Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my experiences with masking, especially as an autistic woman who often feels the need to navigate multiple layers of identity. While I’ve managed to mask pretty effectively in social settings for most of my life, I’m beginning to notice how exhausting it can be—especially as I try to balance societal expectations, the pressures of academia, and my own neurodivergent traits.
Recently, I’ve found myself becoming more sensitive to crowds and sensory input. For example, during a university event, I had an intense emotional response to the smells and noise of a large gathering. It caught me off guard because, usually, I’m able to handle such situations by relying on my 'normal people masking'—pretending to be unaffected by the sensory overload. But lately, it feels harder to keep that up.
I also struggle to recognize my own feelings at times. Masking has become so automatic for me that it’s difficult to untangle what I truly feel from what I’ve learned to perform socially. I wonder if anyone else experiences this disconnect between their authentic selves and the ‘version’ of themselves they present to the world.
One of the toughest aspects of masking is the need to appear 'perfect'—especially in social settings where I feel that any slip might affect how others see me. I'm also noticing this pressure in my intimate relationships, as I feel compelled to suppress parts of my true self to avoid rejection. This has become even more pronounced since I developed a crush on someone, and I find myself trying to be flawless to get their attention, even though I know that’s not sustainable in the long run.
Has anyone else experienced a similar struggle with masking? How do you cope with the fatigue and emotional toll it takes? I would appreciate any advice or shared experiences!
Thank you for reading.
I masked all my life until my fifties, when I discovered I was on the spectrum. I hadn't known I was doing it, because I thought up til then I was "normal". But I then realised that despite always trying hard with friendships and family relationships, it felt like nobody except my partner really understood or liked me - I just couldn't really connect with them on a deep level. I also realised that my tiredness and anxiety was due to struggling so much in work and social environments.
It takes a while to teach yourself how to care for yourself. When you have thought it through, you should be able to work out what is the genuine you. Think about things that you do to please others, not yourself - that's not the genuine you. Then start to structure your life to accommodate your true self. Don't worry about what others will think - they will either appreciate that you are being genuine and honest, or they were not worth knowing.
And schedule in plenty of rest time, either doing what you enjoy or just doing nothing. You deserve it.
Thank you so much for replying. I find it hard to connected deeply with people as well.