Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
Do you you are one small disaster away from the illusion of normality coming crashing down.
I was diagnosed at the age of 50 after decades of being "a square peg". Initially it was a relief as it explained so much of what I was or wasn't feeling. Now I'm presented with the question of " who the f@#k am I" as my true persona maybe isn't what I show to the world or myself.
I'm married, have kids and dogs, I work full time and feel I'm living in an artificial reality as it seems to be all an act.
Maybe it's because I'm really not sleeping well and the fatigue is catching up.
I was given trazodon to help my sleep but it seemed to increased my anxiety and ruin my already poor sleep pattern.
Now I'm being prescribed a low dose antipsychotic as well as a SSRI to see if this helps.
I find this is mildly terrifying.
Hi Hergé,
I received my 'official' aka clinical diagnosis for being on the spectrum last June, just a few weeks short of my 50th birthday. In short, did it change my life or who I was? The one thing that finally came to rest was feeling mentally torn - between strongly believing that I was on the spectrum (I been 'passing' the AQ-10 and ASQ with whopping results for over 10 years) and having proof to the world - including myself - that I wasn't mentally crazy, seeking attention, making it all up or wasn't putting enough effort in just pulling myself together like 'every other person'. There was closure. And that was practically all that those 4 hours of assessment did.
The world around me didn't change. People did not suddenly take a difference approach on me. The damage of not having a formal diagnosis had already been done, as the symptoms of crashing out of the job world had already started about 19 years ago and the last straw for me came in 2018. PIP assessors cannot put themselves in my shoes to understand that Autistic shutdowns and meltdowns are as physically incapacitating as Multiple Sclerosis. You are able enough to live but disabled enough not to have a life.
Maybe there was one thing that did change for me. And that was to say sayonara to Autistic masking. Having a diagnosis empowered me to say 'I have Autism. I am not making this all up. I finally have proof. And if you disagree, then you're wrong and discriminating me, and I am right.' I am however able to do so because I have few people left in my life whose toes I could step on, so those who are left accept me faults and all. Those are also the people who could see that I was on the spectrum, irrespective of whether a guy from the NHS had typed that into my medical file or not.
Maybe what you are describing as fatigue is what can come with the realisation of being on the spectrum - the question of 'so what comes next?' My 2 cents are, for those who accept you for who you are, they have already figured, and nothing will change. For those who you have been masking all the time it's an entirely different story. Will your unfiltered autistic traits and behaviours be tolerated? Can they only accept you if you keep that mask on and argue 'it's been working for so long (don't you sometimes wish to punch them in the face just for uttering that rude throwaway line) why is it changing now of a sudden?'
I think you will benefit from a session of counselling that helps you explore all the events and circumstances that have shaped the you that you are. To me, my Autism has impacted me in a way that I allowed the world - and others - to shape me rather than that I shaped myself, because - and this is brutally honest - the world didn't like me (and from all people on the spectrum that I have met in my life) or Autistic people in general for who we are.
Hi, I had several counselling sessions last year, initially it started as an exploration of my low mood and my other difficulties. After a couple of sessions it became about the elephant in the room and a huge rambling examination of what my autism is to me.
I think that I managed fairly well up until the floor fell out about 8 years ago, this I think was some form of burn out, I've never really gone back to "normal".
Every day is a challenge but I just hang in there.
I keep thinking that I could do so much more if only I can clear my head permanently, I have flashes of clarity which makes it worse as I know it's there.(If that makes sense)
Other than my wife and kids I don't have anyone which is difficult to admit as I have parents and 2 sisters.
Occasionally the mask slips and I just go "dark' and quiet which work colleagues find disconcerting.
about the counselling sessions, was the therapist sufficiently trained in Autism? A lot, if not all counsellors that I had were marvellous in CBT, but for someone on the spectrum CBT can actually do more harm than good because it just enforces the masking rather than helps the person embrace their neurodivergence.
My burnout which always manifested at work came gradually, looking back. For me, Autistic burnout was more likely to happen at work because it is where I had to mask the most while being exposed to the most triggers, and at the same time I couldn't just walk away - I knew that if I did that one time too often I'd be handed the P60. I had the first flare up in 2005, then a few years later, until there were two major ones in 2013, 2016 and finally 2018. I then decided to quit, knowing that it was either my job or my mental health and ultimately my life. Since then I have been out of work, or nicely put early retired.
Please never think in terms of 'I could do so much more if...' This is your goodwill and frustration speaking of wanting to give to the world as much as you can. Equally, listen to yourself of how much you are able to give before your Autistic mind and body says 'this is all you can give. Now stop comparing yourself and take a break. You need it.'
I was able to go into early retirement because circumstances had changed. I had got my divorce and the agreement literally skinned me of all my belongings (needless to say my ex-wife was interested in her economic security and not a bit in my mental struggles) , but I had met a wonderful lady who fully understood my limitations and was able to support both of us financially. I am now a householder, running the home full-time. It's a bit like traditional gender roles reversed, but it works for both of us. I am still busy and productive, and I am receiving the emotional and mental support and understanding.
Have you got some free hours in the week / can you with the understanding of your family create some free hours to do something that you really enjoy and that does not have a certain goal that must be fulfilled ie where you don't feel performance pressure? Doing something just for myself, even if it would be regarded as 'killing time' helped me defog my brain.