End of a Marriage Due to Neurodivergence

Good point. 

Thank you for responding. Some interesting ideas there, and I will definitely take a look at that book. It does feel like we speak different languages. 

I agree that relationship counselling would be a good idea, it may or may not help you to stay together but at least you will both have a clearer understanding of why you're parting and support you through it.

I've had a succession of relationships that have ended, I refuse to use the word failed, because that's not how I see it, they've just run their course. I've often been the one to end things, this was all before diagnosis, but autism was still there behind many of the issues. I'd be wary of taking on all the emotional responsibility if your relationship ends, it's very easy to do and for others to make it all about you and not realising that there are two people in a relationship, I was always open about my issues and my ex was very keen to keep the theraputic attention on me and not him, he never took any responsibility for what went wrong.

Could you write her a letter explaining what you feel and why, what her pain does to you emotionally?

I would also ask you to think of any instances where you've not felt supported by her, not listened too, gaslit or shut down, don't put them in a letter, but take them to therapy.

You could also look at a thing called the 5 languages of love, the book itself is very Christian, but I think when you strip away the religious aspect it's very interesting and if you can both identify what "language you each speak", then you can learn how to offer some meaningful support to eachother, not just when things are bad, but on a daily basis.

Good luck with it all.

My experience of therapy wasn't a great one as my husband didn't talk and I did. 

Sorry it worked out that way.

Sometimes when you get to the point of agreeing to the counselling then one party may already have checked out already and is just going through the motions.

I recall our therapist saying that the power is held by the person who cares less - sad but actually quite true.

Communication is definitley the key to working out a solution so while it can be painful at times, open and honest communication (not just talking at the other person) is vital.

Like another post I was going to bring up the idea of therapy but figured you may already have tried that.  My experience of therapy wasn't a great one as my husband didn't talk and I did.  It sounds like your marriage despite having challenges does have open communication which would work great with having a marriage counsellor.  Have you both spoken about different styles of "love language"?  Understanding how you each show love and receive it may also be helpful if you haven't already discussed this?

Captain Grover said:

It can't hurt.  

It would probably help if you rephrased that when speaking to your wife and said something more like "I want to fight for the relationship" - it may be semantics to you and me but the phrasology carries a lot more to NTs.

I really appreciate your input, thank you so much. I will take a look at the list and see if maybe this is a viable option for my wife and I. It can't hurt.  

Perhaps that's what's needed?  If it worked then, maybe living together put too much pressure on the marriage?  Breaks from each other I think helps because it allows the persons to miss each other and see the positives or the space to think about the negatives and how that's impacting them.  I'm probably not the best person to talk with about this though as I tend to cut relationships off at the first sign of incompatibility..... :-/

Yes, I agree. And we have sometimes discussed the possibility of living apart for the sake of the relationship. We started out with a lot of distance between us and made it work. 

Thank you so much for your kindness and advice. 

It is exhausting and you will both make the decision that works for you as individuals as well as a team.  My mum is dating a man who's married but hasn't been in a relationship with his wife for decades.  They live in a large house in separate wings.  My mum is happy living alone and dating him as he is with her.  I think living separately is the key to making a relationship work because each person actually has their own time and space to just be.  I'm a hugely emotional person which means a lot of masking for the sake of others.  People in general are exhausting because compromises always have to be made but it shouldn't be at the expense of who the person is in their core unless they are able to recognise and work to change that. Sad but true.  Perhaps things will improve with the marriage after this difficult patch or maybe you've both realised you're not compatible however much love is there.  It's heartbreaking but things really do have a way of working out for the best I feel whatever that looks like.

I really do wish you both well. You obviously love each other very much & are not ready to give up on one another.
Some times it takes a little time for things to sink in, to come to terms with what you want is not necessary what you are going to get. Maybe ttime is all she needs. Then comes acceptance & then choice - which way to go forward. I hope it is a path you take together 

Captain Grover said:

When we are in a situation like this, what are we supposed to do? 

