Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like a loser. The thought of ending my life is starting to enter my mind. I used to be able to stop those thoughts by thinking about what my family would feel if I was gone, but now I really dont care. I could write several paragraphs on my thoughts,feelings and issues but what's the point. I hate people and people hate me. I'm not saying I'm going to end my life but the thought of living isnt appealing either. I am so afraid of rejection and failure I dont attempt to do things, or I have done things in the past and have failed and been rejected. I have always been insecure and had very little confidence but in the past 3-4 years those feelings have sky rocketed! I am inadequate on so many levels and have a chip on my shoulder due to past events. I am incredibly self critical and I bully myself a lot. I have become extremely bitter,cynical and hateful towards others. I have a lot of mental and physical problems that have developed in the past 2 years that have added to these issues. I have always been a big drinker but that has also increased heavily. I find it hard to get through a week without a few heavy binging sessions. I hate peoples perception of me (which is wrong most of the time) They always look down their noses at me or underestimate me. My mood is always very dark and being around others for even a short period of time is challenging. I have spoken to professionals over the past several years but that hasnt helped. I have been on several medications but that hasnt helped. I despice having aspergers, it is a curse not a superpower which many people claim. A have way too much self awareness. I notice stupid people seem to be much happier due to lacking self awareness. Sometimes I envy the idiots of this world. Does anybody have an opinion on this?
I know how you feel and am in a similar situation, in my 30s, just about held things together in early adulthood, but I've crashed again and think I've exhausted most of the goodwill on offer to me from family and work.
They say it's best to talk, but talking can make things worse.
Talk to those close and you'll just hurt them if you're truthful.
Talk to acquaintances and they'll oversimplify and tell you there's an easy fix based on the small amount you've disclosed.
Talk to a professional and you can feel like you're not broken which is good. But it doesn't fix the practical challenges of navigating your particular life.
This thing is definitely a disorder, not just a difference
On some levels, hell yes, it's a disorder, but I also derive some advanatges from mine. (which are admitteldy easy to overlook beciuse of the societal effects of autism.
In a tightly controlled and controlling society like this one, anythng that makes it harder to do "groupthink" will manifest as a severe and occasionally life threatening "disorder".
When you are a child Autism means you are always in trouble and when you are an adult then it means almost everyone treats you like a Cnut!