Published on 12, July, 2020
Why does it seem that women do the majority of the work in relationships? It seems that we do the childcare, the housework, the emotional work of keeping everyone happy-ish, be the appointments and social secretary's, the shoppers and cooks and have full time jobs? It's not just me that thinks this, many studies show the same thing. I've met so many women who feel that they don't have a partner, but an extra child, this often lead to the breakdown of the relationship.
Its starting to make me think that all hetrosexual relationships are inherently abusive, I can't speak for same sex ones as I've never had one.
I know I'm going to get flak for this post, but I'm going for it anyway. I'd love to hear from people who have successfull relationships and what they're secrets are, not that I want another relationship, I'm just curious.
TheCatWoman said:Why does it seem that women do the majority of the work in relationships?
I can think of a few reasons:
1 - you are grom Gen-x or borderline Boomer if I recall correctly - this was a social norm when our age groups grew up as the female presence in the workforce was much smaller than it is now.
There imprinted gender roles tend to stay with us unless we conciously work to change them.
2 - the minds of men and women tend to have different ideas about what is acceptable with standards of cleanliness or orgnaisation, so the male will typically only load the dishwasher when he runs out of bowls, wash clothes when he has no socks left etc.
I believe any couple need to take the time to establish ground rules and review them regularly to make sure the workload of day-to-day life is fair. I don't mean equal as there are many cases where some chores are not typically favoured by women.
Men will typically get the heavy or messy jobs - digging the garden, mowing the lawn, taking out the havy. stinky rubbish bag etc. I'm sure most women would be quite capable of this but in every relationship I know of these sort of tasks are delegated to the male or stronger partner in the couple.
In this day and age there is typically not a lot of difference in the working overhead of each sex so this is unlikely to be a factor for working couples.
For couples with young children then the dynamic can be very different. It becomes much more complex with the stay-at-home partner having more time with the kid(s) so they are expected to time manage and do more of the household chores while the other partner is out making money. They have the stress of the commute, the workplace and often the pressure of keeping the job to keep the roof over their head too.
These different pressures leads to some resentment normally of the other partner not appreciating how hard each others role is.
I digress - but that is why I think there is a disparity. Men tend to be slobs and women houseproud is what it boils down to in most cases.
I agree about gender norms Iain, but what when the woman is doing all the caring, childcare and household stuff and is doing a full time job?
It's not been my experience that the men in these relationships do more of the heavy work or the bins, in my experience the women do these things too, all the gardening and decorating etc, whilst the men spend most of their time and money on "toys" like the latest TV or games console, or stuff to service their hobbies, whilst the woman pays for most of the household stuff and all the childrens expenses, like new shoes and school uniforms. What's worse is when you've been working two jobs and doing a college course and he's not working, that everything is still left undone, there's no food in the house, no shopping, cleaning, washing up or gardening has been done and the bins are overflowing. I'm not that houseproud, I just don't want a carpet that crunches underfoot, or a kitchen floor that you're feet stick too, a bathroom that you don't have to clean before you can clean yourself. Is that really to much to ask?
Good for you Tigernew. One of my dog walking acquaintances has been having to be the "housewife" and carer after his wife had a knee operation and was imobile for a time, he said he'd rather work 12 hours in a coal mine, (his former job). He said he dosen't know how we remember it all and it's relentless and they're elderly and don't have children at home, he said he couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to do all that and look after children and do a full time job. I have known a few guys who have decided to take time out to stay at home with their children.
TheCatWoman said: Is that really to much to ask?
I fully agree - any partnership should be that - tasks assigned on a fair basis on who has the capacity to do them.
My personal opinion is that if one party is being lazy then they need to be called out on it and pushed into doing what they agreed to do. If there was never an agreement then that is on both parties to sort out.
I think in general men are lazier than women and have different standards which leads to the situations you describe. If you have house "rules" that both signed up to then one side is breaking these and you need to have agreed a way of dealing with this.
What does tend to happen from what I have heard from others is that the women will pick up the slack, nag the partner for a while then move into sullen, resentful mode which contibutes to the breakdown of the relationship. Both sides are to blame then - the man for being lazy and the woman for not standing up to him.
It is a pattern I've seen too many times unfortunately but it has led me to try to be a better partner to avoid it.
My counselling work was with young people, but I saw the fallout of toxic parental relationships, but also how those spill over onto young adult children.
