Successful masking tips?

I watched Love on the Spectrum. Fascinating. Sadly, I couldn't relate to them. It seems for the normy audience, they often choose extreme classes of ASD to showcase in the media. I guess, it makes for more drama? I am on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. I have SOME social skills, but because my other ASD traits are not as pronounced, others just think I am an a**hole. It's a terrible place to be. It kind of reminds me of those children who are much taller than their peers at a very young age, yet their mental development is just like the other 4 year olds and others have higher expectations of them. It's heartbreaking to watch how these babies navigate among strangers. So, this was my experience growing up ASD. Because of my successful attempts at masking as a young person, I could pass. Unfortunately, as we age, these same masking techniques are not seen as appropriate. I need a new bag of tricks!

I think that he does not feel as strongly about this idea as he used to. And a lot of autistics don't agree with it - it's a very NT point of view, rather than trying to see things from our point of view. Are arguments against presented on your course? It sounds interesting.

I read something today in my online course "Understanding Autism" that might resonate with you:

"Bringing earlier ToM ( theory of mind) work together with research on emotion recognition, Baron-Cohen proposed that autistic people may have difficulty with empathising – recognising or understanding other people’s emotions, and reacting appropriately, leading to their difficulties in interacting with other people, making friends, and so on. At the same time, they may be strongly drawn to subject matter governed by systems or rules, leading to an interest in fields like physics, mathematics and technology, and in fact any domain which can be approached in a systematic rule-like way, which Baron-Cohen termed systemising (Baron-Cohen, 2009)."

 However, the systemising as described here is more often the male stereotype of autism - women on the spectrum (and some men) don't always have an interest in numbers, technology or science - they can have special interests that are more "typical" like animals or fashion - but with more intensity than is usual, and they "systemise" by collecting and arranging information or objects relating to their interest.

Brilliant. Thx again

I have an acquaintance who wears a beenie hat that the rim rolls down over his face to form a balaclava if he wants to do something naughty...

I just practised with my colleagues, and reminded myself in my head to stop and ask a question if I felt I was getting carried away. I also had to remind myself that if someone mentioned the weather, it wasn't their special interest, it was just small talk, and so I shouldn't start actually talking about the weather, just say something like "yes, it is cold isn't it?"

No confusion on the term, 'masking'. I just find being myself is not a successful strategy

I DEFINITELY overtalk my special subject (it's statecraft and economics). I have always been perplexed that since these are a part of everyone's daily existence, more people were not as  interested as I. But, in reality it's apparently a very niche subject. Eyes glaze over almost immediately!!! :0(. I know that questions are the key! Thank u for reminding me. How do you prep yourself to engage in this way? Do you have a certain ritual or technique for preparing your mind and mouth?

Thank you for the warm welcome!  I will really try your technique

I will! Thank u so much for that reco!

I will! Thank u so much for that reco!

Thank u for the thoughtful response

Culturally, the US is very different than the UK. The values are quite different, though there is an "Americanisation" of the West through media. I grew up in the States and moved to the UK in my late teens. I still go back on occasion, but it seems to me the response to this forced independence and isolation in the US, is a culture that creates a pretence of over-familiarity: asking strangers how they are doing calling strangers by their first name, crossing personal boundaries in all kinds of ways. If your mother grew up as I did, without knowing she might be Autistic, she might have a deep contempt for this social programming which is a complete facade but difficult to remember Every. Single. Time. 

I believe this socialised behaviour has something to do with the history of the US. The majority from lower economic circumstances, with new opportunities driven by commerce. Children are expected to learn to 'sell' (which I'd felt a silent disgust about as a child and now am quite open about it). There's a human tribal element but in this advanced civilisation where one must feign friendship in order to survive. 

The Autistic will (for the most part) sense percieve internal and external signals with a greater intensity. We don't dull our senses the same and this applies to relational perceptions along with biological perceptions (hearing, smell, etc.). So we can grow up feeling as if the world around is rather invasive. And since we all learn through experience, we tend to experience never being afforded boundaries. Meanwhile, Shakespeare was right: social groups really are just a collective of actors play-pretending a bit of theatre.  Except, it's rarely mentioned to the Autistic. Or, even if it is, given we have a difference in how we communicate, much is lost in translation. I can't read most others, nor catch the seemingly invisible nuances. I didn't even know this was a thing till my 40s. So being told not to talk to strangers when young and then expected to talk to strangers about much too personal things when older was somewhat maddening. 

