Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been married for 8 years, but I fear the marriage has reached an end. My wife is neurotypical, and it's only recently that I've discovered I am neurodivergent. We've always had problems that focused on my inability to display and understand emotions. To her I seem uncaring and undemonstrative. I don't react to her distress or problems in a overwhelmingly empathetic way. I misread cues and react in atypical ways.
When we come into conflict, I will inevitably reach a meltdown. Sometimes it's rage, but mostly I just shut down. My brain grinds to a halt, I struggle to process what's going on, I feel intense anxiety and I feel overwhelmed to the point where shutting down is the only thing I can do. I lose my ability to reason and discuss anything.
Things seem to have finally reached a tipping point. She feels that I will never be able to overcome what she sees as emotional shortcomings. She has even gone so far as to claim that my autism diagnosis has and will become an excuse for me to not meet her demands. In turn, I feel like I will never be able to make her happy, given that I process the things that happen to us in an entirely different way. I can't help it.
I love her dearly, and I hate how I so often hurt her feelings, without meaning to at all. It seems like a situation with no good solution, and perhaps walking away is the best thing to do.
I'm not looking for sympathy, but it sure would be a comfort to me to hear other people's stories like this one. When we are in a situation like this, what are we supposed to do?
I wonder Captain Grover (great name BTW! :), does your wife understand what being neurodivergent is? I mean really understand, what it means for you. Do you think that she is struggling to come to terms with your diagnosis? It sounds like she is have a pretty difficult time understanding what it all means. Have you had the chance to sit down together & maybe go through some of the traits with her, talk through them in a calm & in-depth way so she fully understands where you are coming from?Maybe you could asking for some time out when you can sit down quietly together. Have a list of things you'd like to explain to her or if the conversations get too heated, could you possible write her a letter. She would then be able to read it in her own time.She needs to come to terms that demanding something from you that you cannot give is not the way to go. And to understand that it does not mean you don't care because you don't react the way she wants you to.
Thanks for responding. Yes, she does understand what being neurodivergent is, but she struggles to put the theory and the understanding into practice, especially when it clashes with her own emotional issues. We've talked about it and she has done her own research, too. I can't fault her intention, but the application is not there. Not yet, anyway.
Thank you so much for your kindness and advice.
I really do wish you both well. You obviously love each other very much & are not ready to give up on one another. Some times it takes a little time for things to sink in, to come to terms with what you want is not necessary what you are going to get. Maybe ttime is all she needs. Then comes acceptance & then choice - which way to go forward. I hope it is a path you take together