Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been married for 8 years, but I fear the marriage has reached an end. My wife is neurotypical, and it's only recently that I've discovered I am neurodivergent. We've always had problems that focused on my inability to display and understand emotions. To her I seem uncaring and undemonstrative. I don't react to her distress or problems in a overwhelmingly empathetic way. I misread cues and react in atypical ways.
When we come into conflict, I will inevitably reach a meltdown. Sometimes it's rage, but mostly I just shut down. My brain grinds to a halt, I struggle to process what's going on, I feel intense anxiety and I feel overwhelmed to the point where shutting down is the only thing I can do. I lose my ability to reason and discuss anything.
Things seem to have finally reached a tipping point. She feels that I will never be able to overcome what she sees as emotional shortcomings. She has even gone so far as to claim that my autism diagnosis has and will become an excuse for me to not meet her demands. In turn, I feel like I will never be able to make her happy, given that I process the things that happen to us in an entirely different way. I can't help it.
I love her dearly, and I hate how I so often hurt her feelings, without meaning to at all. It seems like a situation with no good solution, and perhaps walking away is the best thing to do.
I'm not looking for sympathy, but it sure would be a comfort to me to hear other people's stories like this one. When we are in a situation like this, what are we supposed to do?
I agree that relationship counselling would be a good idea, it may or may not help you to stay together but at least you will both have a clearer understanding of why you're parting and support you through it.
I've had a succession of relationships that have ended, I refuse to use the word failed, because that's not how I see it, they've just run their course. I've often been the one to end things, this was all before diagnosis, but autism was still there behind many of the issues. I'd be wary of taking on all the emotional responsibility if your relationship ends, it's very easy to do and for others to make it all about you and not realising that there are two people in a relationship, I was always open about my issues and my ex was very keen to keep the theraputic attention on me and not him, he never took any responsibility for what went wrong.
Could you write her a letter explaining what you feel and why, what her pain does to you emotionally?
I would also ask you to think of any instances where you've not felt supported by her, not listened too, gaslit or shut down, don't put them in a letter, but take them to therapy.
You could also look at a thing called the 5 languages of love, the book itself is very Christian, but I think when you strip away the religious aspect it's very interesting and if you can both identify what "language you each speak", then you can learn how to offer some meaningful support to eachother, not just when things are bad, but on a daily basis.
Good luck with it all.
Thank you for responding. Some interesting ideas there, and I will definitely take a look at that book. It does feel like we speak different languages.