Regression

Yeah I've been stalked drugged and groomed because I was diagnosed with aspergers but the confusion surrounding the changes in how the dsm 5 recognise aspergers syndrome led some people to believe that all people with aspergers syndrome or oppositional demand avoidance actually changed into classic autistic rather than the words in a book being the things that changed , they seen me as they see calsic autistic people and I seen people for what they were , disgusting predatory nasty narcissistic bullying poisoning grooming scum , I doubt I'll ever smile an honest smile again. 

Yes interesting. I like to think of autism as an insidious disease that infests the human mind. I feel damaged mentally or neurologically however you wish to phrase it. Something just doesn't feel right I am constantly there but not fully there at the same time if you get what I mean by that. People always talk about 'the lights are on but no one is home' I mean something like this. I find autism as a topic highly interesting. I constantly get throbbing pains in my head especially in response to loud noises or bright lights. I take paracetamol from time to time to combat this. I even went to see a neurologist which I had to wait a few years for. But they have sent me for a brain scan I do wonder what this scan might show to be honest but time will tell I suppose. By the way I have never had my head scanned not once. I understand that it's not something most autistic people get the chance to experience so I am grateful in that sense haha

Yeh screw society. I don't like this world it's not friendly enough.

People, or commerce? Capitalists rule the world and it makes me sick

Agreed!!

In my experience life is a constant form of two steps forward and there steps back. Resilience is built and that takes times and self belief, things we all struggle with I'm sure stay positive, you can doit ️

This is interesting. The vaccine convo is defo an area of interest given it's so widespread for kids

Sorry to hear that too. Keep the faith. I find that when I look to animals they help to both calm me and restore my faith in living as part of nature. They never change, it's only society that does all the problem causing!

For me lockdown was tough, but also meant remote working began, which all but cured my IBD! Now, as everyone returns to commuting to work (in a climate crisis, this still BLOWS MY MIND! Humans are simpletons!) I am similarly faced with pressures to travel, be surrounded by crowds, and so I am stuck with how to make next steps without confronting those realities.

Listen to Number and your life will grow, that's a promise.

Thanks for your responses everyone. It seems to be affecting all of us similarly. Which in many ways is a relief.

I think, on reflection, my issue then isn't that I'm alone in this, or it being something I shouldn't be feeling, it is, in fact normal! Yay.

On further reflection, I think my issue then isn't one of 'problem' and is really one of adaptation. Change being famously difficult for us all, is actually constant. It's only my perception of it and fear around it that is holding me back.

One thing that has helped me is preparing. Having enough savings so that when works gone quiet I have a couple of months fallback. Also, being open with my partner about my struggles and need for space etc has helped, it's also great that she at least tries to understand.

In many ways things things are great, I guess it's just the long journey of self acceptance that we are on. But it's so nice to hear we are all on the same journey  The path to freedom as it were 

I'm self diagnosed as of 3 years ago, but I've also noticed this. I no longer have the spoons to teach fitness classes or work in busy environments. My memory seems to have worsened, and I also don't make much eye contact when I'm out in public due to the risk of RSD if my nod or smile isn't returned. I also only talk to friends online now because face to face meetings are so exhausting.

I do think that a lot of my regression is a mixture of burnout and also unmasking. Recognising that I'm AuDHD has helped me to realise what drains me and/or triggers me, so I actively avoid those scenarios or environments in an attempt to keep myself safer and happier.

Unfortunately that does mean my social and employment options are more limited these days. There's no way around that though if I want to continue to function.

That's sad sorry to hear that. Lockdown was bad. I didn't like it much

The past few years have been really difficult for myself and other members of my family and I feel we are not coping as well with life as we were before the pandemic. Withdrawing from many aspects of life during lockdowns etc suited us on one level, but the isolation made ‘going back’ to ‘normal life’ really hard. I got really ill with Covid too - and was left with ptsd and really severe anxiety because of that. It’s taken 3 years to get back to anything even close to normal for us (as normal as we can be anyway!). But we get so easily overwhelmed by everyday things that a lot of people find easy. I in particular find being around lots of people and crowds really difficult. We found getting a diagnosis to be a positive thing - but the pandemic had a really bad impact on us - and we are still struggling with the effects of that. 

