Conflicted over disclosure and acceptance

I'm two years post diagnosis and feel very similar.  There were some things I was able to get support with, (with alot of arguing the Equality Act I might add) and diagnosis provided me with some helpful insight but mostly I've been left confused as to how to present myself in the world.

I feel I should be able to allow myself to speak and move how I want but still feel under pressure to keep my external stims under control to avoid ridicule by nasty people.  I would love to be honest about my autism to anyone, but I grew up in an era where being in any way different was to be ridiculed. My parents have so much denial and ableism and I have internalised this.

I have been honest to some people and received the usual, 'no you're not', 'awwww, bless you,' and even the classic, 'everyone's abit autistic , don't worry about it'!

Others have tried to be nice and mention the next autistic person they know in their lives which may or may not have been helpful!

I have been treated like I'm stupid by some, as if suddenly my intelligence has disappeared since I told them!  

Some people are kind but I think unless I'm able to infodump all my internal issues on someone , they truly won't know how I'm affected by my autism in full.

Holding everything in is exhausting so Im trying not to suppress my stims.  I'm always suppressing how I carry my body, my gait for instance in order to appear 'normal'. 

It's all work in progress . It's all about feeling safe to be honest with people.   I'm going to keep trying to let myself flow naturally and be honest with people. At the very least people will get to know what a range of autistic people look like.

beautiful!    

i know im fortunate that i have an autistic husband so we stim, silly dance, do silly voices, twitch, rock, melt down when we need to in the safety of our bubble. but it has made me agoraphobic which definitely is a version of masking!

i passionately detest bullies. the unintentional judges and misunderstandings are extremely uncomfortable too. but i want to be true to who i am even outside my bubble, in a way, to unmask for those who cant unmask. i want to be a part of the change we want to see in the world. and that starts with being us unapologetically and unshamefully.

there are things NTs struggle with too. so none of us are perfect. perfect is an illusion. ive even seen NTs show signs of feeling not special or unique enough to fit in with a neurodivergent group. so everyone can feel that sense of being the "black sheep".

if its just impossible to unmask for any reason you can do what ive being doing. ive been trying to look up local social events for autistics or neurodivergent people etc. we can at least unmask for these occassions to refresh us for when we have to go back outside those bubbles of comfort. I found alien and paranormal/gaming/cosplay communities/events were extremely comfortable for me. so it may just be a matter of finding groups of people who like specific things that mean a lot to you. those groups are not always perfect but they can all provide something that helps a part of yourself you want to liberate. 

thank you that's really helpful to know and will look out for groups locally.  I also stim vocally and alot at home, my husband enjoys my happy noisy stims as he knows if I'm quiet things are very bad for me.... i love silly voices and silly songs, these are my favourite stims :)

i love the film willow! is willow offgood the main guys full name? i cant remember, its been a while!

omg flockamock is an AWESOME word!!!

speaking of made up words i think ive been saying Quince when i dont kno if its a real word or if it means anything! but to describe when someone makes me scrunch my face up in ickiness! "they made me quince!" hehe!

lol! just looked up what quince is!!! its a similar fruit to of pear or sumin!

Most of mine are phrases from tv or films. Quite random ones like Willow Offgood from the film Willow. I like to imitate the voice, there’s like an old chap who chooses hopefuls to become like a wizard. Who chooses Willow. Apart from that it’s made up words really, like a flockamock for a very large group of people….

Most of mine are phrases from tv or films. Quite random ones like Willow Offgood from the film Willow. I like to imitate the voice, there’s like an old chap who chooses hopefuls to become like a wizard. Who chooses Willow. Apart from that it’s made up words really, like a flockamock for a very large group of people….

i love the film willow! is willow offgood the main guys full name? i cant remember, its been a while!

omg flockamock is an AWESOME word!!!

speaking of made up words i think ive been saying Quince when i dont kno if its a real word or if it means anything! but to describe when someone makes me scrunch my face up in ickiness! "they made me quince!" hehe!

lol! just looked up what quince is!!! its a similar fruit to of pear or sumin!