Will I ever feel human?

This sounds familiar to me. I think we need a balance of time alone and time with others. For me that's about 80/20 alone/social . Sometimes I find it very hard to be "social" as it takes a lot of energy to "fit in". Other times it's easier and just flows. This can happen around the same people, so I think it's me that's different each time. It seems to depend on my battery being low.

Personally I'm quite hypersensitive emotionally and physically, so places and people can all be quite tough at time, if the battery is low then it's all much harder. I've learnt to gauge when I feel upto being sociable, sometimes things like work or social events others have arranged (wife for example) means I have to do them regardless and can find it challenging.

Some people are just too much hard work, I have to bend so much to fit in it's exhausting and I find most often I get offended by their particular brand of banter etc. I assume most people feel that way to some extent, it's just harder for me to "endure" when it's not enjoyable , I've also got all the other factors like noise and busyness triggering my senses so it's a little harder, where others seem to be able to cope without it burning them out.

Then there's the constant nagging thoughts, questioning and second guesses if I said something wrong or upset anyone etc that goes on for ages after and becomes draining too.

When I'm alone it's easy, just myself to worry about, I can totally relax without worrying what other think.

If we can find a balance, find the right people, we can enjoy it. 

Hi BeccaLovesBreakfast I seriously could not have worded this better myself. Being human sometimes means to simply take yourself out of mundane society and just reconnect with nature which I love.

Oh this did show up eventually. I can't remember what I wanted to say in response to the OP now though

A lot of autistic people I've met feel "alien" and things like that. 

 The more you're around people that relate to you, the easier it is. 

Yeah but I don't know you. Which is why I prefaced that I can only speak on what I've seen. Good on you for putting in the effort, though.

I'm an autistic human, a bit different to an NT human, but human none the less, I don't connect to other humans very well either, but I refuse to let them take my humanity away because of it.

I’m not sure what you’re talking about in regards to not wanting to be “a driving force of any endeavors”. I feel like that’s a very rude assumption. I am constantly trying as hard as I can to challenge myself and change and out myself out there to the point of driving myself into the ground and constantly overwhelming myself. I’m doing the best I can and I wish someone would just recognize that. 

Humanity is a matter of philosophy, and open to interpretation. It's a common joke online to call anyone who does a common thing in an odd way a psychopath, for instance. ("I like to eat my pizza crust first." "You're a psychopath.").

That being said, I do get what you mean about feeling fundamentally disconnected from the average human experience. I'm in the process of trying to figure out a lot of that stuff myself. For me, my health and lifestyle needs to change before I can really try to engage with the other aspects of life.

I don't know how relatable this is going to be for others here, but it feels to me like a lot of us can talk about how things could be in an ideal sense, but none of us want to be the driving force of any endeavours. We'd rather watch someone else try and, if it gains traction, maybe consider hitching on then.

Testing

Words are cheap: people use these phrases without thinking or inquiring further. Erich Fromm wrote a few easy to understand books on the human condition - The Art of Loving and The Revolution of Hope. A read through these can help identify the difference between self-growth and selfishness. 

No human can thrive in isolation, which is the word you need to use when speaking with others about feeling "lonely". In NT-speak, loneliness apparently means an inactive participation in becoming the self and expecting others to be responsible for me. Being isolated and misrepresented, now that's pure terror for anyone.

If you weren't human, this wouldn't have the impact that it does. It is very much human to have these desires to connect with, relate with and feel seen by another.

Ok, I'm really sorry it upset you. I was just saying what helped me. I wasn't meaning that you should be happy with a life of complete isolation. That wasn't my intention at all. I have depression and yeah, I hate when people say you should think yourself happy, and have to love yourself first. I was just trying to explain something that maybe isn't best explained over text.

I'm really sorry. I will delete my comment if you want.

I hope you get what you want.

Honestly, I’m quite sick of being told I need to be “happy in [myself] first”. I’ve tried to be. I enjoy being alone, I know how to enjoy being by myself but being by myself 24/7 gets maddening after a while. Humans are social creatures and I’m sick and tired of being told I should just be okay with a life in complete isolation. That isn’t normal and I refuse to be convinced it is. 

Our card for being human is not necessarily given for how we interact with other beings, but how we interact with the world. Do you like feeling the sun on your face? Do you like taking breaths of fresh air in a field or forest? Do the clouds fascinate you? Does lighting the spark of a fire and watching it grow give you a sense of wonder? When you see how the trees and their branches in a wood intersect with one another without encroaching on each other does it make you feel satisfied?

These are just my things, but I'm sure you will have your own. 

Other people can make some parts of life enjoyable, but if you are happy in yourself first it makes it easier. 

My previous answer got flagged because I edited it few times. So short summary: I feel sorry that you feel this way and I totally understand this feeling. I also experience it. This site is the only place I feel human. With a delay I realized that I actually had some interactions with other autistic and neurodivergent people. If it’s possible for you, maybe try to make some connections with other autistic or generally ND people. Success not guaranteed because we are all different, but there is higher chance you will find someone who you can connect with. 
i hate being told that I’m sad or angry when I’m not at all, I’m just focused on something. Or at work as a customer service, that I have to modulate my voice and control mimic, I got weird looks when I answered that I can’t. these are some of the reasons why I can’t connect with others (mostly neurotypicals). For me this site is the place I feel like human and I found some connections here. 

I’m also not diagnosed, not even on any waitlist. I’m sorry I know this feeling I also experience it. I tell myself I’m here, I belong here in this forum, outside I also feel like an alien or error, just not belonging. What makes me mad and sad is when I get questions why I’m so sad or angry when everything is fine and I don’t actually have any emotions at the moment. Just sunken in my thoughts or hyper focused on something or analysing what someone is telling me. This is one of the reasons why I withdraw socially. When I worked in retail and customer service (awful experience for me) I was told many times, that I have to work on my gestures mimic and voice. I was angry that it’s unfair it’s only me hearing this and I told my manager I’m unable to control how I smile or modulate my voice when I’m concentrating on the customers issue to resolve. They always looked at me somehow weird maybe thinking that I’m just lazy or not willing to improve. 
I feel for me it’s better to be myself here online than wearing extremely uncomfortable mask out there. Some time ago I wrote it and I can repeat it: after whole life of feeling like an alien, I finally feel like human because I see how much I relate to others here. 
i always felt awful when I had an interesting deep conversation with someone which I enjoyed and I thought the other person did soo, but then it turned out when someone else appeared, the person who I talked with abandoned me immediately and went to chat with them. And then they both (it more) just ignored me totally. If possible for you, maybe try to find some connections with other autistic/ neurodivergent people. I usually find them more interesting and similar to me, I had some colleagues at work.