I agree a relationship needs constant updating, people change over time and sometimes you just grow apart, or in some cases revert to a family type. My experiences of this have been that I'm initially seen as fun, different and exciting bcause I don't really conform to social norms, probably due to autism, but also because I question things and I'm not that conventional in the things I enjoy and want to do or not. Later on this difference causes problems, I become less exciting and fun and my differences become obstacles.
At least with your therapist being familiar with how things work in the UK will make something easier, for instance, that a GP is a gatekeeper to other NHS services and you can't just make an appointment with someone higher up the chain, or that some medications they might be familiar with are unavailable here, or a GP won't prescribe the equivalent and may indeed be unable to prescribe them.
For myself I wouldn't use an online therapist, not just because of the technological barrier, but because it wouldn't feel right and nor would I ever be tempted to see someone remotely except for the odd circumstance where a face to face meeting would be difficult.
TheCatWoman said: I'd also be worried that having a counsellor from another country, one that I'm not living in and one they're not familiar with,
In my case the therapist spends several months a year with her daughter in the UK and continues her practice there with patients around the world. She has a solid understanding of the UK having lived there before so luckily the issues you refer to are not present.
I understand where your need for the traditional face-to-face approach to counselling comes from and it is entirely reasonable. There are different benefits to doing it this way.
For myself and those I know who use therapy sessions, all but one use remote sessions to fit around their busy lives and mobile lifestyles. Horses for courses would describe the difference well.
TheCatWoman said:its a hard thing to come to terms with, that your partner the person you love/loved, who you planed to spend the rest of your life with, is spiteful, underhand, guilt tripping and see's you as "The Problem" without ever thinking that they have any part in it.
I get this and it is present to a degree in most coupes with very long term relationships I have had close contact with.
I think a lot of people fail to recognise that relationships need to be constantly worked on, balances reassessed and difficult stuff talked about. A lot of this is either a hassle or can be very uncomfortable to face which seems to be why one partner or the other will take the easy way out and just stuff the resentment down until it becomes toxic.
You probably came across plenty of this in your time as a counsellor.
Maybe I get nihlistic in my views at times and experience has a nasty habit of supporting this, but at the same time you have to look to the good and try to make things better to keep that candle lit in the darkness.
I don't think it's about inertia as not wanting change, its a hard thing to come to terms with, that your partner the person you love/loved, who you planed to spend the rest of your life with, is spiteful, underhand, guilt tripping and see's you as "The Problem" without ever thinking that they have any part in it. They maybe depressed or have some other underlying issue going on, but they have to acknowlege this and actively seek help and engage with any help thats offered. There maybe a load of issues surrounding any admissions of ill health, mental or physical often family ones, if a family member finds out that someone is suffering they can be extremely unhelpful and come to the conclusion that the partner is the problem. Afterall they were fine before YOU came along, I've had personal experience of this sort of scapegoating and it's really hard to deal with, especially when they are presenting a united front as a family, like some sort of pyschological picket line ranged against you, alone, no family to back you up. When you're feeling vulnerable, at a low ebb and probably emotionally exhausted, its very hard not to buckle, to stand in your own light and truth when all around you are people telling you you're wrong and selfish.
Of course the aspect to relationships are peoples unconcious expectations, many people have a relationship ideal and the perfect partner, some Disneyfied idea of happy ever after. They find someone they like, that they love and genuinely care for, then there comes a point where the fantasy intrudes and they try and cram the partner into the ideal. It doesn't work, the relationship ends, but the fantasy stays and the whole sorry process happens all over again, same realtionship, same patterns, different person.
If having a therapist that far away and on screen only suits you then fine, but it wouldn't suit me and probably not others. I know I'm techinically incompetant, but I don't have the sort of equipment that you do to enable that sort of thing to happen, I wonder how many others find such a remote theraputic relationship satisfactory? Another reason I would find unsatisfactory as both counsellor and client is that you're so limited in the tools you can use, empty chair exercises would be difficult, so would using objects to help people express themselves. It would be hard to see if a partner who was off camera was doing something unhelpful let alone challenge some behaviours? I'd also be worried that having a counsellor from another country, one that I'm not living in and one they're not familiar with, would make it harder for everyone with the "yes, but" game. There will be things that aren't available in one country, or just done differently, like how you access health care for example, no matter how much you explain something the therapist may doubt your truthfulness and you might see them as being unhelpful, lacking in empathy and having unrealistic expectations, or you might be playing the Yes, but, game.