Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like a loser. The thought of ending my life is starting to enter my mind. I used to be able to stop those thoughts by thinking about what my family would feel if I was gone, but now I really dont care. I could write several paragraphs on my thoughts,feelings and issues but what's the point. I hate people and people hate me. I'm not saying I'm going to end my life but the thought of living isnt appealing either. I am so afraid of rejection and failure I dont attempt to do things, or I have done things in the past and have failed and been rejected. I have always been insecure and had very little confidence but in the past 3-4 years those feelings have sky rocketed! I am inadequate on so many levels and have a chip on my shoulder due to past events. I am incredibly self critical and I bully myself a lot. I have become extremely bitter,cynical and hateful towards others. I have a lot of mental and physical problems that have developed in the past 2 years that have added to these issues. I have always been a big drinker but that has also increased heavily. I find it hard to get through a week without a few heavy binging sessions. I hate peoples perception of me (which is wrong most of the time) They always look down their noses at me or underestimate me. My mood is always very dark and being around others for even a short period of time is challenging. I have spoken to professionals over the past several years but that hasnt helped. I have been on several medications but that hasnt helped. I despice having aspergers, it is a curse not a superpower which many people claim. A have way too much self awareness. I notice stupid people seem to be much happier due to lacking self awareness. Sometimes I envy the idiots of this world. Does anybody have an opinion on this?
It's hard not to consider myself a loser. Especially when I see others who have far worse personalities than me achieve things.
I have never gone along with the herd as such, but as I have gotten older the urges for conventional things such a house,job,marriage and children have grown and I think I cannot achieve such things. Going against the herd in every other way is no problem.
Boaty's boat is resonant with my dingy too....in sum respects, but not all life respects! I have a house boat, supertanker, aircraft carrier and jet ski also manifesting for me at times too! Now that really can freak out a Normie! Why wouldn't you captain the cool vessels ALL the time?.....a common answer I give to this perfectly rational questioning is....."welcome to my world."
Good to have you here boaty.
I've observed from time-to-time the ways my temperament and analytical leanings have been an advantage, and appreciated by others. But this is hugely outweighed by the disadvantage of how hard it is to process information, amplified by the fact I hide my "methods" out of shame.
I briefly reflect on how things would be if I allowed myself to be my True Authentic self and it's not a nice idea... I'd be insensitive, regularly putting my foot it in and generally very unlikeable. I slightly prefer this version that I've trained myself to be, but it's hardly a joyous life
On some levels, hell yes, it's a disorder, but I also derive some advanatges from mine. (which are admitteldy easy to overlook beciuse of the societal effects of autism.
In a tightly controlled and controlling society like this one, anythng that makes it harder to do "groupthink" will manifest as a severe and occasionally life threatening "disorder".
When you are a child Autism means you are always in trouble and when you are an adult then it means almost everyone treats you like a Cnut!
Pixiefox said:Our modern society dictates we must do specific things to be "successful", but you don't have to comply with made up rubbish.
If only that were true, I'd have remained a participant. If you refuse to comply with "made up rubbish" (or even simply cannot) society is designed to make your life real hard if you persist in trying to interact with it..
Life is not a spectator sport. Even though the philosophy of competitive individualism underpinning our economic system may have people reacting in competitive and detrimental ways. The beauty of being an Autist is that you can develop your own thoughts on being alive. Instead of just going along with the herd.
"Loser" is a term constructed by society - it doesn't really exist. In prehistoric times nobody was labelled as such - each person did what they could, be it hunting, gathering, making pots or tools, doing cave painting, etc. Our modern society dictates we must do specific things to be "successful", but you don't have to comply with made up rubbish. There must be things you enjoy and are good at - focus on those.
Hope things improve for you.
I know how you feel and am in a similar situation, in my 30s, just about held things together in early adulthood, but I've crashed again and think I've exhausted most of the goodwill on offer to me from family and work.
They say it's best to talk, but talking can make things worse.
Talk to those close and you'll just hurt them if you're truthful.
Talk to acquaintances and they'll oversimplify and tell you there's an easy fix based on the small amount you've disclosed.
Talk to a professional and you can feel like you're not broken which is good. But it doesn't fix the practical challenges of navigating your particular life.
This thing is definitely a disorder, not just a difference
Dear NAS94658,
Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that you are currently experiencing. It is good that you’ve let us know how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support
The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help
If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service. In in England, Wales and Scotland there is now an option to speak with mental health professionals by selecting ‘option 2’ when calling NHS 111: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/
You may also find the following useful:
Help for anyone struggling to cope
We hope this is helpful to you.
Kind regards
Rosie Mod
Thank you for the courteous tone, as you express your very real and understandable annoyance at God, or at least the life he has gven us.
