. i like 'long dark corridors of the soul'. i recently watched a TV show called 'Dark Matter', which had a long dark corridor of its own. it showed the main character alternate realities. my whole life this is something I've always thought about. versions of myself living a life full of connection. then I'm yanked back to being me, someone who looks connected, but no-one else can see that I'm not. i never wanted pity, or sympathy, just to be understood.

Unknown said:

An awareness, that my awareness, was different to the general awareness, of stuff around me

perfectly said. 52 years of lack of real connection has really taken a toll on my mental health. my obsession that keeps me occupied, is trying to keep things perfect, which i know is impossible, but it helps keep my mind off things. life is about experience, but what can you do, when every situation you are in, is something to be overcome and gotten over with? (not enjoyed). i have always done a lot of 'people watching', without really knowing why. you can move around them, but you're not of them.  but where do people like me actually meet in the real world. it is indeed a strange experience. be safe

pupi said:

can someone be weird but normal?

I think the definition of an autist could be exactly this sometimes.

We are weird compated to neurotypical people but normal for most other autists.

the age. I'm also new here. the age becouse I can't explain anymore why I'm so.. strange? (I'm not an english speaker). But I read here - everybody want to chage. I don't want something will change, not in my life. I will be happy that all the others will change. I feel bad not becouse of me, it's always about what I know that people think about me. and, I don't have fear, I'm not sad, ... maybe its not ASD? I read and almost anything its "me". all the major things. can someone be weird but normal?

Frank Zappa's "Finder finder" has some very useful and accurate information about how to handle the small talk part of "dating" albeit delivered in a really cynical way. 

A good thing to focus on is how to make sure that dating is a fun & enjoyable experience. You know what YOU like and enjoy, but a "winning" DATE requires that the other person also be in an environment and doing what THEY like and enjoy.

To accomplish that requires "intelligence gathering" hence the "small talk" or emails part of the modern dating experience.

Your ultimate aim at this point SHOULD be to simply have a nice time with someone new, and NOT (no matter how much society aided by yrou biolgy focusses your attention on such things) to be in a process that leads to making the beast with two backs.

And It doesn't hurt that making your date really enjoy themselves, (and ideally YOU), improves the odds of that sometimes wonderful human experince happening, by a statistically signifacnt percent. 

Who said "romance is dead"? ;c)

Iain said:

In essence maybe Data is actually a good comparison, but it is just many neurotypicals who won't understand the nuance of the reference.

That’s exactly what I mean. Many know the “robo-character” Mr Data, but only people who actually watched his era know, what he actually embodies.

I always pretended I was invisible in every school I was at. Two years ago, an ex-colleague convinced me to go on a dating website. This filled me with terror. As someone who has never been in a relationship, it was quite overwhelming. The back and forth messaging was hard for me, always analysing if what I wrote was ok. Then I saw a woman's bio', and it all rhymed. I decided I would message future women in amusing verse.......Still no luck (ho, ho)

Hi Violetfred   Like others here have posted: getting a diagnosis... Equally as others have posted spending time before and after it working out the bits that I didn't know that I didn't know about myself.  I concur with the issues of problems found in an increasingly complex world with a brain that spends a lot of time making things apparently more complex than is necessary for neurotypical society to consider.  You are not alone :-)

The waiting lists are awful, I was on the NHS list for three years with no end in sight. I ended up going down the "right to choose" route which for me resulted in a assessment and outcome in a matter of a few months. Yes It is a label and you are still the person you were before it's application. This label also brings a degree of closure and reference, it also gives you the option of further exploration. (It did for me).

I almost envy your bravery, gyms etc fill me with a sense of dread as I prefer to be invisible if at all possible.

Hello hergè. The computer analogy is great. I am starting to try and push myself into situations where I meet people. Parkruns, the gym, going into a crowded pub on my own, going on a dating site or ACTUALLY going to a party i am invited to. All situations that fill me with dread. Small victories, but in doing these things, it re-emphasises that I feel like an outsider in the game of life. 

A colleague asked me if getting an official diagnosis really mattered. 'It's only a label', she said. To me, it would give me a reference to reframe my life so far.

Thanks for your kind words, and be safe.

Hi and welcome .

I'm 53 and received my diagnosis about a week ago after a lifetime of depression, anxiety and a general feeling of not quite fitting in. I don't have a sense of belonging and that basic human connection is either muted or missing entirely. It can be incredibly isolating.

During my assessment the assessor asked/wondered why I hadn't been picked up earlier. It's not something I can answer as I don't have a comparison of how I should feel or react, am I so different from the norm?

An analogy I've used in the past is that my Apple software is running via an emulator on a windows machine, it kind of works but can be a bit glitchy. I just try to figure it out as I go.

You are definitely not alone.

Emmalephant said:

I just don’t like people thinking something like “they don’t have feeling, they don’t have any empathy” or something like that

In Star Trek, was it the case that Data didn't have feelings or empathy though?

I though it was more a case of he was developing these and his connection to them was being explored with the help of others - very much like the autists who have issues in connecting with their emotions and/or empathy.

