Is it okay to feel this way?

Ruth said:

I want to be normal. Is it okay to feel this way?

It is fine to feel this way - but have you thought it may be better to be genuinely you?

I don't want to push this too much since you have a strong preference to be something you are not, but the advantage to being genuine is it costs a heck of a lot less energy than to fake being "normal".

Ruth said:

I want a cure

I'm afraid there is no cure - your differences were "baked in" during your brains development at around the age of 5 and it is most definitely fixed in its current mode.

You can feel however you want to feel about the situation - this is your right but it changes nothing I'm afraid. Understanding and working with your differences is the way to feel better long term though.

Sorry for the bitter sweet answer but I find honesty the best policy.

I really want to conquer faking being normal. I don’t want the slightest bit of not appearing normal to shine through. It is exhausting but I work in nursing. I need to show that I’m capable and I start a new job next week.

I wonder why some people are neurodivergent and others are not. I’m quite late in realising it (21) but maybe because I’m female. I’ve had mental health problems all my life. I wish we knew more.

Ruth said:

I wonder why some people are neurodivergent and others are not.

Even science has not fully answered this yet so you are in good company.

Research is pointing towards it being genetic in cause (ie neurodivergence runs in the bloodline) so it most likely came from at least one of your parents.

Ruth said:

I really want to conquer faking being normal.

I get this. I had a 32 year career in IT that required me to fit in, especially when working as a manger. The job had high levels of customer facing, a lot of which was when they were upset about something not working so I developed a wide range of masking and scripting techniques to cope.

These all take a lot of mental energy to maintain and while they are effective they take their toll. I would often be exhausted at the end of the day and every few years I would change jobs as I needed a break or a change in order to reset (burnout).

I was diagnosed a few years ago and tried to unmask a lot more at work and it made them quite suspicious - they doubted my claims of being autistic because I was so "normal" to them then they thought I was untrustworthy if I had been faking it the while time before.

It is hard to "come out" as autistic after being in a role for a while but you should find that disclosing to the HR department that you are a diagnosed autist will allow you to ask for something called "reasonable adjustments" which can lessen the stresses on you.

When lowering your mask I would suggest doing it in stages as a rapid change in behaviour causes concern - and doing it bit by bit gives you time to adjust and adapt to the new behaviour.

A great thing about your position is that you are in a position to be a positive advocate for autism in your line of work.

What are the challanges you find most pronounced with your autism at work?

Ruth said:

I want them to think I am capable

I would like to think that your capability will be evidenced by your capability. From my own experience I was always worried about being judged by my colleagues. But when I was in a job that I loved I applied myself to it and I don't think anyone really doubted me - apart from myself sometimes.

Ruth said:

was initially diagnosed with C-PTSD

Interesting. I basically self-diagnosed C-PTSD because of my experiences at school. This meant that one psychiatrist did not diagnose autism because I had a narrative which explained how I was in terms of trauma. My current therapist, who specialises in trauma, does not think that the trauma explains how I am. She believes that I was more vulnerable to bullying at school because of autism. So I've been referred for a proper assessment.

It amazes me all the time in these forums when I see my experiences being reflected back at me. I'm slowly starting to believe that I might actually be autistic.

Good luck!

Ruth said:

I want them to think I am capable

I would like to think that your capability will be evidenced by your capability. From my own experience I was always worried about being judged by my colleagues. But when I was in a job that I loved I applied myself to it and I don't think anyone really doubted me - apart from myself sometimes.

Ruth said:

was initially diagnosed with C-PTSD

Interesting. I basically self-diagnosed C-PTSD because of my experiences at school. This meant that one psychiatrist did not diagnose autism because I had a narrative which explained how I was in terms of trauma. My current therapist, who specialises in trauma, does not think that the trauma explains how I am. She believes that I was more vulnerable to bullying at school because of autism. So I've been referred for a proper assessment.

It amazes me all the time in these forums when I see my experiences being reflected back at me. I'm slowly starting to believe that I might actually be autistic.

Good luck!