Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone I'm new on here. I would appreciate it if someone could give me some advice. My son lives by himself his flat is in a disgusting state. When I try to help him he says mind yr own business. Even with the support he gets he does'nt listen to them. I love my son but I'm so worried about him. He's on his computer 24/7. I don't know what to do. If I tried to speak to anyone about him for some help. People who know about autism they go back and tell him instead of it being a private conversation. Which make the relationship with my son worse. I really don't know what to do. Any suggests to what I can do to help my son would be appreciated.
NAS94159 said: When I try to help him he says mind yr own business.
If he is an adult and not a threat to others then let him be.
I'm sure you wouldn't want people with different standards trying to force their ideas on you.
I'm not sure this is necessarily down to his autism but possibly more that he spends all his time online and doesn't care about the other material trappings (eg tidiness, cleanliness and hygine) that you do.
If it is likely to lead to him losing his flat (eg landlord unhappy) then make the case clearly for this, but if he rejects it then let him deal with the consequences. It is the best learning solution.
If he is a risk to others and you believe the situation is dire then the last ditch solution could be to cut the phone line leading to the house if it is an option. Technically this would be criminal damage so you may have to face the consequnces, but it should give him the time to sit with little to do and realise what is going on around him. I would not reccomend this.
One thing we autistic people do differently from neurotypicals (which I am guessing you are), is that we don't tend to judge people. Either we don't judge at all because we have so few expectations from that 'inference' neurotypicals assume everyone behaves, or because we just accept people at face value without constantly questioning their motives.
Try not to take your own values, beliefs, standards, hygiene etc. and apply them to your son. We have our own ways of doing things, and often the internal reasons for doing them are complex.
E.g. some people might judge I am disgusting because I only wash my hair once a week. If I had a choice I wouldn't wash it at all, because I don't like the feeling on my scalp, and I really don't like getting water in my eyes and ears. Some people might judge me as disgusting because I try to wear the same clothes (not underwear) for a week. But I don't like changing them, they only start to feel comfortable after I've worn them a few days, it is good for the environment to only wash things when they are dirty or smelly, and I don't do manual labour so am not getting them stinky. I can only wash the dishes if the temperature of the water is just right, so I fill the sink and leave it to cool - but often forget to go back when it's the right temperature to wash them!
It is hard asking for help. I got into a difficult situation similar to your son, and gave in and got a home help. She annoys me more than she helps. She keeps moving my stuff to the wrong place, doesn't put the stuff in the washing machine properly, doesn't hang things properly on the clotheshorse, keeps losing my socks (when I make sure I wash them as a pair, one inside the other), throws out bottles, jars, hand soap etc. when there's still some left in the bottom and puts stuff away in the wrong place in the kitchen. She also chats for the full hour about pointless topics. Is it worth it, to me, to have a clean kitchen and bathroom? Some days I really wonder.