But FAIITH is way different a thing to the benefit of a group of kids all being taught a moral code and unified way of looking at the world, that helps them deal with it's crap.
Christian life traiing teaches one to avoid some of lifes worst traps and bringers of misery, at least it has for me.
Aspergers isn't such a curse as say, being Boris Johnson or having G.A.S.H.* but it is in our circumstances a bit of an afflicton. I haev been miserable as fck about it since my diagnosis as I feel that I sufddenly got a load of hard limits in my life that I had managed to convince my self did not exist.
BUT, Every little win I have and all of my wins in the past are that much sweeter now, I knwo I achived what I ddi whilst having bloody AUDD. I'll finish with a joke if I may.
Man goes to doctors, Dr examines him and announces, "You have G.A.S.H. MR Blenkinsop!"
The man askes the obvious question and Dr replies "It's an acronym for Gonorrhoea, Aids, Herpes and Syphilis". "Ive called you an ambulance and you will be taken to hospital and palced ona strict diet of pizza and pancakes".
Our man gasps; "Pizza and Pancakes" "How will that treat my GASH?"
DR replies, "It probably won't but at least pizza and pancakes will slide under the door of your room..."
Welcome to the forum NAS94658, we are a diverse bunch (if you like that sort of thing) You cleanrly have some wise things to share with us, like this gem.
NAS94658 said:Sometimes I envy the idiots of this world.
Don't we all!!
There's a few idiots around here, and I can manage it for short periods of times (Longer if this weeks cannabis strain is a decent one!) and then I'm blissfully happy for a few seconds, then I start thinking again.
I do recommend (to everyone, eventually) that you borrow or otherwsie acquire a cat that likes you, as those simple interactions really seem to make up for a lot of the rest of the crap I go through. Having you own cat is absolutely a mixed bag, I started out by helping some friends with temporary accomodation and they had two cats, one of which I found I liked looking after. The someone offered me a kitten. It was terrifying at first and such work to look after it. I took her to at least one party under my coat...So it was probably pretty terrifying for her too. She got used to my little ways over the next 14 years or so..
It's hard not to judge yourself by NT criteria, NTs have many advantages to us. It's like they know a secret we dont if you know what I mean. it's like they naturally know how to navigate situations. How I envy that.
Christian life training? I dont know how big your faith is but god and I dont have a great relationship. I dont mean to disrepect your beliefs but I hate god and god hates me. God has not gifted me with any sort of strength or zest for life. If god loves us then why did he make people like me. Aspergers is a curse. But I appreciate your reply nonetheless.
NT or aspie, things DO get better as you get older but then dofferent things get worse, is my experience.
God has given me a frustrating and crap life BUT he also made me smart enogh to make some bits of it quite nice. He sends me cats. I Got an early life Chrsitian life training which has been very useful in places.
But some days, hell yeah, I feel like a failure and could off myself, but on those days I make a point of rembering that I've been here before.
I appreciate the tip but antihistamines dont have any affect on me. I envy idiots because they are confident, happy and lack self awareness. And I dont feel like this sometimes, I feel like this all the time 24/7 all my life. I hate who I am and severely unhappy. I dont remember the last time I felt a genuine positive emotion
You’re not a loser. I feel the same sometimes. You’re probably just anxious. Have you ever tried antihistamines? They might help you. I used to take antihistamines and they helped me cope in day to day life. Unfortunately I got taken off them and started drinking again. But yeh I hope to get back on them again. Best of luck to you too. Why do you envy idiots? Don’t envy idiots instead envy smart successful people.
Well, I'm an older foooker, and based on my experience, it DOESN'T get easier, but it does get different. Different is OK mate....eventually. The transition is defo tricky, in my experience, but inevitable. Stick with it. Change your horizons/aspirations perhaps? Defo DON'T judge yourself on NT criteria. We're not NT.....we're at least; equal-but-different.....but I like to think we're wiser and better!
Keep smiling, and keep going.
I'm 31, 32 in 4 weeks. It seems the older I'm getting the worse things are in my head and life. I was under the impression things got easier for us aspies the older we got. I dont think 'it' will get better. I just thought things would naturally work out for me, I thought I would be able to function in society, whether that be socially or in work. I thought I would be to attain those things other people have. But even women treat me as though I'm invisible. I have wasted my life thus far. I have wasted my 20s and I'm going to waste my 30's. I think 'it' doesnt work out for the likes of us.
It is possible to be "loosing" without being a "loser.". Think......tortoise and hare scenario. We are prone to self-reflection more than most. Desmond makes VERY good points above about "things change"......that can be positive, especially when you find yourself feeling "maxed-out" on negatives.
Stick with "it"....."it" gets better!
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Yes, we're hammered at this Crucible. However, reaching out is the first sign of action.
The system failed us, but we shouldn't fail ourselves. Find a passion, based on something you like.