Is it “oversharing” or is it not just simply honesty?

Thanks so much for your message. It’s true I guess I give the answer that is true not the one they want to hear because the one they want to hear isn’t true or my reality. I struggle to lie and paint them a picture which does not reflect my life experience. Not only does it not sit well with me morally, but I cannot lie. I just struggle to make something up. 

I actually haven’t ever been told that I am giving too much information, my honestly for the most part is generally respected and I find that because of my unintentional oversharing (in my head, it is not oversharing, it is just honesty) people actaully respect it and are honest and open with me as a result. My issue I guess are everyday random people I meet atm given I am not working. Those who don’t and won’t get to know me and how I am. I feel vulnerable and feel hatred towards myself because I can sense their aura has changed and they may be silent and it appear tense and awkward. It is in these circumstances I feel I have done something wrong by saying the truth and wish I hadn’t. 

I guess the reason why it would come up is because my health is still ongoing so I hear what you are saying in that you are right, they haven’t asked about the past few years.  But because my health is still an everyday issue, it is my current reality if that makes sense? Or although a decade in the wrong system is now thankfully in the past, it has unfortunately impacted my current life. So it is hard when people want to know what I’ve done as a job before when I haven’t. 

im not sure if I’m making sense sorry.

i do think I need to learn about small talk even if I hate it. Thank you for the reading suggestions. The only thing I feel about this is a lack of authenticity. I feel if I engage in small talk I am not being my most authentic self but I guess not engaging in it, is also causing me to feel ashamed and embarrassed. 

Thank you for your reply. That is good for me to keep in mind “why do you want to know?” I will remember that one. I like what you say - there is no obligation to answer questions. 

Thank you for your reply. I am glad I am not the only one. I agree with you that I respect honesty. For the most part people I meet do respect my honesty. I find because of how transparent and honest I am with people (unintentionally, like I say, it’s just the truth!) I find they too in return are honest and open with me. The main issue atm is navigating the conversations that are more one off where people do not know me yet and will not get to know me due to the situation. 

thank you for the suggestions. Yeah I do say that I can’t work atm due to health and leave it at that but I hadn’t thought of the whole thing of telling them I don’t feel comfortable answering questions so thank you for the suggestion. I will keep that in mind for the future. I find it hard to think oF these things on the spot. Now I feel silly that I hadn’t thought of that until you said… like I say, my brain just goes to the truth. 

I agree I wish everyone would just accept us all how we are rather than see it as “strange” or “oversharing” or whatever but unfortunately at least my experience is not this. 

I completely agree - I really do not understand the “how are you?” Question at all. I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand why someone asks this when they don’t actually want to know and also what I’m meant to say- like you do they mean my health or my work or ??? 

all great advise.

Thanks for your reply. I am glad I am not the only one. I don’t have many people I talk to even fewer that are autistic. My main challenge is talking to everyday random people like at my gym or day to day interactions with strangers or starting a new club or group etc. mainly who are all NT. I feel so deeply embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I then want to not go again just to avoid how embarrassed I feel about the reality of my life story 

I relate to that too! I don’t know how to change it. I just avoid talking much to NT people about personal stuff. I get much better understanding with ND people. They are also in many ways “odd” like me, so if we both over share to each other, then I don’t stress so much that I seem weird to them. My colleague at work has ADHD and BPD. Although he is doing much better in communication and social interactions than me, we both happily over share many things to each other and I could say we have some few things in common. I’m not sure if my coping strategy with the problem is good, but for me kinda working 

I can totally relate to that. Personally I will keep saying the truth, because it is something I also value a lot and kinda wish from other people, but I know the issues it can create.

I would not say its oversharing, maybe I would have given a more superficial answer like "I wasnt able to work due to health issues". If there is a question I do feel like its not a good thing to be honest I will say "I do prefer not to answer the question" or I distract with a different topic, but I will not lie. I feel its important to me not to lie so I try my best not to do it. But I find it very nice that you are so open to people as it of course also makes you vulnerable. I only take that "risk" with people I know a little, but it wasnt always that way. Used to be an open book.

I dont find feeling weird a negative feeling per se. It just shows you are different. Everyone is different, nobody is the same, so we are all kinda weird as everyone has an own "normal". Thats at least how I see it. Dont hate yourself. Be happy that you are actually an honest person that is having the courage to open up to people.

