Is it “oversharing” or is it not just simply honesty?

I always struggle with this. I find it incredibly difficult to say anything but the truth. But this means that sometimes I imagine I get viewed a little odd as it may come across as what other people call “oversharing” and therefore potentially not socially appropriate e.g. you may not tell the person you met at the gym your physical health problems. 

I take things very literally which ive learnt over time can cause problems socially and lead to me feeling very misunderstood. For example, when someone asks me a question I literally tell them the answer because that is the truth. I don’t know how to answer a question which is not the truth because then it would not be true. 

For example, I have a long list of odd symptoms after getting covid 2 years ago. But if someone asks me what I do for a living or how my day was I literally cannot lie. I just tell them the truth. I try to keep it generic so I don’t tell them my whole life story. The issue is people start asking more questions. So if I say “oh I’m not working atm as I haven’t been well the past 2 years” rather than respect that, they then ask me “oh what’s wrong” to which I begin to tell them all health problems post-covid. Or even worse if they ask “oh what did you do before you got sick?” I then cringe and don’t know how to answer that as I cannot and do not want to say “oh well I was misdiagnosed for a DECADE in the mental health system in hospital with a mental health condition I didn’t have and I was finally diagnosed as autistic and then I was due to leave hospital but I got covid for the first time whilst waiting for accommodation and then I spent the next 2 years acutely unwell I thought I was going to die so I haven’t actually been in work” ………

I’m not sure if I’m making sense or not and this is just 1 example but I really struggle with navigating conversations without telling people my entire life story and then panic that they think I’m weird and judge me and I leave feeling vulnerable and hating myself….not sure if anyone else can relate? I really find talking to people difficult, I really just do not understand how other people know what to say, when to say what and who to say what to….

  • I also have this experience but I won it i like being odd that I dress strangely and speak my mind.

    In fact I have decided i would make a great chancellor of the exchequer I am just looking for someone to be prime minister.

  • Fine stands for:-

    F*cked up

    Insecure

    Neurotic

    Egotistical

    I've learnt to say, 'fine, how are you', this seems to be the expected response, its just social oil and keeps the conversational wheels moving.

    Good one Roy, some people really don't know when to stop asking questions, it never seems to occur to them that you might want to keep things private.

  • Thanks for your reply. Yes that is true I too am recently learning this about NT. I personally do not see the point in this at all but I am learning to do it/say it so that I don’t come across so odd 

  • Thanks for your reply. Yes that is true I too am recently learning this about NT. I personally do not see the point in this at all but I am learning to do it/say it so that I don’t come across so odd 

  • Thanks for your reply. Yes that is true I too am recently learning this about NT. I personally do not see the point in this at all but I am learning to do it/say it so that I don’t come across so odd 

  • I am also unfiltered if I am my most authentic self. For the most part people respect this but sometimes if someone doesn’t know me well, doesn’t know I am autistic or is judgemental, then my honesty and transparency and somewhat naivety can come across as odd 

  • Thank you for sharing this with me and explaining. I am very new to the whole thing of trying to understand what other people are actually asking me when they speak to me. My experience of NT are that they ask questions they don’t actually want to know the answer to and this is something I find incredibly confusing and quite frankly exhausting. I never know when someone is genuinely wanting to know something or not. Spend half my time overthinking about every thing I have said and if they actually meant something else or not. My brain works differently in thst I just say what I mean and there is no reading between the lines. I guess in a way I feel somewhat embarrassed that I have spent my whole life like this not understanding the social rules and therefore embarrassed that I thought people actually want to know how I am. In my head it makes no sense to me to ask someone how they are if they actually don’t want to know. To me, it is a waste of time and energy. I would much rather just smile or wave to someone to acknowledge them rather than ask them a question about themselves that I don’t wish to know. I find this world awfully confusing 

  • I completely relate to this! It’s only after the conversation do I think of or realise what I *should* have said.i then just feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself 

  • I’ve noticed neurotypical people ask, “how are you?” to each other. The only answer they expect is, “fine.” How you are actually feeling isn’t what they want. I’ve learned not to give too much away as it can be used again you at a later date.

    I was waiting at my doctors surgery a few weeks ago, I have noticed some chairs don’t have others next to them so I use them. The village ‘busy body’ was there and made a beeline for me, “And what’s wrong with you?” My reply was,” why, you a doctor?” I remembered to smile as well.

  • I am Mr Unfiltered people like this about me but it can cause offence!

