Published on 12, July, 2020
I decided that maybe I'm ok not having friends. The responsibility and having to compromise my boundaries and privacy seems too much to handle.
Also I had to say no to a local monthly social group due to being in the late afternoon when the roads and buses are filled up with traffic and sprogs leaving school and feeling like I would not get anything useful from it and feeling like an outsider.
I struggled a long time with saying "no". I kept putting myself in horrible situations that I didn't want to be in because I thought it was required of me. But actually... I can do whatever I want. What other people think shouldn't determine my life or happiness.
I don't think I ever had a real friend. I struggle with human connection and it feels like an obligation. I always feel like I'm being made to do something I don't want to, but I have to because I might never be asked again if I say no. For me any form of socialising is such a huge effort...
I do like the idea of having friends, but in practice, maybe I'm not capable of it. If someone that I can tolerate being around has similar interests and wants to do something, that's cool. It's still an effort for me but I will try. For me, those small occasional social interactions are a big deal. They drain me but it's always a learning experience, I just need time to regenerate.