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Will I ever feel human?

saccharinedreams

I feel so disconnected from humanity. I feel like I can’t experience being human the way everyone else can. Like there’s some vital, innate faculty that all humans have except me, thus disqualifying me from the classification of human. 

i have yet to be diagnosed and I’m on a waitlist. But I worry that even a diagnosis won’t provide me any real sense of belonging. I feel like an error. It’s so overwhelmingly isolating.

I hung out with someone today that I really wanted to be friends (or even more) with, and I still left feeling empty and disconnected. Sometimes I feel like there something so uniquely wrong with me that there’s not even a diagnosis. My disorder is just being me.

i think I’m rambling now. I have no clue if any of this made any sense. Sorry. 

Parents

  • I’m also not diagnosed, not even on any waitlist. I’m sorry I know this feeling I also experience it. I tell myself I’m here, I belong here in this forum, outside I also feel like an alien or error, just not belonging. What makes me mad and sad is when I get questions why I’m so sad or angry when everything is fine and I don’t actually have any emotions at the moment. Just sunken in my thoughts or hyper focused on something or analysing what someone is telling me. This is one of the reasons why I withdraw socially. When I worked in retail and customer service (awful experience for me) I was told many times, that I have to work on my gestures mimic and voice. I was angry that it’s unfair it’s only me hearing this and I told my manager I’m unable to control how I smile or modulate my voice when I’m concentrating on the customers issue to resolve. They always looked at me somehow weird maybe thinking that I’m just lazy or not willing to improve. 
    I feel for me it’s better to be myself here online than wearing extremely uncomfortable mask out there. Some time ago I wrote it and I can repeat it: after whole life of feeling like an alien, I finally feel like human because I see how much I relate to others here. 
    i always felt awful when I had an interesting deep conversation with someone which I enjoyed and I thought the other person did soo, but then it turned out when someone else appeared, the person who I talked with abandoned me immediately and went to chat with them. And then they both (it more) just ignored me totally. If possible for you, maybe try to find some connections with other autistic/ neurodivergent people. I usually find them more interesting and similar to me, I had some colleagues at work. 

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  • I’m also not diagnosed, not even on any waitlist. I’m sorry I know this feeling I also experience it. I tell myself I’m here, I belong here in this forum, outside I also feel like an alien or error, just not belonging. What makes me mad and sad is when I get questions why I’m so sad or angry when everything is fine and I don’t actually have any emotions at the moment. Just sunken in my thoughts or hyper focused on something or analysing what someone is telling me. This is one of the reasons why I withdraw socially. When I worked in retail and customer service (awful experience for me) I was told many times, that I have to work on my gestures mimic and voice. I was angry that it’s unfair it’s only me hearing this and I told my manager I’m unable to control how I smile or modulate my voice when I’m concentrating on the customers issue to resolve. They always looked at me somehow weird maybe thinking that I’m just lazy or not willing to improve. 
    I feel for me it’s better to be myself here online than wearing extremely uncomfortable mask out there. Some time ago I wrote it and I can repeat it: after whole life of feeling like an alien, I finally feel like human because I see how much I relate to others here. 
    i always felt awful when I had an interesting deep conversation with someone which I enjoyed and I thought the other person did soo, but then it turned out when someone else appeared, the person who I talked with abandoned me immediately and went to chat with them. And then they both (it more) just ignored me totally. If possible for you, maybe try to find some connections with other autistic/ neurodivergent people. I usually find them more interesting and similar to me, I had some colleagues at work. 

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