Published on 12, July, 2020
I decided that maybe I'm ok not having friends. The responsibility and having to compromise my boundaries and privacy seems too much to handle.
Also I had to say no to a local monthly social group due to being in the late afternoon when the roads and buses are filled up with traffic and sprogs leaving school and feeling like I would not get anything useful from it and feeling like an outsider.
I have work friends but I never let myself get in situations of our of work socialising
I had friends for a long time on xbox but the need to go on party and chat played havoc with my senses
I have one good friend who I lost touch with but tbh I'm ok with that I have family and I talk to people at work
As a kid I would dread someone knocking on saying come out to play (one time I had kids I didn't know that well doing this and it was hell as I felt like it was the accepted thing to say yes) and I did used to go to friends houses but I quickly learned alot of the kids had no loyalty and used their friends
Yeah it's ok to not have friends in the sense of you must all go do things together simply talking is fine and if they dont respect home time is your time forget about them
I struggled a long time with saying "no". I kept putting myself in horrible situations that I didn't want to be in because I thought it was required of me. But actually... I can do whatever I want. What other people think shouldn't determine my life or happiness.
I don't think I ever had a real friend. I struggle with human connection and it feels like an obligation. I always feel like I'm being made to do something I don't want to, but I have to because I might never be asked again if I say no. For me any form of socialising is such a huge effort...
I do like the idea of having friends, but in practice, maybe I'm not capable of it. If someone that I can tolerate being around has similar interests and wants to do something, that's cool. It's still an effort for me but I will try. For me, those small occasional social interactions are a big deal. They drain me but it's always a learning experience, I just need time to regenerate.
I realise that there are very few people I like the older I get. I have some very special type of people who I want to have as friends so I make an effort with them. But count on one hand the number.
Is it that we can see straight through the fake stuff to the real person underneath?
I think I can. I can tell very quickly if someone is not as nice as they are pretending to be. And I will not make any effort to get to know them now.
In the past I would have and got hurt but no longer.
In that regard I like being older. I can protect myself more now.
I feel like that too, I have to ask myself whats in it for me? The answer is usually not a lot, I know it can become self defeating, I don't meet people so I don't get to share interestests etc, but then most of my interests are fairly solitary and I don't need others to do them with. I wouldn't want to go to something at school kicking out time either, or early morning, or evening either, so it dosent' leave much of the day. I'm also nearly always busy, dashing about like a fart in a colander, when would I get time to socialise! Socialising is what I come on here for and I meet some friends for a dog walk on a sunday afternoon, that feels enough for me.
That's totally okay. If you don't want to have friends you don't need to. Just so long as you're mentally in a good space and have people to go to if you do need any help.