Advice for adult relationships?

You're welcome, I hope between us all we've given you some ideas and some help.

This is really helpful everyone, thank you!

My partner is neurospicy too, but suspected ADHD and confirmed dyslexic.
Thank you for your help.

The thing that is very familiar to me here is that decision making -even the most inconsequential things- can be very stressful. What if I get it wrong? I'm much more comfortable with facts, data and certainty, but human relationships don't work that way. Aside from the suggestions that have already been made, you might consider breaking the problem down? What are the possibilities (what does your partner want) and what are you afraid/concerned by. Also, what are the advantages. I agree that, once you've got this worked out for yourself you should discuss it. That may be an unsettling prospect but I think dialogue is really important for a good relationship, especially if you have different neurotypes. It may also help them understand where you're coming from better. Hope that helps.

I'm happily married, a father of 3 children, and suspect I am autistic (my eldest daughter was diagnosed). But it is never entirely "good" because that would be impossible. I suppose for a long term relationship, you will eventually need to communicate (somehow) what it is you want/need, which may be uncomfortable and scary because you don't know what the outcome will be - this works vice versa too with your partner. Only with honesty will either of you understand each other better, and it will eventually make your relationship stronger.

I'd say try couples counselling too. All relationships go through rough patches, once the initial thrill of being in love and having found someone, everyday life intrudes and you have to think about the normal everyday parts of life, who does the laundry, the cooking etc, even who cleans the toilet! None of these are glamorous and definately not in the Hollywood version of relationships, but don't forget a relationship is two people relating, go and relate!

Hi and welcome to the community!

I'll offer the following advice based on the assumption that your partner is neurotypical - please accept my apologies if that's incorrect.

You might find this book helpful. It specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the gender pronouns around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the benefits from the book were well worth the effort, I feel.

The NAS also has some related advice here:

Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

You might also like to consider couples counselling with a neurodivergent-experienced counsellor.

I wish I could offer advice but at 63 years of age, I am a committed bachelor and have long since given up dating as a long cause, partially because I have found this to be an exercise in frustration but also because I am a terrible judge of character and have found myself repeatedly taken advantage of.

Have you gone through counseling? If you love your partner, why do you have issues with commitment? Are you taking your partner for granted? Have you shared your thoughts with this person? It often helps to talk things out.