  • I know that feeling of not thinking of things on the spot. It sadly happens to me all the time, I have no idea if it is the pressure I feel. Sometimes I think my brain turns off in situations that are uncommon or new to me (related to conversations with people). I am not able to access my brain properly then. When I am back home I feel like I could have said things much better and didnt react properly. I have no idea why that happens. Similar things happened when holding a presentation in university. I learned all I say, word for word ><

  • You can ask yourself a question (if you didn’t yet) - do you feel like you should talk to others, otherwise they would think something negative about you, but you don’t know what to talk about? I was told multiple times to stop over sharing so as a result I only say “hi” and hardly ever anything else. I stopped caring what others think about me and my behavior. I also talk to myself when I’m alone and imagine that there is someone listening to me and I over share everything I want to the invisible person, or talk about my interest and this way I kinda get rid of the charge and feel fresh and it on one hand helps me avoid overshare with others, on other hand I get even more used to this style of interaction so I totally forget how to make some small talk. It’s all hard and complicated 

  • I feel if I engage in small talk I am not being my most authentic self

    If you think about it, a conversation you are having with someone that is primarily small talk doesn't require authenticity. People don't ask how you are because they want to know - it is just a sort of social nod to one another to acknowledge you are there.

    If you can get your head around what these interactions are about then it should help you realise that a scripted response is really what is being asked for, not your truth.

    A non-commital response followed by an open question is typically the best way to deal with these interactions and will let the other person lead into the next part if they are actually interested in conversing with you.

    No lies have been told in the exchanging of these pleasantries so you can feel sure have not compromised your morals on the matter and are likely to have sailed through the exchance with minimal social friction.

    they haven’t asked about the past few years.

    This is a pretty sure sign that they feel awkward about the oversharing situation I think. You haven't done anything wrong, you just don't follow the norms they were expecting so they now feel it is a different sort of conversation that they are reluctant to go into as it is too personal.

    You may prefer to read on the subject if the dynamics are of concern - this book does a good job of breaking down the stuff we often struggle with (myself included):

    The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
    ISBN: 9781941765388

  • Thanks for your reply. It’s hard for me to know what people actually want to know. Often NT ask one thing but they don’t actually mean it. I find it awfully confusing and exhausting 

  • Thank you for your reply. I get what you are saying. I can relate 

  • Thank you for your reply. I will keep these suggestions in mind for the future

  • Thanks so much for your message. It’s true I guess I give the answer that is true not the one they want to hear because the one they want to hear isn’t true or my reality. I struggle to lie and paint them a picture which does not reflect my life experience. Not only does it not sit well with me morally, but I cannot lie. I just struggle to make something up. 

    I actually haven’t ever been told that I am giving too much information, my honestly for the most part is generally respected and I find that because of my unintentional oversharing (in my head, it is not oversharing, it is just honesty) people actaully respect it and are honest and open with me as a result. My issue I guess are everyday random people I meet atm given I am not working. Those who don’t and won’t get to know me and how I am. I feel vulnerable and feel hatred towards myself because I can sense their aura has changed and they may be silent and it appear tense and awkward. It is in these circumstances I feel I have done something wrong by saying the truth and wish I hadn’t. 

    I guess the reason why it would come up is because my health is still ongoing so I hear what you are saying in that you are right, they haven’t asked about the past few years.  But because my health is still an everyday issue, it is my current reality if that makes sense? Or although a decade in the wrong system is now thankfully in the past, it has unfortunately impacted my current life. So it is hard when people want to know what I’ve done as a job before when I haven’t. 

    im not sure if I’m making sense sorry.

    i do think I need to learn about small talk even if I hate it. Thank you for the reading suggestions. The only thing I feel about this is a lack of authenticity. I feel if I engage in small talk I am not being my most authentic self but I guess not engaging in it, is also causing me to feel ashamed and embarrassed. 

  • Thank you for your reply. That is good for me to keep in mind “why do you want to know?” I will remember that one. I like what you say - there is no obligation to answer questions. 

  • Thank you for your reply. I am glad I am not the only one. I agree with you that I respect honesty. For the most part people I meet do respect my honesty. I find because of how transparent and honest I am with people (unintentionally, like I say, it’s just the truth!) I find they too in return are honest and open with me. The main issue atm is navigating the conversations that are more one off where people do not know me yet and will not get to know me due to the situation. 

    thank you for the suggestions. Yeah I do say that I can’t work atm due to health and leave it at that but I hadn’t thought of the whole thing of telling them I don’t feel comfortable answering questions so thank you for the suggestion. I will keep that in mind for the future. I find it hard to think oF these things on the spot. Now I feel silly that I hadn’t thought of that until you said… like I say, my brain just goes to the truth. 

    I agree I wish everyone would just accept us all how we are rather than see it as “strange” or “oversharing” or whatever but unfortunately at least my experience is not this. 

    I completely agree - I really do not understand the “how are you?” Question at all. I will spend the rest of my life trying to understand why someone asks this when they don’t actually want to know and also what I’m meant to say- like you do they mean my health or my work or ??? 

  • all great advise.

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