Worst question for me is "How are you?". My head keeps spinning here. I wonder in such a case how to know how I am. Is it my health, my private life, my work? I cant just sum all up so I never know what to answer. Usually I feel balanced.

I have come to rely on how my 'fight or flight' is feeling, relying on my body when I don't know how I feel.

If my body is in distress I will say "This is distressing, please stop."

If questions persist I might ask the reason for such deep probings; "why do you need to know?"

or leave, just walk away and find a place where I feel the distress subside.

One is under no obligation to answer questions. One is free to withhold if truth-telling will cause distress.

•

I often use binaural beats to get 'back to squares' after such encounters if I'm out in a public area.

AutismRox said:

when someone asks me a question I literally tell them the answer because that is the truth.

I would say you are chosing a truth you want to give rather than the one they probably want to hear.

I'm sure you have been told you are giving too much info, so you only have to shorten your answer.

So when they ask "how are you?" then tell them "I'm OK, how are you". It is truthful for that point in time, They didn't ask how have you been the last few years so why does this come into your answer?

This isn't meant as a criticism by the way, just using logic to help you realise your reasoning can be adjusted within your need of a framework of truth,

The truth is people mostly don't care how you are doing - it is a piece of small talk people use. Understanding it helps you answer appropriately, truthfully and nobody feels awkward for it.

AutismRox said:

I really struggle with navigating conversations without telling people my entire life stor

If you struggle then I would recommend learning a bit about small talk and with a few hours of study you will be able to have passable small talk without needing to give all this extra info.

I get it though - I was like this in my 20s but had girlfriends who taught me how to script and mask effectively (long before autism was recognised in the way it is now) so I didn't embarrass them.

If you really want to learn small talk (some people I speak to here refuse to learn saying others should just accept their poor conversational skills, so there is that) then there are a few books on the subject I can suggest:

How to Make Small Talk - Conversation Starters, Exercises, and Scenarios - Wadsworth, Melissa (2018)
ISBN 9781507204993

How to Talk to Anyone About Anything - Improve Your Social Skills, Master Small Talk, Connect Effortlessly, and Make Real Friends - W. Williams, James (2021)
ISBN‎ 195303635X

Stress-Free Small Talk - How to Master the Art of Conversation and Take Control of Your Social Anxiety - Gallagher LMFT, Richard S  (2020)
ISBN‎ 1641528958

Maybe just tell them you are autistic and have other health problems so are unable to work due to disability, then If they are nosy and ask what your health problems are maybe say something like "oh, you don't want to hear all my problems, what about you - what do you do"? This puts the conversation back in their court and you can just listen to them talk about themselves.

Or the second option: 

" What do you do? "

 "I'm a human being, not a human doing"

 although that may come across as a bit rude, so maybe not...

You are making sense.  I have puzzled for some time about the term "over-sharing".  I understand what it means, however, there is subjectivity at play - which bothers me that sometimes the way non-Autistic people deploy it insists some person gets to decide over another person what "the rules" are to be obeyed.  Sure, there are sensible guard rails to learn and practice for your safeguarding ...and yet, sometimes the dictatorial and judgemental overtones can impinge on Autistic culture.

I say that as; I have both lived in different international cultures and often worked among personnel drawn from many cultures.  The World is a wonderfully diverse place. 

There can be international cultural differences of e.g.: acceptable levels of enthusiasm, outward demonstrable exuberance, sociably acceptable speech volume outside of home, the topics of conversation with company, and the off-limits (or surprisingly not) lines of personal questioning - to list but a few parameters. 

I have enjoyed living, working and learning alongside people of very different styles, conversation content and habits to my own.  I did not tell them off for their differences.

Too much to ask / expect / demand / legislate that points of difference within Autistic community could and should be viewed, accepted, respected and celebrated likewise?

The truth will set you free.  You have to modify your behaviour around NT's though. If you desire their acceptance.

I can definitely relate. I'm not quite as full on as that, but the urge is there.

I am rubbish at lying. And if I have done it, it hangs over me for hours and then I have to confess. I have got into trouble, when it really would have been easier to keep my mouth shut.

Just this week, my wife accidentally wormed the dog (not our dog) after I had already done so. The dog was fine, but I still had to tell my wife's sister. That's not a great example because I was duty bound to tell her, but I've done things like that all my life.

It is a complicated one. I guess it would be considered oversharing if you gave someone the full thing without having eased into it, or if you didn't know them very well.