Regression

Please know, dear John....you are not alone nor unusual for the place you now find yourself in.  Stick around here.  It is "shelled out" these days.....but people who know and understand  you inhabit these corridors....albeit in the shadows?!

Never apologise for a "long message" = those are normally the MOST genuine and true ones...in my experience. 

Things can, and do, get better.......albeit VERY eventually!  This is not the worst place to inhabit sir.

Yours,

Number.

Hi JT,

Yes I'm having exactly this problem at the moment, very similar to what Jax below wrote.

After my diagnosis 3 or 4 years ago (I'm 52) I was actually pleased and relieved because it explained a lifetime of problems with people and I thought it would stop me blaming myself. 

I followed my diagnosis with a huge amount of self analysis, going over my life and relationships to try and understand and analyse what went right and wrong and how to move forward in the light of the new situation. I soon decided to give myself permission to not go to many social events that I may have forced myself to previously. I also told several of my family and friends of my diagnosis, this didn't go as well as I'd thought.

I should also mention that I had also got more anxious after Covid, although I really enjoyed it at the start, I now see it did me damage through being isolated.

Anyway, here I am 3 or 4 years later and have found that I am having huge problems with extreme social anxiety and self consciousness to the point that I'm even a nervous wreck with family and friends. I can't do eye contact easily any more, I'm obsessed with my body language, as well as hugely analysing the other persons. The upshot of this is that I have lost my personality and connection with people in person as I can't fully concentrate on what we're saying while I am noticing all the other stuff. The problem is that I am so uncomfortable that when I do interact with people they are so obviously uncomfortable with me that this obviously makes it worse. 

I'm now doing lots of research on articles etc to work out how to get myself out of this situation as I'm desperate.

The bottom line is, and apologies for this long message, it pains me to say that I regret having my diagnosis. Despite my lifelong social issues, I was in a better place than I am now. 

Let me tell you. I have clear and vivid memories of being a happy and joyful little child. I also remember going for my first Vax and being scared to death. I also remember after the event being sick and having a fever all the time. I also remember a dark cloud of depression coming over my head at the time that is still with me today. I can still feel it right now it never leaves me. It's like everything is altered and I am living in some kind of weird shadow world where I am not sure what is real and what is not. I am aware that my brain is altered. I have accepted this fact now. Headaches, light sensitivity, tremors, myoclonus, anxiety, Allergies I get all the classic neurological stuff associated with autism. I also have a diagnosis which I obtained a few years ago which provided me with the opportunity to develop a deep and powerful insight. I like nation autistic society. They're okay some things that they do I do not agree with but I get the impression that they mean well in their intention. 

Yes thank you for this post. I identify with what you say. I regressed as a small child. It was round about the time I received my dipheria vaccine as a toddler. I am not saying that this event caused the regression however it is very coincidental that I did happen to regress at the same time as this event happening. I also wasn't aware that the dph vaccine contains aluminium which is a neurotoxin that alters brain GABA levels and causes hyperexcitability and an overactive brain leading to symptoms of anxiety and seizures tremors and the rest. I wasn't aware that certain vaccines have the capability to alter brain chemistry in certain people who have the correct susceptibility genes. But who knows it could be coincidental. I don't know. I am also not giving advice or health advice. Just my story which is equally valid to others.

Hi JT, I can relate to what you are talking about. Since my recent discovery I seem to struggle with things that I did not really even notice before especially around people orientated stuff. Really struggling on this front and have avoided a lot of social contact. I have not been working for the last few months but will be starting again soon which I know will be tough. I know I am going to have to push myself back out there but hopefully I can do this in small steps...I really don't want to go backward again!

Great description. I'm also looking for signs that user me in a direction but they keep leading me back to staying at home and hiding too.

About to embark on a period of challenging myself to step out of this because I really need to find new work and change my unhealthy work life.

Good luck to you

I feel exactly the same in that I am no longer able to push through and cope with life after diagnosis. I suppose harassment and discrimination at work has not helped before and since my diagnosis. I no longer can cope with many things I used to do and struggle for energy and motivation.

I feel that I am at a crossroads but the direction signs are missing. Sometimes I just want to curl up and just stop the world.

People prefer convenience over work, alas.

It was as if society found our achilles heel, five years ago. Not matter how hard I readjust, it keeps throwing me off.

I am going through this.

Actually since the pandemic really. 

Since Covid I realised I 'can't be the person' I was anymore. I found it hard to be the person my friends recognised, do the things work required and generally do anything I used to be able to cope with. This lead to my diagnosis a few months ago. Since diagnosis it has ramped up too, it is like my body and mind has just forgotten how to perform and so all the things around me I have been 'coping' with have become overwhelming.

It has been suggested to me that after a lifetime of Masking I am no longer able to and that is what I am recognising as regression.

I haven't had any professional answers yet but I will share them if I get them.

I really hope you get answers / things brighten for you soon.

Thanks Number. It's so hard to now function at the same level as I did. My industry is pretty much changing beyond recognition because of Ai and I'm feeling increasingly lost as to how to move forward when I don't even think I can do the work I did before. I feel sort of homeless in my skin

The NAS pages on Autistic fatigue & burnout would appear to be the closest link I can give from this place (although I may have missed something)

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/professionals

The page refers more to regression with children than with adults though, as autistic burnout appears the favoured term when referring to adults. 

It is hard to swim against an endless tide of regressive forces that seem to be all around at the moment.  I'm not sure how much is "personal" in source -v- environmental.......but in answer to your question JT,  YES....I feel a growing experience  of regression with my life experience.