Conflicted over disclosure and acceptance

Not posted in a while, been in a bit of denial if I'm honest.

It's been over a year since diagnosis, I've gone through many emotional states since.

I think recently I've been in denial. I've been acting like nothings different, like I used to years ago before diagnosis, masking completely, telling myself "maybe they got it wrong". I avoid going near the subject with people who know, trying to hope they forgot and think I'm NT.

I'm struggling at the moment to see how I can use the diagnosis for anything useful. I don't want people to treat me differently, I know that the ones I've told might be sympathetic, but they don't have a chance of understanding how I feel. Feels like disclosing to anyone else is a waste of time as it goes against what I want. I spent my life trying to fit in and it goes against that, but I know now that I never will fit as I've been told I'm fundamentally different.

On the outside people can't see a difference, only those close to me notice my reactions to things can be odd or my mood odd at times, I hide it "that well". I'm lucky that my traits are ones I can mostly hide, but it's often like swallowing a hand grenade. I know it's not doing any good to bottle things.

But all these things said, I think it might be too late in life to embrace or even trust a new big change enough to make it worth it, so I'm "in the closet" pretending I'm NT...

As you can probably tell I'm extremely conflicted.

Guessing you all went through this to some degree so really just wanted to say "me too" and vent a bit. Thanks for listening!

Parents

Lotus 2 months ago

Yes, I went through a similar thing. Welcome back to the community.
Another Autistician 2 months ago in reply to Lotus

Thanks Lotus, It's good to know, I assume most people have gone through the same, it's sad to think about us all struggling.

I always struggled massively with being seen as different, unless it was positive, like I was always best at maths when I was in primary school and that got me praise, but then being clever at highschool was "un cool" so I messed about to try and look good and fit in.

I've done really well in life, but it's been so tough, I'm exhausted and really want to retire but sadly can't for a while yet. I struggle to explain it to people too, if I ever tell anyone, I can't put into words how severe the anxiety can be, people just say "yeah I get that too" and I feel like a fraud and frustrated at their lack of understanding.

If I had to sum up my current state it's "hiding" in fear of what I lose if I don't.
Jalapeno 2 months ago in reply to Another Autistician

I've limited disclosure both to my family and at work (mgr + HR know) , and only one old friend that didn't go to plan tbh.

Not sure whether the problem is just bad awareness of autism - that NTs think its only certain presentations and not the spectrum, and think media doesn't help either.

I think if I opened up at the present I'd perhaps make a mess and be thrown by anything they say rather than them hear me out, so for the moment I'm keeping my mask on and my Autism private. I would like to in time, open up, I may reach out to someone at my company (another office) who was not long diagnosed but is public to hear their experience.

Reply

Jalapeno 2 months ago in reply to Another Autistician

I've limited disclosure both to my family and at work (mgr + HR know) , and only one old friend that didn't go to plan tbh.

Not sure whether the problem is just bad awareness of autism - that NTs think its only certain presentations and not the spectrum, and think media doesn't help either.

I think if I opened up at the present I'd perhaps make a mess and be thrown by anything they say rather than them hear me out, so for the moment I'm keeping my mask on and my Autism private. I would like to in time, open up, I may reach out to someone at my company (another office) who was not long diagnosed but is public to hear their experience.

Children

Another Autistician 2 months ago in reply to Jalapeno

Yeah I hate interviews, make me more anxious than anything else does.

I don't think I'd disclose during the process, I feel like I'd be negatively judged as a result, but that's just the way I think, I'm sure it'd be fine.
Jalapeno 2 months ago in reply to Another Autistician

Good to hear your disclosure with Family & Friends went well , albeit they perhaps make no adjustments for you.

Hope your new new boss (if you have one yet) is approachable and makes any accommodations you want

Same my company does at face value have multiple groups including ND, although I've not participated in that yet. Something I will look into soon.

I'm happy with the firm I'm at, but wonder what difference disclosure would make if I had to leave and interview elsewhere. TBH I don't interview great but believe my skills and experience get me through. Would I be upfront during the recruitment process ? not sure, but something to consider, and possibly depending on the nature of the hiring company too
Another Autistician 2 months ago in reply to Jalapeno

I've yet to o talk to anyone at work who's been diagnosed. I told my boss but he's since left and to be honest I don't know if he ever told the head of our department, or my new boss (who's also left) or both..

There's lots of communities and so on in the company, a big drive for DEI etc. it all has the appearance of safe, But I don't feel comfortable yet, it's my own hangups , I still feel like I risk them lighting torches and sharpening pitch forks if I "came out"

I've told family and friends. To be honest everyone was great about it.

I think the thing people perhaps don't understand is adjusting, they seem to think that's all mine to do. I honestly think some people assume that knowing it's "the autism" that means certain things have negative effects on me means I can just go " oh it's the tism, I'll ignore those feelings, hey look I'm fine now!" Rather than them thinking about adjusting their behaviour to help me.