I was diagnosed with autism early on this year. I currently have a partner who's understands am not the chatty type. She always tries to initiate a conversation with me. But am scared she might leave me at some point.
My previous gf broke up with me for this exact reason.
How do you my fellow autistics get along with their partners?
Our lives have led a very similar path, my wife and I get along much better now. We have been together for about 35 years.
The not knowing why was much worse. I’m not so exhausted as I’m not masking all the time. I don’t always attend social events, if I do my wife will step in and steer a situation if she sees I’m struggling. Before I would get pushed into situations I wasn’t coping with, then normally end up drinking my body weight in beer so I seemed normal to everyone else.
There are still parts of my struggles that I don’t go into with her, I sense a “your making it all about you.”
I've been with my wife for 32 years. My autism diagnosis came just before Christmas. I am who I am and she knows I prefer her to take the lead in social activities. I can push myself into appearing as a social butterfly but it has a toll.
She is quite happy in her own space and we operate independently to some extent.
We met at a pub quiz back in my drinking days and we went from there. I'm still fond of a fact but I'm trying cut down on the drinking bit.
We do talk but it tends to be surface stuff (day to day) and it's difficult to push further. (From both fronts) She's of the opinion that "everyone is a little autistic" and in her case she probably is but I'm not willing to kick that ants nest.
My wife is the one person in the world I can talk about anything to, even more than my own parents and siblings. I talk to her as if there is no-one else in the world I'd rather be with, which is extremely unusual since with every other person I meet I'm very guarded. When I feel lonely, I know I've always got her.
My wife gets to see the real me because I feel so comfortable with her - that does include the bad side of me as well as the good though. Now we both know who I really am, I think that recently that has helped her understand parts of me that didn't make sense before. I've also spent many years supporting her with a different set of issues (some very significant), so remember that your partner is also a person who has good/bad days or different aspects to themselves too, not just you.
Captain Grover put it best I think - for a committed, long term relationship there is give and take from both sides. If you feel scared of rejection, try telling her that, honesty is good and you might be surprised in how it alleviates some issues that maybe weren't there to begin with. Although I'm not a great talker too, I try to make sure I take an active interest in my wife, like asking how her day was after work - it might not be very interesting in itself, but shows I am thinking/caring about her. Maybe something like that to consider.
I was lucky. I met my wife online. We are both writers and met in an online writers group many years ago. At that time I didn't know I was autistic and didn't even really know the extent of my masking. We've had our issues over the years and many of them because I'm the way I am. Many times she just thought I was being a ***, but it turns out I was simply being autistic. The diagnosis has changed everything. So I think being honest about who you are can only benefit you in the long run.
It's not easy to meet people, let alone partners, even for neurotypical people. I wish I had the magic formula for you, but there isn't one, I'm afraid. Just be you and you will eventually meet the 'them' for you.
It may be hard to hear but you need a partner who is willing to accept you for who you are. Otherwise the relationship will not succeed. Your partner understands you are not the chatty type
I just don’t understand how you guys even managed to meet a partner and build a relationship with them, given these issues.
I was diagnosed last year and have been married for 8 years. My wife actually found it something of a relief just to know why I am the way I am, and we are working through it day-by-day. She wants to understand it and she wants to give me the space to find myself again and structure my life so I can be my autistic self and still be present as a partner. We are working to find the middle ground and I'm willing to temper the worst of my autism where I can.
It may be hard to hear but you need a partner who is willing to accept you for who you are. Otherwise the relationship will not succeed. Your partner understands you are not the chatty type and that is good, but maybe work to extend yourself from time to time. I know it is not easy but if you have someone who is willing to understand who you are then I think it is a gift to them to meet them halfway where you can. Autism is not a deal-breaker to the right partner. Conversely, autism should not be something we become unwilling to challenge where possible for the sake of our partners.
You put it better than me - I too have been imagining it all my life without converting it into reality. I suppose I meant I can’t believe it will ever happen for me.
