Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been married for 8 years, but I fear the marriage has reached an end. My wife is neurotypical, and it's only recently that I've discovered I am neurodivergent. We've always had problems that focused on my inability to display and understand emotions. To her I seem uncaring and undemonstrative. I don't react to her distress or problems in a overwhelmingly empathetic way. I misread cues and react in atypical ways.
When we come into conflict, I will inevitably reach a meltdown. Sometimes it's rage, but mostly I just shut down. My brain grinds to a halt, I struggle to process what's going on, I feel intense anxiety and I feel overwhelmed to the point where shutting down is the only thing I can do. I lose my ability to reason and discuss anything.
Things seem to have finally reached a tipping point. She feels that I will never be able to overcome what she sees as emotional shortcomings. She has even gone so far as to claim that my autism diagnosis has and will become an excuse for me to not meet her demands. In turn, I feel like I will never be able to make her happy, given that I process the things that happen to us in an entirely different way. I can't help it.
I love her dearly, and I hate how I so often hurt her feelings, without meaning to at all. It seems like a situation with no good solution, and perhaps walking away is the best thing to do.
I'm not looking for sympathy, but it sure would be a comfort to me to hear other people's stories like this one. When we are in a situation like this, what are we supposed to do?
Captain Grover said:When we are in a situation like this, what are we supposed to do?
Sorry to hear this - I've been in a similar situation and have one suggestion that worked for us. Therapy.
My opinion is that you need therapy with a therapist well versed in autism and emotional regulation to help you understand it and develop management techniques to make it less problematic. A good list of therapists is here (I've already added filters for you but add more using the FILTER button):
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling/england?category=autism&spec=166
Simultaneously I would recommend having a blunt and open conversation with your wife saying you really want the marriage to work and would she consider joining you in relationship therapy.
Point out that you are getting help for the issues you talked about above and want to get professional help in dealing with how this has affected you both and how you can work on it together.
Personally I would focus on the "us" part here rather than just "me / my autism" as your partner has become collateral damage and you need her to understand and work with you through this together.
You need to make a lot of effort to listen to what she says here and pay attention to it. The therapist should use some reflection techniques to make you repeat back but rephrase what your wife says to make sure you understand it. This may be harder than it sounds.
I really struggled with this part and it gave me a lot to work on in my individual sessions.
If you choose to use the same therapist for both individual and couples therapy, it is worth considering to have an open access agreement that nothing is kept from your partner. This is a choice but by doing it you are being completely honest with them IF they want to ask about something - if you have something to hide then don't do this obviously.
It is likely to be painful and challenging but is worth exposing youself to it for the sake of the relationship and for your personal growth to deal with your issues.
Hopefully the authority of the therapist will give more credence to your wifes willingness to believe some of the aspects of your autism which may seem suspicious to her.
That's all I have on this - do with it what you will but good luck.
I really appreciate your input, thank you so much. I will take a look at the list and see if maybe this is a viable option for my wife and I. It can't hurt.
Captain Grover said:It can't hurt.
It would probably help if you rephrased that when speaking to your wife and said something more like "I want to fight for the relationship" - it may be semantics to you and me but the phrasology carries a lot more to NTs.
Good point.