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Will I ever feel human?

saccharinedreams

I feel so disconnected from humanity. I feel like I can’t experience being human the way everyone else can. Like there’s some vital, innate faculty that all humans have except me, thus disqualifying me from the classification of human. 

i have yet to be diagnosed and I’m on a waitlist. But I worry that even a diagnosis won’t provide me any real sense of belonging. I feel like an error. It’s so overwhelmingly isolating.

I hung out with someone today that I really wanted to be friends (or even more) with, and I still left feeling empty and disconnected. Sometimes I feel like there something so uniquely wrong with me that there’s not even a diagnosis. My disorder is just being me.

i think I’m rambling now. I have no clue if any of this made any sense. Sorry. 

Parents

  • Our card for being human is not necessarily given for how we interact with other beings, but how we interact with the world. Do you like feeling the sun on your face? Do you like taking breaths of fresh air in a field or forest? Do the clouds fascinate you? Does lighting the spark of a fire and watching it grow give you a sense of wonder? When you see how the trees and their branches in a wood intersect with one another without encroaching on each other does it make you feel satisfied?

    These are just my things, but I'm sure you will have your own. 

    Other people can make some parts of life enjoyable, but if you are happy in yourself first it makes it easier. 

  • in reply to BeccaLovesBreakfast

    Honestly, I’m quite sick of being told I need to be “happy in [myself] first”. I’ve tried to be. I enjoy being alone, I know how to enjoy being by myself but being by myself 24/7 gets maddening after a while. Humans are social creatures and I’m sick and tired of being told I should just be okay with a life in complete isolation. That isn’t normal and I refuse to be convinced it is. 

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  • in reply to BeccaLovesBreakfast

    Honestly, I’m quite sick of being told I need to be “happy in [myself] first”. I’ve tried to be. I enjoy being alone, I know how to enjoy being by myself but being by myself 24/7 gets maddening after a while. Humans are social creatures and I’m sick and tired of being told I should just be okay with a life in complete isolation. That isn’t normal and I refuse to be convinced it is. 

Children
  • in reply to saccharinedreams

    This sounds familiar to me. I think we need a balance of time alone and time with others. For me that's about 80/20 alone/social . Sometimes I find it very hard to be "social" as it takes a lot of energy to "fit in". Other times it's easier and just flows. This can happen around the same people, so I think it's me that's different each time. It seems to depend on my battery being low.

    Personally I'm quite hypersensitive emotionally and physically, so places and people can all be quite tough at time, if the battery is low then it's all much harder. I've learnt to gauge when I feel upto being sociable, sometimes things like work or social events others have arranged (wife for example) means I have to do them regardless and can find it challenging.

    Some people are just too much hard work, I have to bend so much to fit in it's exhausting and I find most often I get offended by their particular brand of banter etc. I assume most people feel that way to some extent, it's just harder for me to "endure" when it's not enjoyable , I've also got all the other factors like noise and busyness triggering my senses so it's a little harder, where others seem to be able to cope without it burning them out.

    Then there's the constant nagging thoughts, questioning and second guesses if I said something wrong or upset anyone etc that goes on for ages after and becomes draining too.

    When I'm alone it's easy, just myself to worry about, I can totally relax without worrying what other think.

    If we can find a balance, find the right people, we can enjoy it. 

  • in reply to saccharinedreams

    Words are cheap: people use these phrases without thinking or inquiring further. Erich Fromm wrote a few easy to understand books on the human condition - The Art of Loving and The Revolution of Hope. A read through these can help identify the difference between self-growth and selfishness. 

    No human can thrive in isolation, which is the word you need to use when speaking with others about feeling "lonely". In NT-speak, loneliness apparently means an inactive participation in becoming the self and expecting others to be responsible for me. Being isolated and misrepresented, now that's pure terror for anyone.

    If you weren't human, this wouldn't have the impact that it does. It is very much human to have these desires to connect with, relate with and feel seen by another.

  • in reply to saccharinedreams

    Ok, I'm really sorry it upset you. I was just saying what helped me. I wasn't meaning that you should be happy with a life of complete isolation. That wasn't my intention at all. I have depression and yeah, I hate when people say you should think yourself happy, and have to love yourself first. I was just trying to explain something that maybe isn't best explained over text.

    I'm really sorry. I will delete my comment if you want.

    I hope you get what you want.