say I do manage to attract a woman by masking, will I have to keep that up throughout the rest of the relationship
No - you are only masking to get a chance to "show your worth" to the other person through the other conversations you can have.
The "no weirdos" defence is our biggest challenge in getting to talk to the prospective dates so think of it more as deferring showing your true self until you are confident it will be received well. If they seem like they will freak out then it gives you time to back out with grace and keep any reputation intact.
Well, you've said it, I learnt that the hard way. But say I do manage to attract a woman by masking, will I have to keep that up throughout the rest of the relationship, especially if it gets to the point of us moving in together?
So that saying "be yourself" isn't helpful in all cases
If you are trying to socialise with a neurotypical then being yourself is often a bad move until they get to "know" you a bit better - they get freaked out by our authentic selves as we bare a striking resemblance to the sort of weirdos they were were warned about by their parents.
Masking greatly helps the initial interaction and gives you a chance to "sell yourself" better to a prospective date.
You really need to have some aspects that are interesting to them to make this work however and if you only live in a world with your special interests then you are not going to get far.
Have you ever tried to be someone you're not??
I used to live like that - it is called masking.
And yes, I'm autistic - in my late 50s so had a lot of experience with it.
I'm speaking from experience - I've not been without a partner since I was 19 and this involved a lot of me acting how I was expected to act, not how I felt and that cost me a lot through the years.
If you have the basics such as good hygiene, dress in a way that doesn't stand out too much from your peers and can have an intelligent conversation about things that are not just in your special interest area then it is all about finding someone with shared interests.
I took a job that got me out and around the staff in whatever company I worked for and this brought me into contact with ladies who found my confidence in my skills appealing (masking at play here) and who enjoyed my sense of humour.
I was a biker at the time and I guess riding a big motorbike and wearing leathers had a certain appeal to some.
In the long run it is about breaking the ice and making the connection that gets things to the point where you can be more authentic. This needs you to use those acting skills and to learn stuff that is likely to bring you in contact with the people you are looking for.
Maybe take a cookery course, learn to sew in a class or learn a language where you come in contact with others.
Another very important thing is knowing what not to talk about - you will have had interactions where this has been pointed out to you in the past - learn from these interactions and keep that stuff to yourself.
It isn't a huge price to pay for the rewards it brings in my eyes, but that is only my perspective.
how would you feel after a nine-year long dry spell, and bring too much of a weirdo *** to do anything about it?
You say you bring too much weirdo *** to do anything about it. You realise you are making a choice to do this - you can mask should you choose or find ways to change your behaviour.
These are all skills you should have learned as part of your acting side hussle.
We all have the ability to change our behaviour - if we didn't then criminals would never get out of jail for example. You choose not to change and while it is a valid choice, it is the reason you are where you are in the dating scene.
My recommendation would be to work on this if you want to get a date - look beyond your own world for interests to share with others, find what behaviours are seen as unappealing and consider if you want to change.
Ultimately if you want to remain your current authentic self then there is no point going on about being undatable - this is through choice. You can be more datable if it is important enough to you.
Well, I wish I found it as easy to accept as you. What makes it especially hard is coming across great women you know you obviously don't qualify for
I think I can relate to how you're feeling, because I've been there myself. When I was younger and ventured out more, I felt invisible when it came to attracting attention from the opposite sex, and yet my female friends never seemed to have any difficulty attracting great men.
During my adult life, I have spent more time out of a relationship than in one, so I know only too well what it's like to have lengthy dry spells, and to also feel lonely. My last relationship was over 10 years ago, which I ended because it just wasn't a good relationship for me and made me desperately unhappy.
Since then, I've not been actively looking, mainly because it seems like more hassle than it's worth. I've more-or-less accepted now that if I spend what is left of my life being single in every sense of the word, then so be it.
I do focus on my hobbies and interests, I need them to function.
I know what you're saying, but as I say, how would you feel after a nine-year long dry spell, seeing other guys with great women, but they're not showing any interest in you? The self-hatred I'm battling on a daily basis as a result is incredibly hard work in itself
This is the NAS forum, what makes you think you are more of a weirdo than anyone else here? You need to figure out who you are and what you want, then if you find someone else to share that with, great, if you don't, then you don't.
Some of us are into double figures.
The best advice I can give you is to try not to become fixated on it. Instead, focus on other things that make you happy (hobbies and interests), and if you happen to meet someone in the process, then consider it a bonus.
Being in a relationship with someone really isn't the be-all and end-all. Even if you end up in a relationship with someone you could imagine wanting to spend the rest of your life with, it can be incredibly hard work and require a lot of compromise. This is regardless of whether one is autistic or neurotypical.
