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Marriage issues

NAS96341

A not so quick intro. Been married for 20yrs, have children, have a good job. I seemly make friends quite easily. I have a life that a many of austistic men would be quite satisfied with.

Apparently I wrong about most of the above.  After several conversations with my wife (which we both discovered I was austistic after being married for a decade) my evaluation of myself and my life appears to wrong. 

My wife feels unloved, and unable to speak with me. Essentially emotionally abandoned.  My kids are afraid of me or don't "like" being around me. And I really only have 1 close friend,  who I can't bring myself to talk too honestly about my situation,  so how close of a friend could he be?

Not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm looking for suggestions regarding how I can draw closer to my wife and kids and how can I deal with this crushing realization that my life isn't what I think it is?

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community!

    I'm very sorry to hear about your relationship realisations and struggles.

    I strongly recommend reading this book, which addresses all manner of issues concerning neurotypical + neurodivergent relationships. For example - with reference to the issues that you mentioned above - it includes chapters entitled "Communication that works", "An emotional connection" and "Parenting together".

    The book also includes various exercises that you can complete - ideally along with your wife - to help both of you to make the most of its advice:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    Note: the book was written when Asperger's syndrome was still an official diagnostic term, whereas this would now simply fall under Autism Spectrum Disorder / Condition (ie autism). 

    Caveat: when moving from discussion of one issue / scenario to the next, the author often switches which of the partners is neurodivergent (him / her), which can make it a little confusing until you've worked out who's who this time. Still, I feel the book's benefits are well worth this inconvenience.

    You might also wish to consider couples counselling.

    Your wife might also find this NAS resource helpful:

    NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

Reply

  • Hi and welcome to the community!

    I'm very sorry to hear about your relationship realisations and struggles.

    I strongly recommend reading this book, which addresses all manner of issues concerning neurotypical + neurodivergent relationships. For example - with reference to the issues that you mentioned above - it includes chapters entitled "Communication that works", "An emotional connection" and "Parenting together".

    The book also includes various exercises that you can complete - ideally along with your wife - to help both of you to make the most of its advice:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    Note: the book was written when Asperger's syndrome was still an official diagnostic term, whereas this would now simply fall under Autism Spectrum Disorder / Condition (ie autism). 

    Caveat: when moving from discussion of one issue / scenario to the next, the author often switches which of the partners is neurodivergent (him / her), which can make it a little confusing until you've worked out who's who this time. Still, I feel the book's benefits are well worth this inconvenience.

    You might also wish to consider couples counselling.

    Your wife might also find this NAS resource helpful:

    NAS - Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

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