Moving to the UK has actually afforded a refreshing perspective. In my 30s, I was simply relieved that no one demanded I tell them how I'm feeling every time I walked out the door. I don't have to look at or smile at strangers and can choose to make an effort with just a barista if I wish. I don't understand my feelings and I don't care to share them, so that was a breath of absolute fresh air! 

But as I've grown, the better lessons I've learned about Social Relations have been around creating boundaries, finding my own values and being true to them, affording dignity through not saying a thing, affording kindness and politeness through small efforts, assuming ethics rather than worrying about morals and integrating my deeper self with my words and actions. Yes, it can be exhausting and requires a bit of vigilance. But good friends are worth the effort. The best way forward was thinking about Time and Investment. Saying yes implies no: someone will be excluded for the sake of another, choose who you invest with wisely. 

The non-Autistic population tends to have this ability to desensitise, and to some degree, when older, possibly re-engage their ignored senses (often occurring with a mid-life crisis). What this means is that there is always a great deal of space and distance between 2 people. Signals of "familiarity" don't feel invasive. 

Don't worry about acquiring a Mask, you can't. The Jungian concept doesn't apply to us as it's an intuitive psychological concept - worth reading up on if interested. I find it's misused in Autistic circles. When it's to do with how non-Autistics are socialised.

If you must, cultivate an aesthetic self you enjoy and others enjoy. Learn small acts of selflessness, but also that the Typical individual exists in a space where they are driven by guilt and debt, so do not cause them to feel further indebted. There are plenty of books on creating healthy boundaries for relationships. And I would recommend Simon Griffin's "F^ck*ng Good Manners". 

Besides masking (or there may be some confusion around the term?) try the following:

If you are like me, i need to be conscious of how much I talk, when I talk, and to allow space for the other to jump in with equal time. Listening is next and recording (in my mind) what's said for later exchanges, like, remembering that a person likes "Survivor". Then you can ask about that and lhey will talk and you can just listen.This took years for me to understand - perhaps it will much less for you. You can learn to see and enjoy the happiness the person expresses for the thing that they like.

Watch "Love on the Spectrum." It is very inspiring and full of great tips for socializing.

Hi Danny and welcome.

For me, masking wasn't really much help. I did better with friendships after I learned to be myself more, perhaps because I started to appear more genuine. I do have a sense of humour, but I don't use it all the time, just if it's relevant to the current situation or discussion. Perhaps you have been trying too hard to be liked? I think that's common for those of us on the spectrum, so it's nothing to feel bad about. I also used to talk at length about a special interest until people's eyes glazed over, now I listen more and ask them questions to see if we have common interests that can be discussed at length.

Thx Mark. I do tend to try smiling. I may OVER do it. I am a bit over the top with the enthusiasm. That's what causes people to feel uncomfortable, I think? I am not trying to be that way to overcompensate, it's just my ASD coming out. 

Hi Neill. Thx for the response. It's weird, because the coffee thing is totally something I would do. As far as masking being a female thing, I've never heard that. Interesting. I don't tend to lead with my ASD, only because I think it freaks average people out. Do you think that is flawed thinking? I'm just afraid they may think I am playing the sympathy card. 

Danny, I guess it depends on what we mean by masking? I see masking essentially as 'unseen effort', more typical of girls and women but also something that autistic men do. My son is an autistic teenager who spent a long time masking his unrecognised autism. Do you think maybe letting people know that, as an autistic person, you may read situations differently and it will be helpful to be open about different perspectives, especially with friends? I have an autistic client who, in my work context, always used to come to my office with a coffee for me as well as for her. She was amazed that this was not 'normal'. But I learned that this kind of reciprocity is often important for ASD people because it is normal; it's what you do when you meet new people! So, I'd consider not masking but communicating more - and maybe even expecting more of other people who need to meet you half way, perhaps? Hope that helps. Neill

Danny, I guess it depends on what we mean by masking? I see masking essentially as 'unseen effort', more typical of girls and women but also something that autistic men do. My son is an autistic teenager who spent a long time masking his unrecognised autism. Do you think maybe letting people know that, as an autistic person, you may read situations differently and it will be helpful to be open about different perspectives, especially with friends? I have an autistic client who, in my work context, always used to come to my office with a coffee for me as well as for her. She was amazed that this was not 'normal'. But I learned that this kind of reciprocity is often important for ASD people because it is normal; it's what you do when you meet new people! So, I'd consider not masking but communicating more - and maybe even expecting more of other people who need to meet you half way, perhaps? Hope that helps. Neill