Please know, dear John....you are not alone nor unusual for the place you now find yourself in.  Stick around here.  It is "shelled out" these days.....but people who know and understand  you inhabit these corridors....albeit in the shadows?!

Never apologise for a "long message" = those are normally the MOST genuine and true ones...in my experience. 

Things can, and do, get better.......albeit VERY eventually!  This is not the worst place to inhabit sir.

Yours,

Number.

Hi JT,

Yes I'm having exactly this problem at the moment, very similar to what Jax below wrote.

After my diagnosis 3 or 4 years ago (I'm 52) I was actually pleased and relieved because it explained a lifetime of problems with people and I thought it would stop me blaming myself. 

I followed my diagnosis with a huge amount of self analysis, going over my life and relationships to try and understand and analyse what went right and wrong and how to move forward in the light of the new situation. I soon decided to give myself permission to not go to many social events that I may have forced myself to previously. I also told several of my family and friends of my diagnosis, this didn't go as well as I'd thought.

I should also mention that I had also got more anxious after Covid, although I really enjoyed it at the start, I now see it did me damage through being isolated.

Anyway, here I am 3 or 4 years later and have found that I am having huge problems with extreme social anxiety and self consciousness to the point that I'm even a nervous wreck with family and friends. I can't do eye contact easily any more, I'm obsessed with my body language, as well as hugely analysing the other persons. The upshot of this is that I have lost my personality and connection with people in person as I can't fully concentrate on what we're saying while I am noticing all the other stuff. The problem is that I am so uncomfortable that when I do interact with people they are so obviously uncomfortable with me that this obviously makes it worse. 

I'm now doing lots of research on articles etc to work out how to get myself out of this situation as I'm desperate.

The bottom line is, and apologies for this long message, it pains me to say that I regret having my diagnosis. Despite my lifelong social issues, I was in a better place than I am now. 

Let me tell you. I have clear and vivid memories of being a happy and joyful little child. I also remember going for my first Vax and being scared to death. I also remember after the event being sick and having a fever all the time. I also remember a dark cloud of depression coming over my head at the time that is still with me today. I can still feel it right now it never leaves me. It's like everything is altered and I am living in some kind of weird shadow world where I am not sure what is real and what is not. I am aware that my brain is altered. I have accepted this fact now. Headaches, light sensitivity, tremors, myoclonus, anxiety, Allergies I get all the classic neurological stuff associated with autism. I also have a diagnosis which I obtained a few years ago which provided me with the opportunity to develop a deep and powerful insight. I like nation autistic society. They're okay some things that they do I do not agree with but I get the impression that they mean well in their intention. 

Yes thank you for this post. I identify with what you say. I regressed as a small child. It was round about the time I received my dipheria vaccine as a toddler. I am not saying that this event caused the regression however it is very coincidental that I did happen to regress at the same time as this event happening. I also wasn't aware that the dph vaccine contains aluminium which is a neurotoxin that alters brain GABA levels and causes hyperexcitability and an overactive brain leading to symptoms of anxiety and seizures tremors and the rest. I wasn't aware that certain vaccines have the capability to alter brain chemistry in certain people who have the correct susceptibility genes. But who knows it could be coincidental. I don't know. I am also not giving advice or health advice. Just my story which is equally valid to others.

Hi JT, I can relate to what you are talking about. Since my recent discovery I seem to struggle with things that I did not really even notice before especially around people orientated stuff. Really struggling on this front and have avoided a lot of social contact. I have not been working for the last few months but will be starting again soon which I know will be tough. I know I am going to have to push myself back out there but hopefully I can do this in small steps...I really don't want to go backward again!

Great description. I'm also looking for signs that user me in a direction but they keep leading me back to staying at home and hiding too.

About to embark on a period of challenging myself to step out of this because I really need to find new work and change my unhealthy work life.

Good luck to you

I feel exactly the same in that I am no longer able to push through and cope with life after diagnosis. I suppose harassment and discrimination at work has not helped before and since my diagnosis. I no longer can cope with many things I used to do and struggle for energy and motivation.

I feel that I am at a crossroads but the direction signs are missing. Sometimes I just want to curl up and just stop the world.