Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my experiences with masking, especially as an autistic woman who often feels the need to navigate multiple layers of identity. While I’ve managed to mask pretty effectively in social settings for most of my life, I’m beginning to notice how exhausting it can be—especially as I try to balance societal expectations, the pressures of academia, and my own neurodivergent traits.
Recently, I’ve found myself becoming more sensitive to crowds and sensory input. For example, during a university event, I had an intense emotional response to the smells and noise of a large gathering. It caught me off guard because, usually, I’m able to handle such situations by relying on my 'normal people masking'—pretending to be unaffected by the sensory overload. But lately, it feels harder to keep that up.
I also struggle to recognize my own feelings at times. Masking has become so automatic for me that it’s difficult to untangle what I truly feel from what I’ve learned to perform socially. I wonder if anyone else experiences this disconnect between their authentic selves and the ‘version’ of themselves they present to the world.
One of the toughest aspects of masking is the need to appear 'perfect'—especially in social settings where I feel that any slip might affect how others see me. I'm also noticing this pressure in my intimate relationships, as I feel compelled to suppress parts of my true self to avoid rejection. This has become even more pronounced since I developed a crush on someone, and I find myself trying to be flawless to get their attention, even though I know that’s not sustainable in the long run.
Has anyone else experienced a similar struggle with masking? How do you cope with the fatigue and emotional toll it takes? I would appreciate any advice or shared experiences!
Thank you for reading.
I masked too, so well I don't think even I realised how well until I stopped, obviously I do still mask a bit, but not with people who know me well or who are new to me, because then I'm just authentically me and they can like me or not. It's the mid level socialising that trips me up. It's like I swing between masked and unmasked a lnost at random and thats far more tiring and gives me a serious bout of the colleywobbles when I get home, I guess work socialising is my mid level. I do find I have different masks and they're not all bad, work mask is probably the most useful, I feel more confident because I know what I'm there to do and how to do it, there's often no emotional connection, its all from a certain part of my brain that dosen't need the problematic bits.
I cope with a good book and a good cat