying 'DEFINITELY AUTISIC'. I don't actually picture that specific image, it just came into my head now as a needlessy over-complicated metaphor lol. But you get the idea!

I told, soon after confirmation,  a chosen number of people in my life about finding out I'm autistic.One or two did the surprised thing, more went 'OK, that must be so helpful to know and understand yourself and your challenges better' (words to that effect), and a small number said words to the effect of 'I could have told you that for nothing!' - gently teasing but also very, very unsurprised. I'm especially grateful to those second two groups, and I think the surprised ones might in some cases been doing a societally-programmed bit of politeness, not all of them were refusing to see the real me as such. 

The person who I remain most profoundly grateful to is a friend and former colleague. And a very wise, perceptive, and good person. For several years now, we only have occasional short pen-friend type messages, weeks apart, via Teams or email. In late 2021, she reached out to me, out of the blue, to say (bravely, and kindly, and in a way that changed my life for the better in ways I can never repay her for) 'Have you ever thought about going for an autism assessment?' ( I had, from time to time, but never dared assume the right to so... sounds silly to say that now). I think I'd up to that moment had a kind of 'imposter syndrome in advance' thing, but it felt like in that moment she'd quite unexpectedly handed me a permission slip to go and confess all my challenges, differences etc. without fear of being laughed at. I'd never mentioned autism suspicions about myself to her, she was just very perceptive over time despite my reflexive masking, and she gave me an incredible gift in that moment (even risking causing possible offence had I not reacted with immense relief and gratitude)... and that, above all else, is my ultimate touchstone for ever-more-successfully telling Imposter Syndrome to feck off when it less and less frequently darkens my door. 

I now have this. 

I keep thinking the whole process was a bit self indulgent and somehow there is a mistake. It's all lack of sleep, or a hormonal imbalance or I subconsciously cheated on the tests 

Even though I can see some of the issues in myself I think I can't be bad enough. Even though my psychologist and he two that did the assesment think so. They're also going to recommend I need some additional help. Yet I am feeling a bit better.

Thank you Max! These are all the words I needed to hear. I’ll probably keep reading this. You’re so right, I don’t owe anyone any explanation and if they don’t get it or can’t see it, that’s their problem and not mine to worry about. 
Thank you so much x

From what I’ve read, the levels of autism were originally used in the USA  by health care providers / insurance companies to workout the cost of any support . A diagnosis of autism is given now, levels aren’t generally used anymore.

It refers to the level of support a person needs to cope in a neurotypical world. Level 1 is the lowest level of support (friends and family who understand you, a boss who is prepared to make reasonable adjustments, that sort of thing). Level 3 is the highest.

I don't get all the levels people talk about, is this something thats not used so much in the UK or was I diagnosed at a time before these were invented?

Hello Merida!

Yes, this is a very, very common response, especially for us high masking adults. Unfortunately, the template is young white boys with high support needs, and folks are only just recently beginning to understand what autism may look like for Level 1 adults.  Most folks you'll find don't even really know what autism looks like, and once you explain it, will look for ways that they are right and you are wrong. This made me, as well as some of my friends with similar experiences, feel the need to 'act more autistic' in ways we never have before. But please remember—YOU ARE AUTISTIC. That's FINE, and you owe them NO explanation as to how you might fit into that label in their mind. Just because they don't understand, doesn't mean that you don't deserve to exist in the exact space you've carved out for yourself. 

I think of it a bit like any other part of my identity—if someone told me, "you don't look like a runner" or "you don't look like a musician," it doesn't really mean that much, because they don't really know me. People will perceive you as they want to, not as you are. What matters is you understand why this is important to you.

One of the first reactions I got from a non-family member was, "Oh, well, don't be surprised if one day you find out you're not." On the flip side, one of my close autistic friends said, "no duh, Sherlock, we already knew that."

So, experience may vary, but we're all here for you. If you get really sick of it, you can incorporate any weird behavior you want, and then blame it on the autism. "Sorry, I can't eat badly cooked food. Sorry, I don't make time for people who text and drive. I have AUTISM."

love,

Max

Ok, thank you. Now it’s clear 

It means that someone expects you to behave like the autistic savant character in Rain Man.

Yes I know but the meaning of this meme is still unclear to me

Thank you. Yes, I think you're right about the rabbit in the headlights thing and I have to remember that this has come out of the blue as far as they are concerned. I wouldn't know where to begin with unmasking as it seems embedded into everything. It would be like pulling a thread of wool on a jumper and unravelling the whole thing. 

Hi, unfortunately you will get occasional comments like you have had. I  think that sometimes people just come back with ‘rabbit in the headlights’ comments. They thought they knew you and the information stuns them. 

It’s not unusual to feel you are an imposter, you’re not, it took me a long time to work out what is the real me, the masking becomes so normal and we get very good at it. I had the ‘we are all a little bit autistic,” my answer was, “no we all have human traits, that doesn’t make everyone autistic.”  Remember sharing you are autistic doesn’t give anyone the right to decide on the severity of your condition. You will lose a few people along the way, these are the ones that you don’t need.

Dustin Hoffman played an autistic savant in the film "Rain Man"

See Hoffmann as Raymond in Rain Man.

TheCatWoman said:

the other difficult one is 'we're all on the spectrum somewhere', which is often well meant but hard not to take as dismissive.

very true.