I wanted to be nice and I don't know if I did something wrong

The headline makes it sound like I did something totally inappropriate, but I don't understand what happened.

I gave a compliment (or some kind of compliment?) and I feel like I said something wrong.
I'm doing a conversation course online. The teacher is very nice and the group has been meeting with her for over a year. We also exchange a few private words from time to time, nothing profound, for example that her children go to a public school and are sports enthusiasts, or that I like to prepare oven dishes. When I told her that, she said that she likes to do that too and that she prefers savoury snacks and not so much cake. She said: ‘I like simple things. Why make it complicated when you can make it simple’. I was happy that she said that because I think the same way. So I said: ‘I like you, you're just like me.’ After I said that, everyone was suddenly quiet, including her, and then she suddenly started talking about a different topic and when we said goodbye, she suddenly started using my full name again and no longer my nickname, which she usually (!) uses. She never uses my full name. What did I do wrong? I was just happy that we had something in common and told her that I liked her, so I wanted to say that I thought she was nice. She also knows that English is not my first language and that I have autism. Because she lives in another country, I'm not going to suddenly turn up at her door and visit her because I think she's nice. I would never do that, even if she lived next door. Do I have to apologise now? But what can I say? These are exactly the events that get me down. That's why I don't like being around people and why I mainly socialise via Zoom or Skype or other video conferencing platforms. 

These are exactly the events that get me down. I express my feelings, I want to be nice, and it comes across as totally inadequate. That's why I don't like being around people and why I mainly socialise via Zoom or Skype or other video conferencing platforms. Then nobody - including me - has to be afraid that I or someone else will become pushy or want to meet up more often. 

So, did I do something wrong? Any idea?

Thanks, Gabby

  • I tend to agree due to similar experiences I’ve had. You’ve already mentioned tone and context and I wonder if the phrase also triggers a memory for them of a different situation. I’m sure most women (and men?) have had someone actually being creepy to them in the past and so when someone else innocently uses the same phrase they’re taken back to that creepy situation and, as you’ve said, shut it down as they’re in a position of authority. 

  • I agree with this, and you've no need to worry. Any relationship between two people will be different, dependant on those two people!! If you need to hold off on literal expression with this teacherGrinto avoid misinterpretation, then so be it   Grin

  • You didn’t over react. I’ve felt similar in situations but I like the idea it’s not all on us and it’s mutual lack of understanding at times. I would have felt the same as you but I honestly believe that most people would appreciate it as a lovely and unexpected compliment. 

  • Yes, I have heard of the theory of double empathy. It always sounded very logical to me. I also read the page the NAS published. It's good to always consider that this kind of misunderstanding can happen. The problem is that the course of conversation is actually okay for non-autistic/allistic people and I and my communication behaviour is the problem. So it's difficult to say: "WE have a problem" when it looks like only I have a problem. Anyway, seems like I a little bit overreacted this time (just like others here suggested). I think it's okay again. 

  • There’s a good cartoon online about cats and dogs and double empathy theory if you google search it. It won’t let me paste on here as file is too big. Also national autistic society has a page too 

  • Have you heard of double empathy theory? It’s good

  • I agree and someone saying they like you is a great compliment! I hold onto some few times when people have said this as positives that keep me going through hard time and I used to be a teacher. It may be Judy that it was exceptionally kind of you to say this. I often find neurotypical people strange for always assuming theres a hidden agenda. 

  • Yes I agree I feel we can’t say much without it being misunderstood and I spend a lot time apologising too 

  • Exactly 

  • Hello Gabby,

    I can relate as this is the kind of scenario I’d be in every day. If I’m talking to another autistic adult it would be okay but i often don’t talk in groups for worry something like this happens. It’s okay to feel sad about this. I would too. I think maybe they mistook your meaning but I perfectly understand what you mean but maybe they felt you were being hard on yourself. I often find myself saying don’t worry I won’t stalk you and silly things like that as people get so weird about things. Nero typical chat is utterly bizarre. You tried and that’s what counts. Don’t let it spoil your positive feelings about the course in general. You did good.

  • That’s great to hear - I’m glad things are back to normal!

    Thank you for updating us, too. It’s always nice to hear how things worked out, especially when they’ve gone well :)

  • Thank you for your answers. I consider that I may have simply overreacted or that the situation is not that bad. I didn't flirt, and I don't think the teacher assumed that either, because she is married and has children. When we met again yesterday I've just carried on as usual, I've been nice and she's been nice too and I'm sure it's OK now. I tell myself that there is no need to be ashamed when I think someone is nice, why shouldn't I enjoy chatting with a friendly person who shares some of my interests. 

  • Oh well flirting has always gone right over my head, lol. What all these pop psychologists say about stuff like flirting is often very culture specific anyway, I haven't taken any notice of it since I stopped reading Cosmopolitan magazine years ago.

  • Hi Gabby.

    I have found that more than 50% of the people that I say "I like you" too, misinterpret my meaning or intent.  I think this is a particularly "British" thing.

    More than 50% will take that comment from me as being either "over familiar", "creepy" or will otherwise trigger them to hit the "cool it" button.

    I confuses the *#*~-out-of-me, when that happens?  What could be wrong will telling someone that you like them?  But....like I say.....with me being a numbers-type-of-entity....I have come to understand that "I like you" is a phrase that = I need to use VERY sparingly.

