Conflicted over disclosure and acceptance

I agree. It sounds super cliche, but unmasking is an often lonely journey that looks different from person to person. Sometimes it takes more effort than others, but it’s up to you to decide which pros outweigh the cons. I’m personally still in this phase, and damn if it isn’t a rough time, but the hope is to come out the other side happier and more at peace. Best of luck to you, and keep us updated.

My brother was a hand flapper and hand squeezer but told repeatedly not to do it at home.   He still does it minimally and its so sad because I see him realise he's doing it and stopping himself . Such a shame to not be able to express joy in full without some ahole having an opinion!  

thank you that's really helpful to know and will look out for groups locally.  I also stim vocally and alot at home, my husband enjoys my happy noisy stims as he knows if I'm quiet things are very bad for me.... i love silly voices and silly songs, these are my favourite stims :)

Stimming in front of someone else is still a problem for me, I would wear earphones more on things like tube trains but my generation doesn’t do that. I think a childhood of being told to sit still doesn’t help with stimming. I’m okay in the company of my wife, she doesn’t realise that she stims more than I do. A happy stim is similar to why a dog wags it’s tail. That’s only my opinion.

well if it means anything, although we feel so different from all these people outside our bubbles, from what ive read i feel there are a lot of same sames/mirrors i have with you for example. nice to meet you!   

and as the hindus say "namaste" which basically means "the light of my soul recognises the light of your soul".

ive defo had moments of regretting disclosure!!! and then hypermentalise about it for sometimes a week, sometimes more!

ive left all my ex family for reasons including this!

which is a really exciting place to be.  like when you just start an open world computer game and have so much to explore!

thats where i am too.

beautiful. 

beautiful!    

i know im fortunate that i have an autistic husband so we stim, silly dance, do silly voices, twitch, rock, melt down when we need to in the safety of our bubble. but it has made me agoraphobic which definitely is a version of masking!

i passionately detest bullies. the unintentional judges and misunderstandings are extremely uncomfortable too. but i want to be true to who i am even outside my bubble, in a way, to unmask for those who cant unmask. i want to be a part of the change we want to see in the world. and that starts with being us unapologetically and unshamefully.

there are things NTs struggle with too. so none of us are perfect. perfect is an illusion. ive even seen NTs show signs of feeling not special or unique enough to fit in with a neurodivergent group. so everyone can feel that sense of being the "black sheep".

if its just impossible to unmask for any reason you can do what ive being doing. ive been trying to look up local social events for autistics or neurodivergent people etc. we can at least unmask for these occassions to refresh us for when we have to go back outside those bubbles of comfort. I found alien and paranormal/gaming/cosplay communities/events were extremely comfortable for me. so it may just be a matter of finding groups of people who like specific things that mean a lot to you. those groups are not always perfect but they can all provide something that helps a part of yourself you want to liberate. 

Hi, the hardest people to try and explain to is family, I get comments of, “you always used to like that.” It’s then a long defence of, “ no I didn’t, I was masking.”
“ You can’t blame everything on autism.” Then it’s defence mode again.

im all for unmasking and believe we should all be allowed to be us! not someone elses view of how we should be. the greatest acceptance we need is from ourselves.

this is in response to the other thread we were on but id like to get away from that thread for my own reasons now, but its definitely relative to what you say here.

when you said its safe here even if theres sometimes friction or misunderstandings... thank you. thats a very reassuring sentence for me.   

 when i was little, questioning everything was seen as "too sensitive" or i "think too much". but its actually a very awesome tool, to be able to question everything. as long as we try to notice when we are going down the rabbit hole of hypermentalisation. this kind of questioning thinking made awesome philosophers, creators, spokespeople etc. of the world.

we are like onions, as shrek says! each layer is another question about ourselves. we may reveal a mouldy patch under one onion layer, or a bug hiding under another, but its great to just keep peeling each layer to answer one of the greatest questions, "who am i?".

its scary at times feeling so vulnerable the more you question and open yourself up to, but the most important thing, in my opinion, is to remember that exploration and adventure is a fun exciting thing as long as you explore on your terms in your own time and pace and in a safe environment to do so and only when you are mentally prepared for the next revelation about yourself.

there may be traumatising things you reveal that take a long time to process or heal from but once you get past that layer and accept it as part of your journey and who you are today, for me personally, you then learn to let those parts of you go in a sense. they seem to have more subconscious grip on us when we unknowingly have them hidden under the carpet. with revelation and acceptance the mornings for me feel brighter suddenly, gaining a new refreshed perspective of life.

happy self discovery everyone.  and if it means anything, i accept you.

Burgess Meredith said,

“ so you don’t like me, could you just give me a moment to recover from this travesty.”

Yes the judgement of others is hard, especially if we feel others are treating us as 'less than' and we don't always have the strength to argue it.  I think just do what feels safe in any moment and be nice to yourself :)

Thanks Roy, it sounds like you've taken the best approach, I'm just at the edge now knowing I need to take that step and start to mask less.

That's really not good, hope you can get it sorted.

It's exactly why I fear "coming out" or asking for any adjustment

All sounds very familiar!

We just need to be fairer to ourselves I guess, it's just hard when it feels like that would come with judgment from others or being treated differently.

I'm still glad I know, I can understand myself more than ever now, it's just figuring out how to go forward that's a bit rough now 

Thank you for replying I was nervous to return, but could really relate to this post so had to reply!  Yes Im approaching 50 and I think it's just too hard to suppress things now. I just don't have the energy to do it as it was getting too hard to mask even in the smallest of social interactions.  We keep going and trying :)

I'm two years post diagnosis and feel very similar.  There were some things I was able to get support with, (with alot of arguing the Equality Act I might add) and diagnosis provided me with some helpful insight but mostly I've been left confused as to how to present myself in the world.

I feel I should be able to allow myself to speak and move how I want but still feel under pressure to keep my external stims under control to avoid ridicule by nasty people.  I would love to be honest about my autism to anyone, but I grew up in an era where being in any way different was to be ridiculed. My parents have so much denial and ableism and I have internalised this.

I have been honest to some people and received the usual, 'no you're not', 'awwww, bless you,' and even the classic, 'everyone's abit autistic , don't worry about it'!

Others have tried to be nice and mention the next autistic person they know in their lives which may or may not have been helpful!

I have been treated like I'm stupid by some, as if suddenly my intelligence has disappeared since I told them!  

Some people are kind but I think unless I'm able to infodump all my internal issues on someone , they truly won't know how I'm affected by my autism in full.

Holding everything in is exhausting so Im trying not to suppress my stims.  I'm always suppressing how I carry my body, my gait for instance in order to appear 'normal'. 

It's all work in progress . It's all about feeling safe to be honest with people.   I'm going to keep trying to let myself flow naturally and be honest with people. At the very least people will get to know what a range of autistic people look like.