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Conflicted over disclosure and acceptance

Another Autistician

Not posted in a while, been in a bit of denial if I'm honest.

It's been over a year since diagnosis, I've gone through many emotional states since. 

I think recently I've been in denial. I've been acting like nothings different, like I used to years ago before diagnosis, masking completely, telling myself "maybe they got it wrong". I avoid going near the subject with people who know, trying to hope they forgot and think I'm NT.

  1. I'm struggling at the moment to see how I can use the diagnosis for anything useful. I don't want people to treat me differently, I know that the ones I've told might be sympathetic, but they don't have a chance of understanding how I feel. Feels like disclosing to anyone else is a waste of time as it goes against what I want. I spent my life trying to fit in and it goes against that, but I know now that I never will fit as I've been told I'm fundamentally different. 

On the outside people can't see a difference, only those close to me notice my reactions to things can be odd or my mood odd at times, I hide it "that well". I'm lucky that my traits are ones I can mostly hide, but it's often like swallowing a hand grenade. I know it's not doing any good to bottle things.

But all these things said, I think it might be too late in life to embrace or even trust a new big change enough to make it worth it, so I'm "in the closet" pretending I'm NT...

As you can probably tell I'm extremely conflicted.

Guessing you all went through this to some degree so really just wanted to say "me too" and vent a bit. Thanks for listening!

Parents

  • Nice to see you back. I’m also in a lurking mode for some while. I don’t have diagnosis but suspected to be autistic. I relate a lot to the “inappropriate reactions” and not fitting in, moods sometimes too, but I would say my mood is constant and neutral, but I have periods when I feel exhausted without any reason and sleep does not help. I told my mom that my therapist suspects autism and I remember that teachers at school told my mom the same. She was just angry to hear that and she said I’m nothing even close to autism because autistic people are those who do only one thing whole day (slam doors, bang their heads etc) and those who can’t stand certain noises and those who are geniuses at math. While doing the same thing whenever I can applies to me, not standing certain noises too, I’m not a genius at math. So I can’t be autistic in her opinion. It’s very superficial “knowledge “ about autism that my mom possesses and she thinks of herself as an expert in this field and not only. I decided I’m done sharing with anyone. I would like to have the dx only to be able to join a support group. Otherwise I’m kinda tired of being alive (not suicidal though) and I have no energy to go for appointments, speak to strangers about my life and fill out forms etc. 

    Pardon I shared with my manager at work because he himself suspected I have some issues and asked, but he is fine with it, and with me wearing earplugs and he is happy with my work too and with the fact that I don’t gossip. 

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    the diagnosis really does help.

    1.  most importantly to validate all ive gone through and to learn to accept and respect who i am.

    2. to show to others in my life so the good ones stay but with more knowledge on better understanding who i am.

    3. to soften officials. its like magic. i just say "please bare with me, im neurodivergent" and officials become less stern, cold and fast, and become more patient, attentive and supportive.

    4. obviously financial support can really help the struggle. im not gaining financial benefits for my mental health but its a very important benefit for neurodivergents in general.

    me and my husband struggle with will power, energy, insomnia, motivation, focus, meltdowns, suicidal thoughts, etc so have very similar experiences to what it sounds like you are describing.

    my husband is on legal medical herb which has really changed the game for him. at some point im going to apply myself for medical herb too.

    im not suggesting to anyone to take anything without talking with their GPs and doing some research. but this is our story.

Reply
  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    the diagnosis really does help.

    1.  most importantly to validate all ive gone through and to learn to accept and respect who i am.

    2. to show to others in my life so the good ones stay but with more knowledge on better understanding who i am.

    3. to soften officials. its like magic. i just say "please bare with me, im neurodivergent" and officials become less stern, cold and fast, and become more patient, attentive and supportive.

    4. obviously financial support can really help the struggle. im not gaining financial benefits for my mental health but its a very important benefit for neurodivergents in general.

    me and my husband struggle with will power, energy, insomnia, motivation, focus, meltdowns, suicidal thoughts, etc so have very similar experiences to what it sounds like you are describing.

    my husband is on legal medical herb which has really changed the game for him. at some point im going to apply myself for medical herb too.

    im not suggesting to anyone to take anything without talking with their GPs and doing some research. but this is our story.

Children