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Is it “oversharing” or is it not just simply honesty?

AutismRox

I always struggle with this. I find it incredibly difficult to say anything but the truth. But this means that sometimes I imagine I get viewed a little odd as it may come across as what other people call “oversharing” and therefore potentially not socially appropriate e.g. you may not tell the person you met at the gym your physical health problems. 

I take things very literally which ive learnt over time can cause problems socially and lead to me feeling very misunderstood. For example, when someone asks me a question I literally tell them the answer because that is the truth. I don’t know how to answer a question which is not the truth because then it would not be true. 

For example, I have a long list of odd symptoms after getting covid 2 years ago. But if someone asks me what I do for a living or how my day was I literally cannot lie. I just tell them the truth. I try to keep it generic so I don’t tell them my whole life story. The issue is people start asking more questions. So if I say “oh I’m not working atm as I haven’t been well the past 2 years” rather than respect that, they then ask me “oh what’s wrong” to which I begin to tell them all health problems post-covid. Or even worse if they ask “oh what did you do before you got sick?” I then cringe and don’t know how to answer that as I cannot and do not want to say “oh well I was misdiagnosed for a DECADE in the mental health system in hospital with a mental health condition I didn’t have and I was finally diagnosed as autistic and then I was due to leave hospital but I got covid for the first time whilst waiting for accommodation and then I spent the next 2 years acutely unwell I thought I was going to die so I haven’t actually been in work” ………

I’m not sure if I’m making sense or not and this is just 1 example but I really struggle with navigating conversations without telling people my entire life story and then panic that they think I’m weird and judge me and I leave feeling vulnerable and hating myself….not sure if anyone else can relate? I really find talking to people difficult, I really just do not understand how other people know what to say, when to say what and who to say what to….

Parents
  • AutismRox said:
    when someone asks me a question I literally tell them the answer because that is the truth.

    I would say you are chosing a truth you want to give rather than the one they probably want to hear.

    I'm sure you have been told you are giving too much info, so you only have to shorten your answer.

    So when they ask "how are you?" then tell them "I'm OK, how are you". It is truthful for that point in time, They didn't ask how have you been the last few years so why does this come into your answer?

    This isn't meant as a criticism by the way, just using logic to help you realise your reasoning can be adjusted within your need of a framework of truth,

    The truth is people mostly don't care how you are doing - it is a piece of small talk people use. Understanding it helps you answer appropriately, truthfully and nobody feels awkward for it.

    AutismRox said:
    I really struggle with navigating conversations without telling people my entire life stor

    If you struggle then I would recommend learning a bit about small talk and with a few hours of study you will be able to have passable small talk without needing to give all this extra info.

    I get it though - I was like this in my 20s but had girlfriends who taught me how to script and mask effectively (long before autism was recognised in the way it is now) so I didn't embarrass them.

    If you really want to learn small talk (some people I speak to here refuse to learn saying others should just accept their poor conversational skills, so there is that) then there are a few books on the subject I can suggest:

    How to Make Small Talk - Conversation Starters, Exercises, and Scenarios - Wadsworth, Melissa (2018)
    ISBN 9781507204993

    How to Talk to Anyone About Anything - Improve Your Social Skills, Master Small Talk, Connect Effortlessly, and Make Real Friends - W. Williams, James (2021)
    ISBN‎ 195303635X

    Stress-Free Small Talk - How to Master the Art of Conversation and Take Control of Your Social Anxiety - Gallagher LMFT, Richard S  (2020)
    ISBN‎ 1641528958

  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks so much for your message. It’s true I guess I give the answer that is true not the one they want to hear because the one they want to hear isn’t true or my reality. I struggle to lie and paint them a picture which does not reflect my life experience. Not only does it not sit well with me morally, but I cannot lie. I just struggle to make something up. 

    I actually haven’t ever been told that I am giving too much information, my honestly for the most part is generally respected and I find that because of my unintentional oversharing (in my head, it is not oversharing, it is just honesty) people actaully respect it and are honest and open with me as a result. My issue I guess are everyday random people I meet atm given I am not working. Those who don’t and won’t get to know me and how I am. I feel vulnerable and feel hatred towards myself because I can sense their aura has changed and they may be silent and it appear tense and awkward. It is in these circumstances I feel I have done something wrong by saying the truth and wish I hadn’t. 