Sorry to hear this - I've been in a similar situation and have one suggestion that worked for us. Therapy.

My opinion is that you need therapy with a therapist well versed in autism and emotional regulation to help you understand it and develop management techniques to make it less problematic. A good list of therapists is here (I've already added filters for you but add more using the FILTER button):

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=autism&spec=166

Simultaneously I would recommend having a blunt and open conversation with your wife saying you really want the marriage to work and would she consider joining you in relationship therapy.

Point out that you are getting help for the issues you talked about above and want to get professional help in dealing with how this has affected you both and how you can work on it together.

Personally I would focus on the "us" part here rather than just "me / my autism" as your partner has become collateral damage and you need her to understand and work with you through this together.

You need to make a lot of effort to listen to what she says here and pay attention to it. The therapist should use some reflection techniques to make you repeat back but rephrase what your wife says to make sure you understand it. This may be harder than it sounds.

I really struggled with this part and it gave me a lot to work on in my individual sessions.

If you choose to use the same therapist for both individual and couples therapy, it is worth considering to have an open access agreement that nothing is kept from your partner. This is a choice but by doing it you are being completely honest with them IF they want to ask about something - if you have something to hide then don't do this obviously.

It is likely to be painful and challenging but is worth exposing youself to it for the sake of the relationship and for your personal growth to deal with your issues.

Hopefully the authority of the therapist will give more credence to your wifes willingness to believe some of the aspects of your autism which may seem suspicious to her.

That's all I have on this - do with it what you will but good luck.

They really are. So many times I thought I was doing the right thing, but found out otherwise. So many times I was left baffled and bewildered by the responses to things I thought were reasonable and loving. It's exhausting.  

Thanks for responding. Yes, she does understand what being neurodivergent is, but she struggles to put the theory and the understanding into practice, especially when it clashes with her own emotional issues. We've talked about it and she has done her own research, too. I can't fault her intention, but the application is not there. Not yet, anyway. 

I wonder Captain Grover (great name BTW! :), does your wife understand what being neurodivergent is? I mean really understand, what it means for you.
  Do you think that she is struggling to come to terms with your diagnosis? It sounds like she is have a pretty difficult time understanding what it all means. Have you had the chance to sit down together & maybe go through some of the traits with her, talk through them in a calm & in-depth way so she fully understands where you are coming from?
Maybe you could asking for some time out when you can sit down quietly together. Have a list of things you'd like to explain to her or if the conversations get too heated, could you possible write her a letter. She would then be able to read it in her own time.
She needs to come to terms that demanding something from you that you cannot give is not the way to go. And to understand that it does not mean you don't care because you don't react the way she wants you to.

Yes, it could be that your individual differences are just not workable which is incredibly sad but 8 years is a measure of the effort you both put in to the marriage.  I got to 10 years with mine but left because, like you hinted, everyone has problems whatever their neurotype.  Relationships are hard work and not always feasible I find. :-(

Thank you for responding. We have discussed more than once the reality of how I perceive and process things. She's not someone who will dismiss the notion out of hand, but being neurotypical doesn't mean having no issues of your own and unfortunately she struggles to view any demonstration of love that has to be asked for and explained as lacking authenticity. It rather leaves us at an impasse considering that is what I often require. 

Captain Grover,

It's so upsetting to hear both your wife and yourself are facing this.  

The only solution I see is for her to have more direct communication with you about how she's feeling so you don't have to guess when you are unable to read her.  The issue is (pointing out the obvious I know) that she may not believe that you can't read her emotions because she's coming from an emotional place and is able to read yours.  If there's clear communication about her needs and yours it's workable but it sounds like you're both dealing with your own hurts about how the relationship has already played out.  My marriage split because of very similar reasons.  Sometimes relationships aren't workable but if there's love there, I believe it's worth a shot.  Have you shown your wife this post?  That could help her see that you really do care and want to make it work?

Best wishes to you.