    You must remember that your teacher is in a "position of authority" over you, and in these days of hyper-vigilance against "abuse of power", there is a very good chance that they became "scared" by your declaration.

    One of the greatest compliments that I receive from people who are not from this country (ie - I am native UK) is that I am not like the average "Brit" in my interactions with other nationalities.

    Like everyone else who has commented to you.....I agree that YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.......but perhaps unlike most, I am happy to provide the additional information......as I have come to understand it here in Britain.

    You did NOTHING wrong in my eyes, and evidently of those below.......but I CAN understand why you got the reaction you received.

    I hope that information is helpful and reassuring to you.

    Best regards to you (and your first language)

    Number.

  • The phrase "I like you" is a risky one to use and needs the right context and tone to be used to get the meaning across.

    It can be easily seen as flirting - I've had kickback from using it on several occasions when I was being sociable and friendly (so I thought) but the people in question thought I was making a pass at them.

    I base if on a mix of experience and reading - have a look at the following link to see how complex it can be:

    https://theloverlist.com/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-says-i-like-you-decoding-the-true-intentions/

  • Due to our autism, we're naturally prone to having social misunderstandings and miscommunications. These are due to our condition, not our intentions, so are not our (or your, in this example) fault.  

    Unfortunately, it's impossible (without asking her, which I wouldn't personally recommend) to know why she reacted that way. 

    Her reaction might, for example, be because she felt that you were implying that she might also be autistic. Some people might find that suggestion shocking or unwelcome - for example, due to their own personal prejudices, ignorance about the subject, fear of associated stigma, or just feeling taken aback in that moment and not knowing how best to react, etc.

    Equally, it could just be because she's not used to receiving such direct compliments (as autistics, we can be prone to being more direct than others in how we communicate with others) and so felt thrown / awkward, and unsure how to respond - especially in the (virtual) company of others.

    I don't personally see it as having been a flirty comment rather than just a kind / friendly / direct one, but anything is possible.

    Regardless of what upset her - if anything did at all, which is by no means certain - if you want to, you could offer a private apology along the lines of "I hope I didn't say anything to upset you, and I'm sorry if I did".

    Or you could just carry on as normal, which would hopefully allow you both to move on from it without risking making things any more awkward for either / both of you. I'd personally lean towards the latter and try not to dwell on it (which I appreciate can be much easier said than done).

  • Is it flirting? How is it flirting?

  • So I said: ‘I like you, you're just like me.’ After I said that, everyone was suddenly quiet, including her,

    I think this line crosses an unspoken line into overt flirting and it is probably the reason why things changed so suddenly.

    It is one of those areas that are not clearly defined and hard for autists with poor social skills to understand.

    The reason for her to change tone and become formal is that she probably thought she had led you astray with the small talk, resulting in the "statement of interest" in a semi-public place. This was a risk for her to face disciplinary action for inappropriate engagement with the students (a hot topic in this woke age) so she probably over-compensated and went formal on you.

    My take on what you have said is that it is an innocent mistake on your part but because of the position it put the teacher in, she had to shut it down hard to protect her job.

    If you must apologise then keep it really brief, something like "I'm sorry if I was in any way inappropriate with my comment, it was not meant to offend" and leave it at that.

    In your shoes I would consider that relationship unlikely to recover so keep your interactions polite, formal and on topic in future.

    These are exactly the events that get me down. I express my feelings

    It is useful to know it is only safe to do this when there is already some sort of arrangement in place to talk about feelings, and only do in one to one with the person, never in public. Simple rules that can save a lot of heartache.

  • I agree you've done nothing wrong and even if she did get the hump, its her problem not yours.

    I think one of the things autists are really good at is taking responsibility for everyone elses feelings, I think it comes from years of being told we're doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong things that we become hyper aware and feel that every little thing we say and do are under intense scrutiny, when most of the time they're not and people may not even remember the conversation we've been agonising over or think we've done anything wrong if they do remember.

  • No, you've done nothing wrong.  Really.   Nothing.

    My impression is that you are over-thinking, and she didn't anticipate your words, so took a step back, that's all. 

    Don't apologise because then that'll lead to more awkwardness if she didn't take it like you are fearing she did.  To use common parlance, you'll end up digging a deeper hole for yourself and feeling more uncomfortable.

    One of the biggest problems with online courses is that you cannot get a full picture of the meaning & implied meaning behind what someone says.  You can't always see the expressions on their faces either.  She likely heard your words, and took them in the literal sense.  'Like' has a range attached to it.  She 'should' have factored that in, but if she hasn't, it is her issue - not yours.

    I like posts such as this, because they give me opportunity to explain situations I've been in where communication has similarly gone wrong.  Notice the like.  I am liking the post, and I like the fact you wrote it.  No more.  Some people are touchy, and I guess they potentially can be more so in a student-teacher relationship, to be fair.  Perhaps this is why she recoiled and used your full name - again her issue, possibly protecting herself. 

    I've paid people compliments before, and it can go wrong.  Some just don't like receiving them, or don't know how to.  Perhaps she never does.  That isn't your fault.  

    You can 'like' virtually anything without having it having a romantic connotation.   I may like an ice-cream but it doesn't mean I wish to take it on a date.   We are ASD, and you informed your teacher you were.  ASD people are known to be quite literal in my experience.  You liked her.  If she misinterpreted it, it his her issue. 


    Please try not to worry about it.