Published on 12, July, 2020
So, I can go to the theatre, have a walk, go to a cafe or restaurant, have city break, enjoy music - all with friends. But I find it excruciating having people in our house and having to host.
But, my other half would like to entertain at home, says I only want 4 chairs in the kitchen because I only want 4 people (not actually true - we have extra chairs elsewhere and don’t see the point in buying more).I have agreed to but haven’t suggested it because it causes me so much stress. This has gone on for a long time.
I have ASD. My partner, I’m 99% sure has too (he accepts his dad is but sees it as his failings and a mental problem).
We’ve been together 30 years. Lots of changes on the last few with impacts of Covid on family members, addiction, parents getting frail. I think he’s struggling with that and he describes how he feels like his whole world is imploding. He talks about how we don’t have as many friends any more. I am happy with my two good friends. Both used to be in relationships and we were friends as a four. He chooses not to come out with one of them.
I have suggested we start going to a board game evening in a pub to meet new people. He agreed but then has booked most Wednesdays on his own with other people (and it’s in our online diary so he knows). I think he wants his old life back and can’t accept it’s changed. I understand he wants more friends but want to look for new possibilities not dredge up old neighbours that we were never really friends with (He suggested them!) I am very clear cut about friends and acquaintances and they were most definitely acquaintances.
So what’s my point in writing? Relationship at breaking point. I think I would be happy on my own but think that is the easy way out. Tips maybe? Points of view? Something I’m missing? What do you do about friends? How do you cope with entertaining people? Do you relate to this?
I’m definitely going to try to do that, thank you. I don’t want to be in permanent retreat but it is very inviting sometimes.
I think you’re spot on and your reply helped enormously, thank you. Working on the journey… :)
It simply sounds, to me, that you and your other half are just at that "WTAF/disconbobulation" stage of life - mid fifties (ish.)
I've seen a variety of outcomes....but I don't think that's the point! It isn't the outcome/destination....it's the blo ody journey!!
I would imagine that, whether one is single, coupled, divorced, playing away, thrupled....or howsoever arranged in this stage of life.....things are tough, unsettling and confusing.
Accordingly, I think it is useful to just remember that this part of our "life's journey" is a bug ger to navigate and it is REALLY important not to conflate that with (or scapegoat) any particular part of our lives as the "culprit" for our "unhappiness."
Buy the chairs, or don't. Get new friends, or don't. Separate, or don't. I believe that these things are fluff that disguise the fact that we all "change" a fair bit at this age. Us folk (generally) don't like change!
Good luck with your "stuff to deal with"
Number (yes, in my "Hawaii 5 0 years")
I can only advise you persevere with social interaction. I have ended up in permanent retreat from humanity.Can you strike some sort of balance? I think many of us on the spectrum think in absolutes and that kind of thinking can get us in trouble.
I totally understand your mindset and appreciate your viewpoint. We wouldn’t still be together if we’d had kids. He is a good person. Off to work out how I’m going to explain my point of view. THANK YOU.
Hi There,
I feel for you .I myself cannot do relationships and have decided that I am never going to marry or have a family.I ma happy with that I know I would be too needy and would hate the insecurity .Even short term dating did my head in when to text do they like me etc.
However you have been together a long time so for me I think you should work through your concerns as your partner sounds a good person.You just need to explain where you are and come to a compromise.
Better be careful as I am a single person giving marriage guidance!
I haven’t quite got to that point but you’re right and I have said that we need to do it together and he can do the food (I’ll have to let go of that worry!) It is all those things that add to the stress, on top of the space invasion. I cannot enjoy the evening because I’m on edge that everything is alright and my meal has gone OK and we’re not running out of conversation. I need to be careful what I wish for, I know, but a quiet house, my space, suits me down to the ground. We’ve got some work to do, that’s for sure. Thanks for sharing your views; they’re helpful to hear.
I think you’re right. I’m putting together my thoughts and have added this to them along with the ‘service’ idea. Good one! Thank you :)
TheListener said:So what’s my point in writing? Relationship at breaking point. I think I would be happy on my own but think that is the easy way out. Tips maybe? Points of view?
2 words sum up my recommendation. Couples Counselling.
There are issues of denial and disrespect from your partner over autism which are damaging and their own version of a mid life crisis on things changing - and quite possibly the frailty of parents reminding him of his own mortality.
Getting a therapist experienced with autistic people will help you find ways to look under those rocks and find ways to deal with the issues, process them and find ways to work towards being closer.
There are a lot of tools in the toolbox of a therapist that can help but it requires both partners to want to be there to make the relationship work. You also need to be prepared in case the outcome is that you would be better off apart - this can happen.
Maybe sell the idea as more of a relationship "100,000 mile service" to get him to find it less threatening.
That would be my approach.
TheListener said:my other half would like to entertain at home
I would be saying go for it, but that they do all the work - planning, buying in supplies, polishing the silver, invites, washing the floor, preparing the food, serving the food, making sure there is toilet roll and the towels are clean, washing dishes or loading and unloading the dishwasher etc. Otherwise, he doesn't know what is involved, all he is thinking of is the people being there - which is nice, but like the tip of the iceberg.
My home is my safe, quiet space. I don't have a partner, but I still rarely have people round. My neighbours pop in for 15 mins to exchange Christmas presents/cards once a year. My home help is here for 1h a week. Occasionally I have a friend over for coffee if I am too tired to go out. But the dinner party thing was always stressful, I'd spend all my time in the kitchen getting things sorted while my friends were in the living room socialising, relaxing and eating. And not speaking to me. So I don't do it any more.