I’m careful when giving advice here, because I don’t know people here personally. My experience is very similar to yours, but I’m female. Truth is that probably most of women are looking for Antonio Banderas - rich, super handsome etc, but I’m sure not all are like this. I’m not and never was like this. For me the most important thing is and always was deeper emotional connection, so maybe, if possible, you can also try to find someone like this. About self esteem, it’s something to work on, but will not advise you how etc, maybe you have trauma that you need to process and need a therapy.
Well, my confidence and self-esteem was severely damaged by this long dry spell, seeing no signs of interest from women and having grown up struggling to fit in and being one of the easiest kids to pick on and make fun of. However, I've been told on here that I might be giving off a negative vibe with the self-pitying, and I've been advised to play down my weirdness when first meeting potential dates, so now I'm trying to take that advice on board
There is a 3rd option, fake it. If they come for something shallow maybe they will stay for the personality. There is for instance no harm in giving the impresion you have a lot mone money than you have so long as you don't outright lie (or bankrupt yourself). No harm on using a bit of makeup to hide your crows feet or a suport gerdal to hold in your waist. Spray on hair if it's thining. etc
I’m very sorry you are having hard time. I don’t know you personally, but I think maybe there are some things that you can change or just accept if you are unhappy with.
I had a colleague in McDonald’s (my previous job) I recall he mentioned having the Asperger diagnosis. We had fun during breaks with word game - translating words to our favorite languages - his Japanese and mine Russian. I remember I wanted to ask him for date but I was too shy and thought he wasn’t interested in me. I don’t know what would have happened if… I also remember another colleague from the college, idk if he was on the spectrum or not, he didn’t say but he behaved that I would say probably yes. And he would always approach me to ask questions about things that we talked about during classes (maybe sensory processing disorder) he had issues with spoken instructions. So I helped him as much as I could. After graduation I suddenly started thinking about him that maybe it was also his way of showing his interest. And I felt a regret that we didn’t get to know each other closer. Other girls laughed that he was a geek but to me he was attractive.
i think it’s very individual matter, but I would say being on the spectrum does not mean, you are unattractive, or maybe you didn’t meet yet the person who you are attractive to or you met them but you don’t know, that they like you. Once @Uhane said befriend yourself. Maybe it’s not easy, but the aura you have means a lot.
Your negativity is possibly a major problem. You may be putting women off by giving off a very negative impression. People in general do not like interacting with someone who has a depressive or alienating effect on them.
What did I do to deserve this?
I'm not sure what you mean as this can read 2 ways - one is "why pick on me" and the other is "thanks for the advice".
If you want an answer then let me know but I'll leave you in peace otherwise.
I would recommend getting a trained therapist with experience of dealing with autistic clients. It isn't cheap (starting at about £50/hr) but the benefits were so worth it for me.
In some way the fact you have to pay for it makes you take it more seriously and work harder at it so the results are better.
It's been 20 years since I left school, but this is still very much with me
Have you tried therapy? As in a psychologist?
I found it a game changer for me as it helped process a lot of the childhool traumas (kidnapping and public beatings) that I had never really dealt with.
A therapist well versed in autism is also a great way to find techniques to deal with issues that you struggle with. Perhaps they could help you with preparing for dating more effectively, to improve whatever skills you need for this and teach you techniques to manage anxiety etc.
Well, I've always known I was different from everyone else, and no matter how hard I tried to fit in at school, I just couldn't do it. I was the easiest in my group of friends to pick on and make fun of, and they even said so. But unfortunately, unlike you, I didn't have the looks to compensate for it.
It's been 20 years since I left school, but this is still very much with me
What sort of challenges did you have to face when you were growing up, at school, trying to fit in etc?
I would say the things that you were not supposed to say in coversations, took things too literally, didn't understand the rules of social interactions so would often get picked on and was generally too loud.
In secondary school I was lucky that I wasn't bad looking so one of the girls who had a highish social standing took me on as a bit of a "project" to make me presentable as her arm candy and she was direct enough in her instructions that I learne both the rules of acceptable behaviour and a range of useful bedroom skills that I hadn't anticipated.
It was only after I left to go to Uni that we split up but I always appreciated the skills she taught me, especially when to say nothing and to use headology on the person you were talking to.
Later in life I followed this impetus and learned more about social rules and psychology and have been able to pass unseen amongst neurotypicals all my adult life.
Now I have the diagnosis I know why I have been this way and took steps to get out the rat race (retired at 54 as an IT manager and now run my own property business in my spare time).
How about you, what were your trouble spots in school?
How old were you when you were diagnosed?
54
if you say so
I'm just another autist sharing my experiences, not an oracle.
Do what you choose but I hope it gave some ideas.
As an aside, I have heard from many females in the past that self pity is a deeply unattractive quality so I would suggest you speak to a therapist and work on this.
