Imposter syndrome and Surprised responses

I struggle with this less now than I did for a time. The problem is that on a day when one is able to rest, at home, re-charge, recuperate in shutdown or special interest mode or whatever, the sneaky little thought of 'Well, I'm feeling OK enough just now, shouldn't there be unrelenting challenge here before I dare to believe my diagnosis?' can make a stealth attack on you... though any resulting  hyperfixation, for hours, on THAT and the inner 'case for the defence' is itself the autistic brain doing its thing! 

The trick is to fully acknowlege, when the neurotypical-skewed environment (likely layered over sensory overwhelm etc.depending on your 'spoons' level)  is next at its most disabling, and you're feeling anxious and overwhelmed in a way that most people are not dealing with in the same conditions, that you're experiencing direct and unrelenting confirmation of your threshold,... and that the resumed certainty about your diagnosis in that unfolding moment should be added, like a pebble to an already overflowing jar (next to comparatively empty 'apparent [but false!] evidence of justified Imposter Syndrome' jar) with a big label on it saying 'DEFINITELY AUTISIC'. I don't actually picture that specific image, it just came into my head now as a needlessy over-complicated metaphor lol. But you get the idea!

I told, soon after confirmation,  a chosen number of people in my life about finding out I'm autistic.One or two did the surprised thing, more went 'OK, that must be so helpful to know and understand yourself and your challenges better' (words to that effect), and a small number said words to the effect of 'I could have told you that for nothing!' - gently teasing but also very, very unsurprised. I'm especially grateful to those second two groups, and I think the surprised ones might in some cases been doing a societally-programmed bit of politeness, not all of them were refusing to see the real me as such. 

The person who I remain most profoundly grateful to is a friend and former colleague. And a very wise, perceptive, and good person. For several years now, we only have occasional short pen-friend type messages, weeks apart, via Teams or email. In late 2021, she reached out to me, out of the blue, to say (bravely, and kindly, and in a way that changed my life for the better in ways I can never repay her for) 'Have you ever thought about going for an autism assessment?' ( I had, from time to time, but never dared assume the right to so... sounds silly to say that now). I think I'd up to that moment had a kind of 'imposter syndrome in advance' thing, but it felt like in that moment she'd quite unexpectedly handed me a permission slip to go and confess all my challenges, differences etc. without fear of being laughed at. I'd never mentioned autism suspicions about myself to her, she was just very perceptive over time despite my reflexive masking, and she gave me an incredible gift in that moment (even risking causing possible offence had I not reacted with immense relief and gratitude)... and that, above all else, is my ultimate touchstone for ever-more-successfully telling Imposter Syndrome to feck off when it less and less frequently darkens my door. 

I struggle with this less now than I did for a time. The problem is that on a day when one is able to rest, at home, re-charge, recuperate in shutdown or special interest mode or whatever, the sneaky little thought of 'Well, I'm feeling OK enough just now, shouldn't there be unrelenting challenge here before I dare to believe my diagnosis?' can make a stealth attack on you... though any resulting  hyperfixation, for hours, on THAT and the inner 'case for the defence' is itself the autistic brain doing its thing! 

The trick is to fully acknowlege, when the neurotypical-skewed environment (likely layered over sensory overwhelm etc.depending on your 'spoons' level)  is next at its most disabling, and you're feeling anxious and overwhelmed in a way that most people are not dealing with in the same conditions, that you're experiencing direct and unrelenting confirmation of your threshold,... and that the resumed certainty about your diagnosis in that unfolding moment should be added, like a pebble to an already overflowing jar (next to comparatively empty 'apparent [but false!] evidence of justified Imposter Syndrome' jar) with a big label on it saying 'DEFINITELY AUTISIC'. I don't actually picture that specific image, it just came into my head now as a needlessy over-complicated metaphor lol. But you get the idea!

I told, soon after confirmation,  a chosen number of people in my life about finding out I'm autistic.One or two did the surprised thing, more went 'OK, that must be so helpful to know and understand yourself and your challenges better' (words to that effect), and a small number said words to the effect of 'I could have told you that for nothing!' - gently teasing but also very, very unsurprised. I'm especially grateful to those second two groups, and I think the surprised ones might in some cases been doing a societally-programmed bit of politeness, not all of them were refusing to see the real me as such. 

The person who I remain most profoundly grateful to is a friend and former colleague. And a very wise, perceptive, and good person. For several years now, we only have occasional short pen-friend type messages, weeks apart, via Teams or email. In late 2021, she reached out to me, out of the blue, to say (bravely, and kindly, and in a way that changed my life for the better in ways I can never repay her for) 'Have you ever thought about going for an autism assessment?' ( I had, from time to time, but never dared assume the right to so... sounds silly to say that now). I think I'd up to that moment had a kind of 'imposter syndrome in advance' thing, but it felt like in that moment she'd quite unexpectedly handed me a permission slip to go and confess all my challenges, differences etc. without fear of being laughed at. I'd never mentioned autism suspicions about myself to her, she was just very perceptive over time despite my reflexive masking, and she gave me an incredible gift in that moment (even risking causing possible offence had I not reacted with immense relief and gratitude)... and that, above all else, is my ultimate touchstone for ever-more-successfully telling Imposter Syndrome to feck off when it less and less frequently darkens my door.