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Conflicted over disclosure and acceptance

Another Autistician

Not posted in a while, been in a bit of denial if I'm honest.

It's been over a year since diagnosis, I've gone through many emotional states since. 

I think recently I've been in denial. I've been acting like nothings different, like I used to years ago before diagnosis, masking completely, telling myself "maybe they got it wrong". I avoid going near the subject with people who know, trying to hope they forgot and think I'm NT.

  1. I'm struggling at the moment to see how I can use the diagnosis for anything useful. I don't want people to treat me differently, I know that the ones I've told might be sympathetic, but they don't have a chance of understanding how I feel. Feels like disclosing to anyone else is a waste of time as it goes against what I want. I spent my life trying to fit in and it goes against that, but I know now that I never will fit as I've been told I'm fundamentally different. 

On the outside people can't see a difference, only those close to me notice my reactions to things can be odd or my mood odd at times, I hide it "that well". I'm lucky that my traits are ones I can mostly hide, but it's often like swallowing a hand grenade. I know it's not doing any good to bottle things.

But all these things said, I think it might be too late in life to embrace or even trust a new big change enough to make it worth it, so I'm "in the closet" pretending I'm NT...

As you can probably tell I'm extremely conflicted.

Guessing you all went through this to some degree so really just wanted to say "me too" and vent a bit. Thanks for listening!

Parents

  • im all for unmasking and believe we should all be allowed to be us! not someone elses view of how we should be. the greatest acceptance we need is from ourselves.

    this is in response to the other thread we were on but id like to get away from that thread for my own reasons now, but its definitely relative to what you say here.

    when you said its safe here even if theres sometimes friction or misunderstandings... thank you. thats a very reassuring sentence for me. Slight smile  Blue heart

     when i was little, questioning everything was seen as "too sensitive" or i "think too much". but its actually a very awesome tool, to be able to question everything. as long as we try to notice when we are going down the rabbit hole of hypermentalisation. this kind of questioning thinking made awesome philosophers, creators, spokespeople etc. of the world.

    we are like onions, as shrek says! each layer is another question about ourselves. we may reveal a mouldy patch under one onion layer, or a bug hiding under another, but its great to just keep peeling each layer to answer one of the greatest questions, "who am i?".

    its scary at times feeling so vulnerable the more you question and open yourself up to, but the most important thing, in my opinion, is to remember that exploration and adventure is a fun exciting thing as long as you explore on your terms in your own time and pace and in a safe environment to do so and only when you are mentally prepared for the next revelation about yourself.

    there may be traumatising things you reveal that take a long time to process or heal from but once you get past that layer and accept it as part of your journey and who you are today, for me personally, you then learn to let those parts of you go in a sense. they seem to have more subconscious grip on us when we unknowingly have them hidden under the carpet. with revelation and acceptance the mornings for me feel brighter suddenly, gaining a new refreshed perspective of life.

    happy self discovery everyone. Slight smile and if it means anything, i accept you.

  • in reply to Sky

    I agree. It sounds super cliche, but unmasking is an often lonely journey that looks different from person to person. Sometimes it takes more effort than others, but it’s up to you to decide which pros outweigh the cons. I’m personally still in this phase, and damn if it isn’t a rough time, but the hope is to come out the other side happier and more at peace. Best of luck to you, and keep us updated.

  • in reply to maxlinger60

    thanks max! Slight smile

    omg the lonliness! from my experience i was a gazillion times  more lonely when i was surrounded by people who all didnt get me, than when i chose to honour who i am and stand proudly alone as a "loner" in school. i remember when i was told by one friend that everyone in the group knew this girl had sold this guys mums ring to get a tattoo on her wrist! everyone was too scared of confronting her because she was treated as the "leader" of the group. i knew once i say something i will lose all my friends. but i confronted her and shortly after everyone left me, and some including the one who stole the ring, and the guy who was robbed, stalked and bullied me. whats better? to shut my mouth so i am not a "loner" or bullied, or to speak up about what matters to me, and in turn eventually rid myself of toxic people?

    on a better note, i love when another autistic person says they have a quirk that i have. that really combats the feeling of lonliness! like "i collect pokemon cards" and your eyes light up with recognition, "really? me too!!!"

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  • in reply to maxlinger60

    thanks max! Slight smile

    omg the lonliness! from my experience i was a gazillion times  more lonely when i was surrounded by people who all didnt get me, than when i chose to honour who i am and stand proudly alone as a "loner" in school. i remember when i was told by one friend that everyone in the group knew this girl had sold this guys mums ring to get a tattoo on her wrist! everyone was too scared of confronting her because she was treated as the "leader" of the group. i knew once i say something i will lose all my friends. but i confronted her and shortly after everyone left me, and some including the one who stole the ring, and the guy who was robbed, stalked and bullied me. whats better? to shut my mouth so i am not a "loner" or bullied, or to speak up about what matters to me, and in turn eventually rid myself of toxic people?

    on a better note, i love when another autistic person says they have a quirk that i have. that really combats the feeling of lonliness! like "i collect pokemon cards" and your eyes light up with recognition, "really? me too!!!"

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