    I guess the reason why it would come up is because my health is still ongoing so I hear what you are saying in that you are right, they haven’t asked about the past few years.  But because my health is still an everyday issue, it is my current reality if that makes sense? Or although a decade in the wrong system is now thankfully in the past, it has unfortunately impacted my current life. So it is hard when people want to know what I’ve done as a job before when I haven’t. 

    im not sure if I’m making sense sorry.

    i do think I need to learn about small talk even if I hate it. Thank you for the reading suggestions. The only thing I feel about this is a lack of authenticity. I feel if I engage in small talk I am not being my most authentic self but I guess not engaging in it, is also causing me to feel ashamed and embarrassed. 

Reply
  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks so much for your message. It’s true I guess I give the answer that is true not the one they want to hear because the one they want to hear isn’t true or my reality. I struggle to lie and paint them a picture which does not reflect my life experience. Not only does it not sit well with me morally, but I cannot lie. I just struggle to make something up. 

    I actually haven’t ever been told that I am giving too much information, my honestly for the most part is generally respected and I find that because of my unintentional oversharing (in my head, it is not oversharing, it is just honesty) people actaully respect it and are honest and open with me as a result. My issue I guess are everyday random people I meet atm given I am not working. Those who don’t and won’t get to know me and how I am. I feel vulnerable and feel hatred towards myself because I can sense their aura has changed and they may be silent and it appear tense and awkward. It is in these circumstances I feel I have done something wrong by saying the truth and wish I hadn’t. 

    I guess the reason why it would come up is because my health is still ongoing so I hear what you are saying in that you are right, they haven’t asked about the past few years.  But because my health is still an everyday issue, it is my current reality if that makes sense? Or although a decade in the wrong system is now thankfully in the past, it has unfortunately impacted my current life. So it is hard when people want to know what I’ve done as a job before when I haven’t. 

    im not sure if I’m making sense sorry.

    i do think I need to learn about small talk even if I hate it. Thank you for the reading suggestions. The only thing I feel about this is a lack of authenticity. I feel if I engage in small talk I am not being my most authentic self but I guess not engaging in it, is also causing me to feel ashamed and embarrassed. 

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for sharing this with me and explaining. I am very new to the whole thing of trying to understand what other people are actually asking me when they speak to me. My experience of NT are that they ask questions they don’t actually want to know the answer to and this is something I find incredibly confusing and quite frankly exhausting. I never know when someone is genuinely wanting to know something or not. Spend half my time overthinking about every thing I have said and if they actually meant something else or not. My brain works differently in thst I just say what I mean and there is no reading between the lines. I guess in a way I feel somewhat embarrassed that I have spent my whole life like this not understanding the social rules and therefore embarrassed that I thought people actually want to know how I am. In my head it makes no sense to me to ask someone how they are if they actually don’t want to know. To me, it is a waste of time and energy. I would much rather just smile or wave to someone to acknowledge them rather than ask them a question about themselves that I don’t wish to know. I find this world awfully confusing 

  • in reply to AutismRox
    AutismRox said:
    I feel if I engage in small talk I am not being my most authentic self

    If you think about it, a conversation you are having with someone that is primarily small talk doesn't require authenticity. People don't ask how you are because they want to know - it is just a sort of social nod to one another to acknowledge you are there.

    If you can get your head around what these interactions are about then it should help you realise that a scripted response is really what is being asked for, not your truth.

    A non-commital response followed by an open question is typically the best way to deal with these interactions and will let the other person lead into the next part if they are actually interested in conversing with you.

    No lies have been told in the exchanging of these pleasantries so you can feel sure have not compromised your morals on the matter and are likely to have sailed through the exchance with minimal social friction.

    AutismRox said:
    they haven’t asked about the past few years.

    This is a pretty sure sign that they feel awkward about the oversharing situation I think. You haven't done anything wrong, you just don't follow the norms they were expecting so they now feel it is a different sort of conversation that they are reluctant to go into as it is too personal.

    You may prefer to read on the subject if the dynamics are of concern - this book does a good job of breaking down the stuff we often struggle with (myself included):

    The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
    ISBN: 9781941765388