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I wanted to be nice and I don't know if I did something wrong

Gabby

The headline makes it sound like I did something totally inappropriate, but I don't understand what happened.

I gave a compliment (or some kind of compliment?) and I feel like I said something wrong.
I'm doing a conversation course online. The teacher is very nice and the group has been meeting with her for over a year. We also exchange a few private words from time to time, nothing profound, for example that her children go to a public school and are sports enthusiasts, or that I like to prepare oven dishes. When I told her that, she said that she likes to do that too and that she prefers savoury snacks and not so much cake. She said: ‘I like simple things. Why make it complicated when you can make it simple’. I was happy that she said that because I think the same way. So I said: ‘I like you, you're just like me.’ After I said that, everyone was suddenly quiet, including her, and then she suddenly started talking about a different topic and when we said goodbye, she suddenly started using my full name again and no longer my nickname, which she usually (!) uses. She never uses my full name. What did I do wrong? I was just happy that we had something in common and told her that I liked her, so I wanted to say that I thought she was nice. She also knows that English is not my first language and that I have autism. Because she lives in another country, I'm not going to suddenly turn up at her door and visit her because I think she's nice. I would never do that, even if she lived next door. Do I have to apologise now? But what can I say? These are exactly the events that get me down. That's why I don't like being around people and why I mainly socialise via Zoom or Skype or other video conferencing platforms. 

These are exactly the events that get me down. I express my feelings, I want to be nice, and it comes across as totally inadequate. That's why I don't like being around people and why I mainly socialise via Zoom or Skype or other video conferencing platforms. Then nobody - including me - has to be afraid that I or someone else will become pushy or want to meet up more often. 

So, did I do something wrong? Any idea?

Thanks, Gabby

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  • Gabby said:
    So I said: ‘I like you, you're just like me.’ After I said that, everyone was suddenly quiet, including her,

    I think this line crosses an unspoken line into overt flirting and it is probably the reason why things changed so suddenly.

    It is one of those areas that are not clearly defined and hard for autists with poor social skills to understand.

    The reason for her to change tone and become formal is that she probably thought she had led you astray with the small talk, resulting in the "statement of interest" in a semi-public place. This was a risk for her to face disciplinary action for inappropriate engagement with the students (a hot topic in this woke age) so she probably over-compensated and went formal on you.

    My take on what you have said is that it is an innocent mistake on your part but because of the position it put the teacher in, she had to shut it down hard to protect her job.

    If you must apologise then keep it really brief, something like "I'm sorry if I was in any way inappropriate with my comment, it was not meant to offend" and leave it at that.

    In your shoes I would consider that relationship unlikely to recover so keep your interactions polite, formal and on topic in future.

    Gabby said:
    These are exactly the events that get me down. I express my feelings

    It is useful to know it is only safe to do this when there is already some sort of arrangement in place to talk about feelings, and only do in one to one with the person, never in public. Simple rules that can save a lot of heartache.

  • in reply to Iain

    Is it flirting? How is it flirting?

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    The phrase "I like you" is a risky one to use and needs the right context and tone to be used to get the meaning across.

    It can be easily seen as flirting - I've had kickback from using it on several occasions when I was being sociable and friendly (so I thought) but the people in question thought I was making a pass at them.

    I base if on a mix of experience and reading - have a look at the following link to see how complex it can be:

    https://theloverlist.com/what-does-it-mean-when-someone-says-i-like-you-decoding-the-true-intentions/

  • in reply to Iain

    I tend to agree due to similar experiences I’ve had. You’ve already mentioned tone and context and I wonder if the phrase also triggers a memory for them of a different situation. I’m sure most women (and men?) have had someone actually being creepy to them in the past and so when someone else innocently uses the same phrase they’re taken back to that creepy situation and, as you’ve said, shut it down as they’re in a position of authority. 

  • in reply to Iain

    Oh well flirting has always gone right over my head, lol. What all these pop psychologists say about stuff like flirting is often very culture specific anyway, I haven't taken any notice of it since I stopped reading Cosmopolitan magazine years ago.

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  • in reply to Iain

    Oh well flirting has always gone right over my head, lol. What all these pop psychologists say about stuff like flirting is often very culture specific anyway, I haven't taken any notice of it since I stopped reading Cosmopolitan magazine years ago.

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