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I wanted to be nice and I don't know if I did something wrong

Gabby

The headline makes it sound like I did something totally inappropriate, but I don't understand what happened.

I gave a compliment (or some kind of compliment?) and I feel like I said something wrong.
I'm doing a conversation course online. The teacher is very nice and the group has been meeting with her for over a year. We also exchange a few private words from time to time, nothing profound, for example that her children go to a public school and are sports enthusiasts, or that I like to prepare oven dishes. When I told her that, she said that she likes to do that too and that she prefers savoury snacks and not so much cake. She said: ‘I like simple things. Why make it complicated when you can make it simple’. I was happy that she said that because I think the same way. So I said: ‘I like you, you're just like me.’ After I said that, everyone was suddenly quiet, including her, and then she suddenly started talking about a different topic and when we said goodbye, she suddenly started using my full name again and no longer my nickname, which she usually (!) uses. She never uses my full name. What did I do wrong? I was just happy that we had something in common and told her that I liked her, so I wanted to say that I thought she was nice. She also knows that English is not my first language and that I have autism. Because she lives in another country, I'm not going to suddenly turn up at her door and visit her because I think she's nice. I would never do that, even if she lived next door. Do I have to apologise now? But what can I say? These are exactly the events that get me down. That's why I don't like being around people and why I mainly socialise via Zoom or Skype or other video conferencing platforms. 

These are exactly the events that get me down. I express my feelings, I want to be nice, and it comes across as totally inadequate. That's why I don't like being around people and why I mainly socialise via Zoom or Skype or other video conferencing platforms. Then nobody - including me - has to be afraid that I or someone else will become pushy or want to meet up more often. 

So, did I do something wrong? Any idea?

Thanks, Gabby

Parents

  • Due to our autism, we're naturally prone to having social misunderstandings and miscommunications. These are due to our condition, not our intentions, so are not our (or your, in this example) fault.  

    Unfortunately, it's impossible (without asking her, which I wouldn't personally recommend) to know why she reacted that way. 

    Her reaction might, for example, be because she felt that you were implying that she might also be autistic. Some people might find that suggestion shocking or unwelcome - for example, due to their own personal prejudices, ignorance about the subject, fear of associated stigma, or just feeling taken aback in that moment and not knowing how best to react, etc.

    Equally, it could just be because she's not used to receiving such direct compliments (as autistics, we can be prone to being more direct than others in how we communicate with others) and so felt thrown / awkward, and unsure how to respond - especially in the (virtual) company of others.

    I don't personally see it as having been a flirty comment rather than just a kind / friendly / direct one, but anything is possible.

    Regardless of what upset her - if anything did at all, which is by no means certain - if you want to, you could offer a private apology along the lines of "I hope I didn't say anything to upset you, and I'm sorry if I did".

    Or you could just carry on as normal, which would hopefully allow you both to move on from it without risking making things any more awkward for either / both of you. I'd personally lean towards the latter and try not to dwell on it (which I appreciate can be much easier said than done).

Reply

  • Due to our autism, we're naturally prone to having social misunderstandings and miscommunications. These are due to our condition, not our intentions, so are not our (or your, in this example) fault.  

    Unfortunately, it's impossible (without asking her, which I wouldn't personally recommend) to know why she reacted that way. 

    Her reaction might, for example, be because she felt that you were implying that she might also be autistic. Some people might find that suggestion shocking or unwelcome - for example, due to their own personal prejudices, ignorance about the subject, fear of associated stigma, or just feeling taken aback in that moment and not knowing how best to react, etc.

    Equally, it could just be because she's not used to receiving such direct compliments (as autistics, we can be prone to being more direct than others in how we communicate with others) and so felt thrown / awkward, and unsure how to respond - especially in the (virtual) company of others.

    I don't personally see it as having been a flirty comment rather than just a kind / friendly / direct one, but anything is possible.

    Regardless of what upset her - if anything did at all, which is by no means certain - if you want to, you could offer a private apology along the lines of "I hope I didn't say anything to upset you, and I'm sorry if I did".

    Or you could just carry on as normal, which would hopefully allow you both to move on from it without risking making things any more awkward for either / both of you. I'd personally lean towards the latter and try not to dwell on it (which I appreciate can be much easier said than done).

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