Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like a loser. The thought of ending my life is starting to enter my mind. I used to be able to stop those thoughts by thinking about what my family would feel if I was gone, but now I really dont care. I could write several paragraphs on my thoughts,feelings and issues but what's the point. I hate people and people hate me. I'm not saying I'm going to end my life but the thought of living isnt appealing either. I am so afraid of rejection and failure I dont attempt to do things, or I have done things in the past and have failed and been rejected. I have always been insecure and had very little confidence but in the past 3-4 years those feelings have sky rocketed! I am inadequate on so many levels and have a chip on my shoulder due to past events. I am incredibly self critical and I bully myself a lot. I have become extremely bitter,cynical and hateful towards others. I have a lot of mental and physical problems that have developed in the past 2 years that have added to these issues. I have always been a big drinker but that has also increased heavily. I find it hard to get through a week without a few heavy binging sessions. I hate peoples perception of me (which is wrong most of the time) They always look down their noses at me or underestimate me. My mood is always very dark and being around others for even a short period of time is challenging. I have spoken to professionals over the past several years but that hasnt helped. I have been on several medications but that hasnt helped. I despice having aspergers, it is a curse not a superpower which many people claim. A have way too much self awareness. I notice stupid people seem to be much happier due to lacking self awareness. Sometimes I envy the idiots of this world. Does anybody have an opinion on this?
It is possible to be "loosing" without being a "loser.". Think......tortoise and hare scenario. We are prone to self-reflection more than most. Desmond makes VERY good points above about "things change"......that can be positive, especially when you find yourself feeling "maxed-out" on negatives.
Stick with "it"....."it" gets better!
I'm 31, 32 in 4 weeks. It seems the older I'm getting the worse things are in my head and life. I was under the impression things got easier for us aspies the older we got. I dont think 'it' will get better. I just thought things would naturally work out for me, I thought I would be able to function in society, whether that be socially or in work. I thought I would be to attain those things other people have. But even women treat me as though I'm invisible. I have wasted my life thus far. I have wasted my 20s and I'm going to waste my 30's. I think 'it' doesnt work out for the likes of us.
NT or aspie, things DO get better as you get older but then dofferent things get worse, is my experience.
God has given me a frustrating and crap life BUT he also made me smart enogh to make some bits of it quite nice. He sends me cats. I Got an early life Chrsitian life training which has been very useful in places.
But some days, hell yeah, I feel like a failure and could off myself, but on those days I make a point of rembering that I've been here before.
Thank you for the courteous tone, as you express your very real and understandable annoyance at God, or at least the life he has gven us.
But FAIITH is way different a thing to the benefit of a group of kids all being taught a moral code and unified way of looking at the world, that helps them deal with it's crap.
Christian life traiing teaches one to avoid some of lifes worst traps and bringers of misery, at least it has for me.
Aspergers isn't such a curse as say, being Boris Johnson or having G.A.S.H.* but it is in our circumstances a bit of an afflicton. I haev been miserable as fck about it since my diagnosis as I feel that I sufddenly got a load of hard limits in my life that I had managed to convince my self did not exist.
BUT, Every little win I have and all of my wins in the past are that much sweeter now, I knwo I achived what I ddi whilst having bloody AUDD. I'll finish with a joke if I may.
Man goes to doctors, Dr examines him and announces, "You have G.A.S.H. MR Blenkinsop!"
The man askes the obvious question and Dr replies "It's an acronym for Gonorrhoea, Aids, Herpes and Syphilis". "Ive called you an ambulance and you will be taken to hospital and palced ona strict diet of pizza and pancakes".
Our man gasps; "Pizza and Pancakes" "How will that treat my GASH?"
DR replies, "It probably won't but at least pizza and pancakes will slide under the door of your room..."
Welcome to the forum NAS94658, we are a diverse bunch (if you like that sort of thing) You cleanrly have some wise things to share with us, like this gem.
NAS94658 said:Sometimes I envy the idiots of this world.
Don't we all!!
There's a few idiots around here, and I can manage it for short periods of times (Longer if this weeks cannabis strain is a decent one!) and then I'm blissfully happy for a few seconds, then I start thinking again.
I do recommend (to everyone, eventually) that you borrow or otherwsie acquire a cat that likes you, as those simple interactions really seem to make up for a lot of the rest of the crap I go through. Having you own cat is absolutely a mixed bag, I started out by helping some friends with temporary accomodation and they had two cats, one of which I found I liked looking after. The someone offered me a kitten. It was terrifying at first and such work to look after it. I took her to at least one party under my coat...So it was probably pretty terrifying for her too. She got used to my little ways over the next 14 years or so..