Successful masking tips?

Culturally, the US is very different than the UK. The values are quite different, though there is an "Americanisation" of the West through media. I grew up in the States and moved to the UK in my late teens. I still go back on occasion, but it seems to me the response to this forced independence and isolation in the US, is a culture that creates a pretence of over-familiarity: asking strangers how they are doing calling strangers by their first name, crossing personal boundaries in all kinds of ways. If your mother grew up as I did, without knowing she might be Autistic, she might have a deep contempt for this social programming which is a complete facade but difficult to remember Every. Single. Time. 

I believe this socialised behaviour has something to do with the history of the US. The majority from lower economic circumstances, with new opportunities driven by commerce. Children are expected to learn to 'sell' (which I'd felt a silent disgust about as a child and now am quite open about it). There's a human tribal element but in this advanced civilisation where one must feign friendship in order to survive. 

The Autistic will (for the most part) sense percieve internal and external signals with a greater intensity. We don't dull our senses the same and this applies to relational perceptions along with biological perceptions (hearing, smell, etc.). So we can grow up feeling as if the world around is rather invasive. And since we all learn through experience, we tend to experience never being afforded boundaries. Meanwhile, Shakespeare was right: social groups really are just a collective of actors play-pretending a bit of theatre.  Except, it's rarely mentioned to the Autistic. Or, even if it is, given we have a difference in how we communicate, much is lost in translation. I can't read most others, nor catch the seemingly invisible nuances. I didn't even know this was a thing till my 40s. So being told not to talk to strangers when young and then expected to talk to strangers about much too personal things when older was somewhat maddening. 

Moving to the UK has actually afforded a refreshing perspective. In my 30s, I was simply relieved that no one demanded I tell them how I'm feeling every time I walked out the door. I don't have to look at or smile at strangers and can choose to make an effort with just a barista if I wish. I don't understand my feelings and I don't care to share them, so that was a breath of absolute fresh air! 

But as I've grown, the better lessons I've learned about Social Relations have been around creating boundaries, finding my own values and being true to them, affording dignity through not saying a thing, affording kindness and politeness through small efforts, assuming ethics rather than worrying about morals and integrating my deeper self with my words and actions. Yes, it can be exhausting and requires a bit of vigilance. But good friends are worth the effort. The best way forward was thinking about Time and Investment. Saying yes implies no: someone will be excluded for the sake of another, choose who you invest with wisely. 

The non-Autistic population tends to have this ability to desensitise, and to some degree, when older, possibly re-engage their ignored senses (often occurring with a mid-life crisis). What this means is that there is always a great deal of space and distance between 2 people. Signals of "familiarity" don't feel invasive. 

Don't worry about acquiring a Mask, you can't. The Jungian concept doesn't apply to us as it's an intuitive psychological concept - worth reading up on if interested. I find it's misused in Autistic circles. When it's to do with how non-Autistics are socialised.

If you must, cultivate an aesthetic self you enjoy and others enjoy. Learn small acts of selflessness, but also that the Typical individual exists in a space where they are driven by guilt and debt, so do not cause them to feel further indebted. There are plenty of books on creating healthy boundaries for relationships. And I would recommend Simon Griffin's "F^ck*ng Good Manners". 

Culturally, the US is very different than the UK. The values are quite different, though there is an "Americanisation" of the West through media. I grew up in the States and moved to the UK in my late teens. I still go back on occasion, but it seems to me the response to this forced independence and isolation in the US, is a culture that creates a pretence of over-familiarity: asking strangers how they are doing calling strangers by their first name, crossing personal boundaries in all kinds of ways. If your mother grew up as I did, without knowing she might be Autistic, she might have a deep contempt for this social programming which is a complete facade but difficult to remember Every. Single. Time. 

I believe this socialised behaviour has something to do with the history of the US. The majority from lower economic circumstances, with new opportunities driven by commerce. Children are expected to learn to 'sell' (which I'd felt a silent disgust about as a child and now am quite open about it). There's a human tribal element but in this advanced civilisation where one must feign friendship in order to survive. 

The Autistic will (for the most part) sense percieve internal and external signals with a greater intensity. We don't dull our senses the same and this applies to relational perceptions along with biological perceptions (hearing, smell, etc.). So we can grow up feeling as if the world around is rather invasive. And since we all learn through experience, we tend to experience never being afforded boundaries. Meanwhile, Shakespeare was right: social groups really are just a collective of actors play-pretending a bit of theatre.  Except, it's rarely mentioned to the Autistic. Or, even if it is, given we have a difference in how we communicate, much is lost in translation. I can't read most others, nor catch the seemingly invisible nuances. I didn't even know this was a thing till my 40s. So being told not to talk to strangers when young and then expected to talk to strangers about much too personal things when older was somewhat maddening. 

Moving to the UK has actually afforded a refreshing perspective. In my 30s, I was simply relieved that no one demanded I tell them how I'm feeling every time I walked out the door. I don't have to look at or smile at strangers and can choose to make an effort with just a barista if I wish. I don't understand my feelings and I don't care to share them, so that was a breath of absolute fresh air! 

But as I've grown, the better lessons I've learned about Social Relations have been around creating boundaries, finding my own values and being true to them, affording dignity through not saying a thing, affording kindness and politeness through small efforts, assuming ethics rather than worrying about morals and integrating my deeper self with my words and actions. Yes, it can be exhausting and requires a bit of vigilance. But good friends are worth the effort. The best way forward was thinking about Time and Investment. Saying yes implies no: someone will be excluded for the sake of another, choose who you invest with wisely. 

The non-Autistic population tends to have this ability to desensitise, and to some degree, when older, possibly re-engage their ignored senses (often occurring with a mid-life crisis). What this means is that there is always a great deal of space and distance between 2 people. Signals of "familiarity" don't feel invasive. 

Don't worry about acquiring a Mask, you can't. The Jungian concept doesn't apply to us as it's an intuitive psychological concept - worth reading up on if interested. I find it's misused in Autistic circles. When it's to do with how non-Autistics are socialised.

If you must, cultivate an aesthetic self you enjoy and others enjoy. Learn small acts of selflessness, but also that the Typical individual exists in a space where they are driven by guilt and debt, so do not cause them to feel further indebted. There are plenty of books on creating healthy boundaries for relationships. And I would recommend Simon Griffin's "F^ck*ng Good Manners". 

Thank u for the thoughtful response