Published on 12, July, 2020
So, I can go to the theatre, have a walk, go to a cafe or restaurant, have city break, enjoy music - all with friends. But I find it excruciating having people in our house and having to host.
But, my other half would like to entertain at home, says I only want 4 chairs in the kitchen because I only want 4 people (not actually true - we have extra chairs elsewhere and don’t see the point in buying more).I have agreed to but haven’t suggested it because it causes me so much stress. This has gone on for a long time.
I have ASD. My partner, I’m 99% sure has too (he accepts his dad is but sees it as his failings and a mental problem).
We’ve been together 30 years. Lots of changes on the last few with impacts of Covid on family members, addiction, parents getting frail. I think he’s struggling with that and he describes how he feels like his whole world is imploding. He talks about how we don’t have as many friends any more. I am happy with my two good friends. Both used to be in relationships and we were friends as a four. He chooses not to come out with one of them.
I have suggested we start going to a board game evening in a pub to meet new people. He agreed but then has booked most Wednesdays on his own with other people (and it’s in our online diary so he knows). I think he wants his old life back and can’t accept it’s changed. I understand he wants more friends but want to look for new possibilities not dredge up old neighbours that we were never really friends with (He suggested them!) I am very clear cut about friends and acquaintances and they were most definitely acquaintances.
So what’s my point in writing? Relationship at breaking point. I think I would be happy on my own but think that is the easy way out. Tips maybe? Points of view? Something I’m missing? What do you do about friends? How do you cope with entertaining people? Do you relate to this?
It simply sounds, to me, that you and your other half are just at that "WTAF/disconbobulation" stage of life - mid fifties (ish.)
I've seen a variety of outcomes....but I don't think that's the point! It isn't the outcome/destination....it's the blo ody journey!!
I would imagine that, whether one is single, coupled, divorced, playing away, thrupled....or howsoever arranged in this stage of life.....things are tough, unsettling and confusing.
Accordingly, I think it is useful to just remember that this part of our "life's journey" is a bug ger to navigate and it is REALLY important not to conflate that with (or scapegoat) any particular part of our lives as the "culprit" for our "unhappiness."
Buy the chairs, or don't. Get new friends, or don't. Separate, or don't. I believe that these things are fluff that disguise the fact that we all "change" a fair bit at this age. Us folk (generally) don't like change!
Good luck with your "stuff to deal with"
Number (yes, in my "Hawaii 5 0 years")
I think you’re spot on and your reply helped enormously, thank you. Working on the journey… :)