I recall my theraist explaing to me that autists were often more empathetic than neurotypicals although we often didn't understand it ourselves.

Maybe if more of us had a bigger group of friends we would find it easier to find the input to explore and understand this.

In essence maybe Data is actually a good comparison, but it is just many neurotypicals who won't understand the nuance of the reference.

I just don’t like people thinking something like “they don’t have feeling, they don’t have any empathy” or something like that. That’s just not true for many. But for anyone that does know the character Data a bit better it could still be a fitting analogy since he is nothing like that.

A parallel paradigm

I had no Autism suspicions whatsover, I just couldn't understand why my life was the way it was until a friend suggested I take an Aspergers test... 

My life changed form "I-Robot" to "I-Sperg" in about 25 minutes...

Later, I got an offcial diagnosis and an autism card but neither came with a cash stipend which is what I really could use...

Emmalephant said:

I would bring up Data, but I feel like that would feed stereotypes of autistic people being “robotic”

Is it a stereotype if that has been your experience of many other autists though?

I meet with quite a lot of neurodivergent people through volunteering and there is a pronounced increase in this behaviour compared to neurotypicals so it is my experience based on a sample of maybe 60-70 autists.

Hi and welcome to the community! I found out first about autism accidentally. The description of it seemed a perfect description of my personality and my life. I always feel inferior to others, not fully grown up for taking almost everything literally and seriously, not having any strong opinion about many things and other reasons. I was abused and bullied many many times. 
You are not rambling, it’s space for everyone for sharing our experience. I hope you find here support and connections. 

What confirmed your own autism suspicions?

An awareness, that my awareness, was different to the general awareness, of stuff around me.  You speak of space suits.....whereas I spoke of the "long dark corridors of the soul" = the same, but different.  If that isn't autism, I don't know what is.  It is weird being like us, isn't it!

How beautifully put. I know ALL people, to some extent, project an image of how they'd like to be seen by others. Speaking for myself, I can only say that it goes beyond that. I've observed family members and colleagues over the years and mimicked aspects of their characters that I thought could build up a personna. The only trouble is, after 40 years of doing this, you start to be confused with who you actually are!

I am a 52 year old man, yet I still feel the sense of awe in things that I did as a child. Emotions have always been rather confusing and I have always shied away from them. People just assume you're being a standoffish Brit and that it comes with the territory (ha ha). Despite this, I have never had a problem with empathy.

Like you, I long to live in a world where people are empathetic and non-judgemental. Where you are accepted for who and what you are. A world where everybody is treated equally and fairly and you're not mocked for your beliefs.

It's comforting to know that people like you...like us, are out there. I think I should have joined this community a long time ago; but better late than never, as they say. Good luck on your journey of self-discovery

Bountiful Greetings Violetfred! I am so glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your experience and you are not rambling at all.

For me, I didn't start looking into neurodiversity until around September of this year. Life was just hard. All my coping skills that I used didn't work anymore, no matter how much I tried to "overcome it", nothing worked. Then I figured it was burn out since I was doing so much and yet that didn't seem true either because the exhaustion and sensory overloads amplified. My ability to connect with people became more harder and I begin feeling like I was in a bubble observing others. I also realized that it takes me awhile to process information, conversations, or situations. Also noticing that understanding how I feel didn't have words but would come out with movements or sounds or the need to release this energy that was surging through my body. After much self-reflection I also realized that my burn outs had a patterning especially when it came to jobs and life circumstances. The whole "keeping it together" didn't work and I was beginning to have meltdowns in front of people or shutdowns and I couldn't understand why. I started researching about mental health beyond just depression, trauma, anxiety and burn out. I came across YT videos about what it means to be neurodivergent and as I kept seeing videos about ADHD and Autism, I feel it a deep resonates within my soul. I started binge watching all the videos, reading as many materials and books as possible. I did the online assessments from the website EmbraceAutism.com and that furthered affirmed my suspicions with the scores. I am on this journey of unpacking, unbecoming, and truly getting settled with who I am beyond the mask I created for so long from years of survival and trauma. And I am learning how to be patient because this will take time to discover, to develop new healthy support systems in this "vulnerable state of being". As far as a diagnosis, I've chose to be self-diagnosed for a while, until recently my therapist mentioned I might be autistic but as she put it "I wouldn't be very much." Not very validating, however, as I read people's stories, the psychology world has a lot of catching up and educating to do. I am currently reading "The Autistic Survival Guide for Therapy" by Steph Jones, and her book is continually helping. 

I am practicing how to "accept and embrace" being autistic because saying it out loud feels too real and not sure how to sit with that uncomfortable feeling yet. Being a woman of color in the U.S. and claiming to be autistic opens a huge can of things that I am not sure I am ready to navigate yet. I am just learning how to accept ME for the very first time in my life without the lingering phrase, "What's wrong with you?". 

I affirm Nothing is wrong with me; I am who I am in this world period. I am so grateful for every person in this community, even though I may not know you, I feel like I finally can connect with others.

I really like your analogy of the Savannah elephant, I think that was a very powerful and articulate way to explain it