End of a Marriage Due to Neurodivergence

I've been married for 8 years, but I fear the marriage has reached an end. My wife is neurotypical, and it's only recently that I've discovered I am neurodivergent. We've always had problems that focused on my inability to display and understand emotions. To her I seem uncaring and undemonstrative. I don't react to her distress or problems in a overwhelmingly empathetic way. I misread cues and react in atypical ways. 

When we come into conflict, I will inevitably reach a meltdown. Sometimes it's rage, but mostly I just shut down. My brain grinds to a halt, I struggle to process what's going on, I feel intense anxiety and I feel overwhelmed to the point where shutting down is the only thing I can do. I lose my ability to reason and discuss anything.

Things seem to have finally reached a tipping point. She feels that I will never be able to overcome what she sees as emotional shortcomings. She has even gone so far as to claim that my autism diagnosis has and will become an excuse for me to not meet her demands. In turn, I feel like I will never be able to make her happy, given that I process the things that happen to us in an entirely different way. I can't help it. 

I love her dearly, and I hate how I so often hurt her feelings, without meaning to at all. It seems like a situation with no good solution, and perhaps walking away is the best thing to do. 

I'm not looking for sympathy, but it sure would be a comfort to me to hear other people's stories like this one. When we are in a situation like this, what are we supposed to do? 

  • Good point. 

  • Thank you for responding. Some interesting ideas there, and I will definitely take a look at that book. It does feel like we speak different languages. 

  • I agree that relationship counselling would be a good idea, it may or may not help you to stay together but at least you will both have a clearer understanding of why you're parting and support you through it.

    I've had a succession of relationships that have ended, I refuse to use the word failed, because that's not how I see it, they've just run their course. I've often been the one to end things, this was all before diagnosis, but autism was still there behind many of the issues. I'd be wary of taking on all the emotional responsibility if your relationship ends, it's very easy to do and for others to make it all about you and not realising that there are two people in a relationship, I was always open about my issues and my ex was very keen to keep the theraputic attention on me and not him, he never took any responsibility for what went wrong.

    Could you write her a letter explaining what you feel and why, what her pain does to you emotionally?

    I would also ask you to think of any instances where you've not felt supported by her, not listened too, gaslit or shut down, don't put them in a letter, but take them to therapy.

    You could also look at a thing called the 5 languages of love, the book itself is very Christian, but I think when you strip away the religious aspect it's very interesting and if you can both identify what "language you each speak", then you can learn how to offer some meaningful support to eachother, not just when things are bad, but on a daily basis.

    Good luck with it all.

  • It can't hurt.  

    It would probably help if you rephrased that when speaking to your wife and said something more like "I want to fight for the relationship" - it may be semantics to you and me but the phrasology carries a lot more to NTs.

  • I really appreciate your input, thank you so much. I will take a look at the list and see if maybe this is a viable option for my wife and I. It can't hurt.  

  • Thank you so much for your kindness and advice. 

  • I really do wish you both well. You obviously love each other very much & are not ready to give up on one another.
    Some times it takes a little time for things to sink in, to come to terms with what you want is not necessary what you are going to get. Maybe ttime is all she needs. Then comes acceptance & then choice - which way to go forward. I hope it is a path you take together Hugging

  • When we are in a situation like this, what are we supposed to do? 

    Sorry to hear this - I've been in a similar situation and have one suggestion that worked for us. Therapy.

    My opinion is that you need therapy with a therapist well versed in autism and emotional regulation to help you understand it and develop management techniques to make it less problematic. A good list of therapists is here (I've already added filters for you but add more using the FILTER button):

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=autism&spec=166

    Simultaneously I would recommend having a blunt and open conversation with your wife saying you really want the marriage to work and would she consider joining you in relationship therapy.

    Point out that you are getting help for the issues you talked about above and want to get professional help in dealing with how this has affected you both and how you can work on it together.

    Personally I would focus on the "us" part here rather than just "me / my autism" as your partner has become collateral damage and you need her to understand and work with you through this together.

    You need to make a lot of effort to listen to what she says here and pay attention to it. The therapist should use some reflection techniques to make you repeat back but rephrase what your wife says to make sure you understand it. This may be harder than it sounds.

    I really struggled with this part and it gave me a lot to work on in my individual sessions.

    If you choose to use the same therapist for both individual and couples therapy, it is worth considering to have an open access agreement that nothing is kept from your partner. This is a choice but by doing it you are being completely honest with them IF they want to ask about something - if you have something to hide then don't do this obviously.

    It is likely to be painful and challenging but is worth exposing youself to it for the sake of the relationship and for your personal growth to deal with your issues.

    Hopefully the authority of the therapist will give more credence to your wifes willingness to believe some of the aspects of your autism which may seem suspicious to her.

    That's all I have on this - do with it what you will but good luck.

  • Thanks for responding. Yes, she does understand what being neurodivergent is, but she struggles to put the theory and the understanding into practice, especially when it clashes with her own emotional issues. We've talked about it and she has done her own research, too. I can't fault her intention, but the application is not there. Not yet, anyway. 

  • I wonder Captain Grover (great name BTW! :), does your wife understand what being neurodivergent is? I mean really understand, what it means for you.
      Do you think that she is struggling to come to terms with your diagnosis? It sounds like she is have a pretty difficult time understanding what it all means. Have you had the chance to sit down together & maybe go through some of the traits with her, talk through them in a calm & in-depth way so she fully understands where you are coming from?
    Maybe you could asking for some time out when you can sit down quietly together. Have a list of things you'd like to explain to her or if the conversations get too heated, could you possible write her a letter. She would then be able to read it in her own time.
    She needs to come to terms that demanding something from you that you cannot give is not the way to go. And to understand that it does not mean you don't care because you don't react the way she wants you to.