Conflicted over disclosure and acceptance

the diagnosis really does help.

1.  most importantly to validate all ive gone through and to learn to accept and respect who i am.

2. to show to others in my life so the good ones stay but with more knowledge on better understanding who i am.

3. to soften officials. its like magic. i just say "please bare with me, im neurodivergent" and officials become less stern, cold and fast, and become more patient, attentive and supportive.

4. obviously financial support can really help the struggle. im not gaining financial benefits for my mental health but its a very important benefit for neurodivergents in general.

me and my husband struggle with will power, energy, insomnia, motivation, focus, meltdowns, suicidal thoughts, etc so have very similar experiences to what it sounds like you are describing.

my husband is on legal medical herb which has really changed the game for him. at some point im going to apply myself for medical herb too.

im not suggesting to anyone to take anything without talking with their GPs and doing some research. but this is our story.

i love the film willow! is willow offgood the main guys full name? i cant remember, its been a while!

omg flockamock is an AWESOME word!!!

speaking of made up words i think ive been saying Quince when i dont kno if its a real word or if it means anything! but to describe when someone makes me scrunch my face up in ickiness! "they made me quince!" hehe!

lol! just looked up what quince is!!! its a similar fruit to of pear or sumin!

Most of mine are phrases from tv or films. Quite random ones like Willow Offgood from the film Willow. I like to imitate the voice, there’s like an old chap who chooses hopefuls to become like a wizard. Who chooses Willow. Apart from that it’s made up words really, like a flockamock for a very large group of people….

love it! thats a really cute one!   

Mine's "Puppy Power" ... Scooby Doo (well, scrappy, but hey)   

this makes me sad too.  wish we could help others unmask or get back to their natural way of stimming as expression. all we can do is live by example, which is no small thing! 

i like that metaphor! and i was also told to sit still my whole childhood! and told to "be quiet", "stop showing off", "dont be silly", "dont be so sensitive" etc.

i wish i could tell my dad, "be silly". "show off/be true/be you". "be as quiet or as loud as you want and need". "be more sensitive".

hehe.  alone is an illusion!

nice! whats your favourite stim if you are comfortable to share. 

my fave is "shippeez"/"shippies"! not sure how to spell. what me and my husband call chips! "you want some shippeez?"

silly accents! awesome!   

aw! he knows you so well!  

such a blessing to have our fellas who understand us ey!  

i just remembered, my fave stim in school was singing the WHOLE song in little mermaid about her gadgets and gizmos! hehe! id sing really loud and make my friends either cringe or laugh!

good luck to you too max.  sounds like you are doing a great job of it already. you got this!

thanks max! 

omg the lonliness! from my experience i was a gazillion times  more lonely when i was surrounded by people who all didnt get me, than when i chose to honour who i am and stand proudly alone as a "loner" in school. i remember when i was told by one friend that everyone in the group knew this girl had sold this guys mums ring to get a tattoo on her wrist! everyone was too scared of confronting her because she was treated as the "leader" of the group. i knew once i say something i will lose all my friends. but i confronted her and shortly after everyone left me, and some including the one who stole the ring, and the guy who was robbed, stalked and bullied me. whats better? to shut my mouth so i am not a "loner" or bullied, or to speak up about what matters to me, and in turn eventually rid myself of toxic people?

on a better note, i love when another autistic person says they have a quirk that i have. that really combats the feeling of lonliness! like "i collect pokemon cards" and your eyes light up with recognition, "really? me too!!!"

Yeah I hate interviews, make me more anxious than anything else does.

I don't think I'd disclose during the process, I feel like I'd be negatively judged as a result, but that's just the way I think, I'm sure it'd be fine.

My employer has been positive about it. I don't need significant adjustments, but it's comforting that's there's a law to support my request if I do ask.

Essentially, I don't really think many employers know what to do, hence many often get it wrong 

Good to hear your disclosure with Family & Friends went well , albeit they perhaps make no adjustments for you.

Hope your new new boss (if you have one yet) is approachable and makes any accommodations you want

Same my company does at face value have multiple groups including ND, although I've not participated in that yet.  Something I will look into soon.

I'm happy with the firm I'm at, but wonder what difference disclosure would make if I had to leave and interview elsewhere.  TBH I don't interview great but believe my skills and experience get me through.  Would I be upfront during the recruitment process ? not sure, but something to consider, and possibly depending on the nature of the hiring company too

I've yet to o talk to anyone at work who's been diagnosed. I told my boss but he's since left and to be honest I don't know if he ever told the head of our department, or my new boss (who's also left) or both..

There's lots of communities and so on in the company, a big drive for DEI etc. it all has the appearance of safe, But I don't feel comfortable yet, it's my own hangups , I still feel like I risk them lighting torches and sharpening pitch forks if I "came out"

I've told family and friends. To be honest everyone was great about it.

I think the thing people perhaps don't understand is adjusting, they seem to think that's all mine to do. I honestly think some people assume that knowing it's "the autism" that means certain things have negative effects on me means I can just go " oh it's the tism, I'll ignore those feelings, hey look I'm fine now!" Rather than them thinking about adjusting their behaviour to help me.

I've limited disclosure both to my family and at work (mgr + HR know) , and only one old friend that didn't go to plan tbh.

Not sure whether the problem is just bad awareness of autism - that NTs think its only certain presentations and not the spectrum, and think media doesn't help either.

I think if I opened up at the present I'd perhaps make a mess and be thrown by anything they say rather than them hear me out, so for the moment I'm keeping my mask on and my Autism private.  I would like to in time, open up, I may reach out to someone at my company (another office) who was not long diagnosed but is public to hear their experience.

I smiled when I read your post along with NoodleFrogDuck's about vocal stimming, this is probably my biggest stim. Making up words, silly accents, made up songs, film lines good to know I'm not alone in my madness!

Nice to see you back. I’m also in a lurking mode for some while. I don’t have diagnosis but suspected to be autistic. I relate a lot to the “inappropriate reactions” and not fitting in, moods sometimes too, but I would say my mood is constant and neutral, but I have periods when I feel exhausted without any reason and sleep does not help. I told my mom that my therapist suspects autism and I remember that teachers at school told my mom the same. She was just angry to hear that and she said I’m nothing even close to autism because autistic people are those who do only one thing whole day (slam doors, bang their heads etc) and those who can’t stand certain noises and those who are geniuses at math. While doing the same thing whenever I can applies to me, not standing certain noises too, I’m not a genius at math. So I can’t be autistic in her opinion. It’s very superficial “knowledge “ about autism that my mom possesses and she thinks of herself as an expert in this field and not only. I decided I’m done sharing with anyone. I would like to have the dx only to be able to join a support group. Otherwise I’m kinda tired of being alive (not suicidal though) and I have no energy to go for appointments, speak to strangers about my life and fill out forms etc. 

Pardon I shared with my manager at work because he himself suspected I have some issues and asked, but he is fine with it, and with me wearing earplugs and he is happy with my work too and with the fact that I don’t gossip. 

I agree. It sounds super cliche, but unmasking is an often lonely journey that looks different from person to person. Sometimes it takes more effort than others, but it’s up to you to decide which pros outweigh the cons. I’m personally still in this phase, and damn if it isn’t a rough time, but the hope is to come out the other side happier and more at peace. Best of luck to you, and keep us updated.

My brother was a hand flapper and hand squeezer but told repeatedly not to do it at home.   He still does it minimally and its so sad because I see him realise he's doing it and stopping himself . Such a shame to not be able to express joy in full without some ahole having an opinion!