Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my experiences with masking, especially as an autistic woman who often feels the need to navigate multiple layers of identity. While I’ve managed to mask pretty effectively in social settings for most of my life, I’m beginning to notice how exhausting it can be—especially as I try to balance societal expectations, the pressures of academia, and my own neurodivergent traits.
Recently, I’ve found myself becoming more sensitive to crowds and sensory input. For example, during a university event, I had an intense emotional response to the smells and noise of a large gathering. It caught me off guard because, usually, I’m able to handle such situations by relying on my 'normal people masking'—pretending to be unaffected by the sensory overload. But lately, it feels harder to keep that up.
I also struggle to recognize my own feelings at times. Masking has become so automatic for me that it’s difficult to untangle what I truly feel from what I’ve learned to perform socially. I wonder if anyone else experiences this disconnect between their authentic selves and the ‘version’ of themselves they present to the world.
One of the toughest aspects of masking is the need to appear 'perfect'—especially in social settings where I feel that any slip might affect how others see me. I'm also noticing this pressure in my intimate relationships, as I feel compelled to suppress parts of my true self to avoid rejection. This has become even more pronounced since I developed a crush on someone, and I find myself trying to be flawless to get their attention, even though I know that’s not sustainable in the long run.
Has anyone else experienced a similar struggle with masking? How do you cope with the fatigue and emotional toll it takes? I would appreciate any advice or shared experiences!
Thank you for reading.
I masked too, so well I don't think even I realised how well until I stopped, obviously I do still mask a bit, but not with people who know me well or who are new to me, because then I'm just authentically me and they can like me or not. It's the mid level socialising that trips me up. It's like I swing between masked and unmasked a lnost at random and thats far more tiring and gives me a serious bout of the colleywobbles when I get home, I guess work socialising is my mid level. I do find I have different masks and they're not all bad, work mask is probably the most useful, I feel more confident because I know what I'm there to do and how to do it, there's often no emotional connection, its all from a certain part of my brain that dosen't need the problematic bits.
I cope with a good book and a good cat
Thank you for sharing your experience, and I really appreciate your perspective. It’s absolutely fine that you responded—hearing from different people who navigate masking in various ways is incredibly insightful, regardless of gender.
Your story resonates with me, especially the way masking can become such an ingrained, exhausting practice. It's fascinating how your journey mirrors the experiences often described by women, highlighting just how nuanced and varied masking can be, across different contexts and individuals. I can imagine how brutal a boys' school environment must have been, especially when being your authentic self led to such harsh consequences. It sounds like you had to build quite a strong “mask” early on, just to survive that kind of environment.
It’s also really striking how, despite achieving the things that are often seen as neurotypical success—like friendships, relationships, and career accomplishments—the emotional cost of masking remained significant. What you said about expending so much energy for something that wasn’t as effective as it seemed really hit home for me. I’m glad that post-diagnosis, you’re starting to explore who you are underneath the mask.
I’ve found myself questioning the worth of masking too—how much energy is truly spent just trying to meet external expectations, and whether that effort really helps in the long run. Your reflections give me even more to think about in terms of whether that need for "perfection" is really beneficial.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts—it’s definitely given me some valuable insight.
Thank you so much for replying. I find it hard to connected deeply with people as well.
I masked all my life until my fifties, when I discovered I was on the spectrum. I hadn't known I was doing it, because I thought up til then I was "normal". But I then realised that despite always trying hard with friendships and family relationships, it felt like nobody except my partner really understood or liked me - I just couldn't really connect with them on a deep level. I also realised that my tiredness and anxiety was due to struggling so much in work and social environments.
It takes a while to teach yourself how to care for yourself. When you have thought it through, you should be able to work out what is the genuine you. Think about things that you do to please others, not yourself - that's not the genuine you. Then start to structure your life to accommodate your true self. Don't worry about what others will think - they will either appreciate that you are being genuine and honest, or they were not worth knowing.
And schedule in plenty of rest time, either doing what you enjoy or just doing nothing. You deserve it.
Hello Chloe23,
I don’t know if you only wanted responses from other Autistic women, if you did please let me know I will delete this.
I was diagnosed earlier this year with Autism at the age of 46. I’m a man and yet my experience of masking is eerily similar to that which is often described in the literature as being more common in women.
I started to mask around age 11 because I quickly discovered that the private all boys school my parents sent me to was brutal and that exhibiting my genuine, friendly, sensitive and different self would result in being ostracised or in the worst cases assaults.
I have become adept as masking, able to fool everyone around me and pass for neurotypical. I managed to have friends, girlfriends, attend concerts and raves, be “popular” and all the measures of neurotypical success.
Or so I thought.
My diagnosis earlier this year was prompted by my wife, we’ve been together for just over two decades, who sensitively suggested some of the difficulties and stresses I experience could be related to Autism.
Despite me adept masking skills that have allowed me to operate at cost in the neurotypical world, gain a successful career, friends, partners and various trappings - she could see right through the mask and as it turns out, many others did too.
I’ve expended so much energy and endured so much stress and anxiety because of my masking that I’d always thought it was worth it to be “normal”, “perfect”, “attractive”, etc. The reality is that it wasn’t that effective and I expended effort on something that wasn’t as helpful as I thought.
Post diagnosis I still mask, but less so and am finding it less appealing to do so. In doing this I am more able to recognise how I feel and who I really am underneath the pretence.
The point I am trying to get to is that I wonder how worth the effort it is to mask.
Hi Chloe23,
Thank you for sharing your experience with the online community.
You may find the following resources helpful:
Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod