Published on 12, July, 2020
I always struggle with this. I find it incredibly difficult to say anything but the truth. But this means that sometimes I imagine I get viewed a little odd as it may come across as what other people call “oversharing” and therefore potentially not socially appropriate e.g. you may not tell the person you met at the gym your physical health problems. I take things very literally which ive learnt over time can cause problems socially and lead to me feeling very misunderstood. For example, when someone asks me a question I literally tell them the answer because that is the truth. I don’t know how to answer a question which is not the truth because then it would not be true.
For example, I have a long list of odd symptoms after getting covid 2 years ago. But if someone asks me what I do for a living or how my day was I literally cannot lie. I just tell them the truth. I try to keep it generic so I don’t tell them my whole life story. The issue is people start asking more questions. So if I say “oh I’m not working atm as I haven’t been well the past 2 years” rather than respect that, they then ask me “oh what’s wrong” to which I begin to tell them all health problems post-covid. Or even worse if they ask “oh what did you do before you got sick?” I then cringe and don’t know how to answer that as I cannot and do not want to say “oh well I was misdiagnosed for a DECADE in the mental health system in hospital with a mental health condition I didn’t have and I was finally diagnosed as autistic and then I was due to leave hospital but I got covid for the first time whilst waiting for accommodation and then I spent the next 2 years acutely unwell I thought I was going to die so I haven’t actually been in work” ………
I’m not sure if I’m making sense or not and this is just 1 example but I really struggle with navigating conversations without telling people my entire life story and then panic that they think I’m weird and judge me and I leave feeling vulnerable and hating myself….not sure if anyone else can relate? I really find talking to people difficult, I really just do not understand how other people know what to say, when to say what and who to say what to….
AutismRox said: when someone asks me a question I literally tell them the answer because that is the truth.
I would say you are chosing a truth you want to give rather than the one they probably want to hear.
I'm sure you have been told you are giving too much info, so you only have to shorten your answer.
So when they ask "how are you?" then tell them "I'm OK, how are you". It is truthful for that point in time, They didn't ask how have you been the last few years so why does this come into your answer?
This isn't meant as a criticism by the way, just using logic to help you realise your reasoning can be adjusted within your need of a framework of truth,
The truth is people mostly don't care how you are doing - it is a piece of small talk people use. Understanding it helps you answer appropriately, truthfully and nobody feels awkward for it.
AutismRox said:I really struggle with navigating conversations without telling people my entire life stor
If you struggle then I would recommend learning a bit about small talk and with a few hours of study you will be able to have passable small talk without needing to give all this extra info.
I get it though - I was like this in my 20s but had girlfriends who taught me how to script and mask effectively (long before autism was recognised in the way it is now) so I didn't embarrass them.
If you really want to learn small talk (some people I speak to here refuse to learn saying others should just accept their poor conversational skills, so there is that) then there are a few books on the subject I can suggest:
How to Make Small Talk - Conversation Starters, Exercises, and Scenarios - Wadsworth, Melissa (2018)ISBN 9781507204993How to Talk to Anyone About Anything - Improve Your Social Skills, Master Small Talk, Connect Effortlessly, and Make Real Friends - W. Williams, James (2021)ISBN 195303635XStress-Free Small Talk - How to Master the Art of Conversation and Take Control of Your Social Anxiety - Gallagher LMFT, Richard S (2020)ISBN 1641528958
all great advise.