Marriage issues

Is this really an autistic thing or a more general relationship thing? I think autism is a very easy lable on which to hang any problems and especially not to look at ones own behaviour.

Having suffered from serious pre menstral symptoms myself I can empathise with you both, I know I was hell to live with, I felt I was living in hell, there's so little help or understanding with pre menstral problems and the effect it has on the whole family and not just the woman who's being ruled by hormones she has no control over. However it is now recognised that some women suffer worse than others and some doctors are being more helpful, unfortunately not all.

Can you go to couples therapy? Even if you go by yourself it will still help, she may decided to come with you if only to find out what your talking about.

I'm in a very similar situation. I've got a successful career, I'm sociable and most people would never guess I'm diagnosed ASC.

I'm in my 50s, I've been married for 20 years, my wife tells me that she is lonely, that i'm not there for her etc. we have two young adults (teenagers) both with ASC diagnosis.

After I was diagnosed later in life my wife went through a period of sending me YouTube videos of "how to deal with an autistic spouse", some of the videos even suggested that ASC can be prayed away, or that eating less gluten would make you less ASC. She was using my diagnosis as a negative thing. I'm pretty clear about it. I'm an autistic man, not a man with autism.

My wife has her own issues, she suffers with anxiety and at certain times of the month, the anxiety levels would be off the scale. During that time she could be unpleasant to be around and I'd frequently find myself having self-injurious meltdowns. When her menopause started I found it so hard to cope intended up on SSRIs for more than a year.

I finally snapped a few weeks ago, when she physically attacked me and I've made plans to move out.

It has been horrendous and I hate that I've got to do this, but now that I've made the decision I'm realising just how toxic the relationship has been and  actually I should have got out a long time ago.

My reluctance to be available for my wife, comes from me wanting to protect myself, for not wanting to get hurt, for not wanting a meltdown. You can't get stung if you don't poke round the beehive.

Hi and welcome to the community!

I'm very sorry to hear about your relationship realisations and struggles.

I strongly recommend reading this book, which addresses all manner of issues concerning neurotypical + neurodivergent relationships. For example - with reference to the issues that you mentioned above - it includes chapters entitled "Communication that works", "An emotional connection" and "Parenting together".

The book also includes various exercises that you can complete - ideally along with your wife - to help both of you to make the most of its advice:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

Note: the book was written when Asperger's syndrome was still an official diagnostic term, whereas this would now simply fall under Autism Spectrum Disorder / Condition (ie autism). 

Caveat: when moving from discussion of one issue / scenario to the next, the author often switches which of the partners is neurodivergent (him / her), which can make it a little confusing until you've worked out who's who this time. Still, I feel the book's benefits are well worth this inconvenience.

You might also wish to consider couples counselling.

Your wife might also find this NAS resource helpful:

NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

I've also been married for 20 years, I have one teenage son who is neuro diverse himself, and I hear the same complaints from my partner. Loneliness, lack of connection, problems with communication. It's hard for alistic people to understand that your need for alone time has nothing to do with them, and not engaging in small talk or forgetting to ask about their day, it doesn't mean you don't care for them, and that when you have a shutdown and won't talk to them it's not because you don't love them, it's because you can't.

I had a severe burnout last year and it almost broke or marriage. We had couples therapy and it helped a lot! But we had to find the right counsellor. We started with someone that didn't help us at all, then we found another therapist who had experience with autism and she was absolutely amazing. She served almost like a translator between the two of us. 

I also recommend this book - Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner, by Cindy Ariel. It's a bit out of date - we don't use the terminology Asperger's any more - but I'm our case this book helped a lot. We both read it, it's written for the non autistic partner but it helped me to understand how they perceive us, and how I can try and bridge the communication gap.

In regards to your kids, I'm not sure how to help. My own kid has a lot of issues and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. The only advice I have is that if they see you and your wife as a team instead of opposing sides, they're more likely feel safe and secure, so that perhaps might help in your relationship with them?

Don't give up, relationships are hard work even without the added issues of a neuro diverse couple. 

I hope this helps! Good luck!

If everyone is still talking, that's a good sign. In a horror film it's always communication that goes which leads to all kinds of doom and gloom. 

All humans have good qualities which need drawing out. We can have talent which has been overlooked and difficulty which hasn't been sorted out. We all need help growing and to acknowledge how much we don't know. 

In our modern world, mental health is this strange trend which might be used as a nuance to say "I can't change", when the reality is, there might be a loss in translation, but we can keep working out how to best communicate! As someone who's also dyslexic, I might never have the same ability to organise, but it doesn't mean I can't be kind, these are such different things. I might actually possess an ability others don't have, such as spacial relations and a keen ability for geometry. 

As an adult with kids, they have to be a priority. And barring economic responsibility, my needs and intense interests can be put aside for the sake of someone I am responsible to. 

I went through a similar awakening in my late 20's and it took about 10 years to configure myself after a massive breakdown. Single mum, little help, but managed. However, I've always read philosophy, have had a series of spiritual awakenings (of sort), sought out mentorships, listened to podcasts, joined church groups, found accountability and so on. 

My dad is slowly realising these things as well and he's much older. But it's so easy to forgive someone who is honest about their humanness and limits. Who wants to connect. I can hear your heart in the matter and that's really crucial to our becoming. When in doubt, just ask. Asking your kids to help you be better - one thing at a time as to not overwhelm, involving them in your process, will actually set them up to be better humans overall. 

You've been far more successful with your social life than I have. I'm 63, have never married, and I have no children. Most of my relatives won't have anything to do with me. On the brighter side, I had a largely successful career and was a teacher for 32 years. I am also a professionally trained chef with 5 years of indusry experience.

In terms of your situation, I suspect that you are a good and caring person and that you wrote this post because you want to rectify the situation or to at least begin making amends. 

Have you considered marriage counseling for both you and your wife? This would give both of you the opportunity to voice your thoughts and feelings in front of an objective third party mediator. Onxw you and you wife have begun to at least address your relationship issues, you might then have a family meeting to discuss your relationship with your children. 

I do not blame you for not wanting to discuss your relationship issues with your friend. Good friends are hard to find and many will sadly shy away from wanting to discuss something as troubling as this. A really good friend would help you through this but the cost of finding out how good a friend you have might be more than you're willing to pay particularly if this person winds up distancing himself from you. 

I wish you all the best. 

Hi, it’s a difficult situation. Have you asked your wife what she loves you for? What made her choose you? Maybe this question would be inappropriate, I don’t know, just suggesting. Did she tell you she feels unloved only after discovering that you are autistic or earlier too? It’s a broad topic and I do t know what issues exactly you both are facing, but I think maybe encouraging her to read about autism would help her understand you better (if you didn’t try yet). I also have issues in my marriage, but I always try to communicate clearly, verbally and honestly, maybe in some situations you both could work out some compromise. Have you tried consulting a therapist? I wish you luck.