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Will I ever feel human?

saccharinedreams

I feel so disconnected from humanity. I feel like I can’t experience being human the way everyone else can. Like there’s some vital, innate faculty that all humans have except me, thus disqualifying me from the classification of human. 

i have yet to be diagnosed and I’m on a waitlist. But I worry that even a diagnosis won’t provide me any real sense of belonging. I feel like an error. It’s so overwhelmingly isolating.

I hung out with someone today that I really wanted to be friends (or even more) with, and I still left feeling empty and disconnected. Sometimes I feel like there something so uniquely wrong with me that there’s not even a diagnosis. My disorder is just being me.

i think I’m rambling now. I have no clue if any of this made any sense. Sorry. 

Parents

  • Our card for being human is not necessarily given for how we interact with other beings, but how we interact with the world. Do you like feeling the sun on your face? Do you like taking breaths of fresh air in a field or forest? Do the clouds fascinate you? Does lighting the spark of a fire and watching it grow give you a sense of wonder? When you see how the trees and their branches in a wood intersect with one another without encroaching on each other does it make you feel satisfied?

    These are just my things, but I'm sure you will have your own. 

    Other people can make some parts of life enjoyable, but if you are happy in yourself first it makes it easier. 

  • in reply to BeccaLovesBreakfast

    Honestly, I’m quite sick of being told I need to be “happy in [myself] first”. I’ve tried to be. I enjoy being alone, I know how to enjoy being by myself but being by myself 24/7 gets maddening after a while. Humans are social creatures and I’m sick and tired of being told I should just be okay with a life in complete isolation. That isn’t normal and I refuse to be convinced it is. 

  • in reply to saccharinedreams

    Words are cheap: people use these phrases without thinking or inquiring further. Erich Fromm wrote a few easy to understand books on the human condition - The Art of Loving and The Revolution of Hope. A read through these can help identify the difference between self-growth and selfishness. 

    No human can thrive in isolation, which is the word you need to use when speaking with others about feeling "lonely". In NT-speak, loneliness apparently means an inactive participation in becoming the self and expecting others to be responsible for me. Being isolated and misrepresented, now that's pure terror for anyone.

    If you weren't human, this wouldn't have the impact that it does. It is very much human to have these desires to connect with, relate with and feel seen by another.

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  • in reply to saccharinedreams

    Words are cheap: people use these phrases without thinking or inquiring further. Erich Fromm wrote a few easy to understand books on the human condition - The Art of Loving and The Revolution of Hope. A read through these can help identify the difference between self-growth and selfishness. 

    No human can thrive in isolation, which is the word you need to use when speaking with others about feeling "lonely". In NT-speak, loneliness apparently means an inactive participation in becoming the self and expecting others to be responsible for me. Being isolated and misrepresented, now that's pure terror for anyone.

    If you weren't human, this wouldn't have the impact that it does. It is very much human to have these desires to connect with, relate with and feel seen by another.

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