I got married last year. I've not been diagnosed as an adult, but I did have plenty of attention from various psychologists and shrinks as a child, starting with regression and losing grammatically correct speech at 18 months.
So far nothing much has changed, but due to living in different countries, something had to be done to navigate the massive spanner in the works presented by Brexit. I'll never understand why that was popular enough to bend the scales, as I had a nightmare time dealing with Immigration before the country I have settled in joined the EU.
I do feel a fair amount of trepidation over what it will be like to share my home once he is able to join me permanently. For example in the Autumn I was trying to work on a photoshop project and coming up against difficulties, and he said he got very stressed because of the way I got angry when my lack of knowledge meant things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to.
I suppose I'll either look for a bigger place that offers a little more privacy, or I'll get a small extra place either he or I can retreat to if necessary.
I get along fine with my partner, we've been together for decades and have learned how to compromise with each other and what our individual needs are.
It takes time in any relationship to learn about each other. Communication and compromise are key.
Tell her about your concerns, and what happened with your previous relationship. If there are times of the day or certain situations when you find it more difficult to talk, tell her what those are so she doesn't try to initiate conversation when you cannot join in. You could arrange to set some time each day when you are relaxed and then try to initiate a conversation with her - you don't say whether you live together, so If you don't see her every day then send a quick email or text, so she knows you are thinking of her.
Do you have common interests? If so, try talking about those. If not, you could try to find a hobby that interests you both and do it together, so that you have that to talk about.
Autistic people can make great partners - we tend to be loyal, honest, and care a lot about our partner's happiness, as you have shown by posting this here. I wish you luck with your relationship.
I've been imaging having a partner for most of my adult life, but can't seem to be able to find one 
I often get told that I either talk to much or not enough, the former when I'm talking about somethng that interests me and not him and the latter when I don't get a chance to say more than yes, umm, no and maybe when he's off on one as he usually is.
Your partner has chosen to be with you and you're getting married right? Why do all the what ifs? If you really need to do what ifs then go for really crazy ones, like what if the sky fell on our heads? Being ridiculous is often the best way of dealing with what ifs.
I often hear from my husband, that there is something wrong with me, because I don’t talk much. I’m happy with the wedding we had because it was during the lockdown so there were no guests allowed and no restaurant, I just baked a cake, cooked tasty dinner and we had a coffee and walk. At that time I had no idea I might be autistic, but I remember some people whom I described how it was, their reaction was: I’m soooo sorry you had such a wedding! And I was amazed, why you’re sorry? It was wonderful!
i explain my husband my needs and the fact that I need more breaks from socialising. It’s hard, but I would say in my case, the word autism does not mean or help anything in this situation. I just need to communicate my needs clearly with my own words. It’s not easy because first I have to do my analysis to understand what I actually need but it works somehow.
Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community!
You and your partner might find this book helpful. It specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication - complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish. I found it an excellent read:
Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner
(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).
Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the identity of the autistic party. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But I felt the benefits from the book were still well worth the effort.
The NAS also has some related advice here:
NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people
You could also consider couples counselling, ideally with a neurodivergent-experienced counsellor. (Relationships don't need to be at breaking point for counselling to be helpful).
I've been with my partner for over 20 years and married for 16 years.
I'm very lucky. I'm as c r a p as every other person here on the phone and at conversation, but I do things that make her feel loved and valued.
For example, I make her tea every morning. If she goes out and it's cold I make a hot water bottle for her side of the bed for when she gets in. I think things like this show that you care.
Autistic and married to a neurotypical woman for 27 years. I just use the phrase, "Yes dear" a lot. I had problems before we were married, when we lived a couple of hundred miles apart, as I am considerably worse at conversations on the 'phone than face-to-face. Once you become very familiar with someone, I found that difficulty in holding conversations become much less, as there is no anxiety involved. We both worked as research biologists, so had interests in common, which also helped.
I can’t even imagine having a partner and it baffles me how other autistic people manage to find someone. You’re obviously doing something right. Try to enjoy it, appreciate how lucky you are and stop focussing on your fears.
